The mourning is over.

Christmas is almost here and with this holiday bring the usual balancing act of seeing all of my family while still keeping my sanity, or should I say, holding onto my identity. I am discovering that I become another person when I am around my parents and siblings. I resort back to becoming "child-like" around my dad, wanting desperately to win over his approval and affection, desiring that he could really "see" me for who I am, for who I have always been. Even with these longings nagging at my heart I push them away and hush the child deep inside. I really don't know how to relate to my dad in a way that feels safe, safe enough for the young girl to come out. I'm not sure what a father-daughter relationship looks like as adults. I would hope that he would see what I was feeling, even if I was putting up a brave front. I would hope that he would tell me how proud he is of the woman and mother I've become. I would hope that he would be one of the few people I would call first, after Clay, when I was in trouble or just needing some encouragement. Next to my husband, I would hope that he would be the "other" man in my life that would always be there for me no matter what. I have convinced myself that this will never be, shutting the door on the "hope" of what I deeply long for. Life without hope is no life at all, there must be more. As long as my dad is living, why should I stop hoping? Am I foolish, setting myself up for more pain and disappointment? Maybe?

God is working on me or should I say "in" me. He is opening a door in my heart, allowing a shimmer of light to shine through the crack into the darkness. I am not sure what is on the other side of the door and if I can trust God enough I may be able to allow the door to open. I want to learn how to "live" in the kingdom of God, to truly live. I have never understood how to really live in God's kingdom and what that looks like. I have been so protective of my longings, fearing that if I allowed others in they would suck the life right out of me. I have mourned and grieved for so many years that I have forgotten there may be life after death. The life may be different, but life, none the less. I believe I am ready to take off these mourning clothes of black and put on something bright white maybe pink.

This song is exactly what I feel right now. How I love the way God works in others to touch our lives!!

Community??

The past few days have been filled with a flurry of activities, tasks, and just daily living. As I settle down tonight and start to breathe a little slower, I am seeing how detached I have been. I am not content with myself, wanting more, just not knowing what that may be. I seem to find myself being most comfortable when I am alone. Being in community is what God intended but, being in community can really wear me down. I know I am rambling, I will post more later after I think on this. Plus, I will turn into a pumpkin soon if I don't get to sleep.