A New Normal

The weekend had been filled with the youth group car wash, Sunday morning class and then Sunday evening youth worship.  A normal weekend for us busy, but good.  During lunch on Sunday we spoke of how the morning was a whirlwind of serving and loving on others and how good it felt to be doing what God had placed before us.  There was now enough time to head home and maybe rest for an hour or so before returning to wrap up with our monthly youth worship service.  Clay was busy preparing "stations" for the kids during worship.  Everything about the whole weekend was normal for us, normal for our family.

The youth service was just ending when Clay emerged from the gym, after a game of dodgeball, and took a seat next to me.  He was tired and was complaining of jaw pain, almost like a headache in his jaw.    I didn't really think anything of it and began to clean up our mess.  A few minutes later he quietly asked me to take him to the hospital and do it now.  I grabbed my purse and out the door we went.  On the way he said that he just didn't feel "right" and his chest was beginning to hurt.  I picked up my phone to call the kids at church and ask them to begin praying for him but, he stopped me.  He didn't want to worry the kids.  All three of our sons were still cleaning up and didn't really know what was happening.  I called Zach and tried not to scare him but, just to let him know that I would call when I knew more and not to worry, just pray.

We arrived at the hospital in a matter of minutes.  Clay's pain was progressing but he didn't say a word.  They took him immediately in and hooked him up to the heart monitors.  Just as I had set down the doctor entered and said he was having a heart attack.  As the words came out of her mouth the breath left my body.  I couldn't breath!  Immediately I left the room and the hospital.  My body was in total shock and I began to hyperventilate trying to catch my breath as the sobs overcame by whole being.  I remember thinking what do I do or who do I call.  I began talking aloud to God to help me, give me wisdom.  This couldn't be happening to us, to Clay!  I was able to make a few calls and my Mom was able to calm me through the phone line.  She later met me at Community South, where he was taken by ambulance soon after arriving at Johnson County Hospital.  I went back into his room as they were moving him to a bed for the ambulance.  He was strapped in, hooked to wires, not saying a word.  His color was getting worse and he was clammy to the touch.   I leaned down and kissed him, touched his  head and said, "I love you."  I quickly went to my van and headed to the hospital he was being taken to. A cardiac team was there awaiting to take him to the cath lab.  The 20 minute drive seemed liked a lifetime away.  I wasn't sure if I would see him alive again.  My heart was breaking, but as I spoke with God on that drive I knew that He knew what was best for me and my family.  That if God chose to take Clay home that I would be okay, over time, I would be okay.  I didn't bargain with God, I didn't get angry with Him, because we live in a fallen world.  I know we won't live forever on this earth.  A thought kept coming to my mind that Jesus was the same now as he was that very morning.  He hadn't changed, he would not leave me, he loved me and he ached as I ached.  God knew that morning what would happen that evening, nothing happens to us that doesn't pass through God's hands first.  I asked God if it pleased him to allow Clay to stay with me longer and not to take him yet.  I also knew that it was for selfish reasons I was asking this.  As much as I want my will, I trust God's plans for our family.  More than anything in this world I want God to be glorified through our lives, good and bad.  God gave me a peace that night even though I fought against the worry and sadness.  Even writing this my heart aches thinking about living without Clay.  If and when that happens I know that God will get me through it just as he is now.  I'm sharing this because I want those that read it to know that God loves all of us.  He loves us through the difficult times as well as the good.  I am humbled to look back to last Sunday and I can see how God orchestrated everything.  We were minutes from the hospital, when normally we are 20 minutes away.  He allowed me to be alone and the boys to drive separate.  He gave the boys a friend's home, 5 minutes from the hospital.  He increased my faith that evening!  He loved on me through my family and friends.  There are numerous other things that God has done through this specifically that I am grateful.  There's not one person on this planet, child of God or not that is exempt from heart ache and difficult times.  We must stick together, share our hearts and hurts and love one another through those times.

Clay is now home, with a stint and 5 heart medications.  Our lives are again adjusting to a new normal.
Thank you for praying for our family and loving us!

Praising God

I was listening to the radio and a caller called in to give a praise to God for his wife who had cancer and was now cancer free. It brought a smile to my face and I was so happy for this couple knowing how incredible the news was for them. This particular radio station was playing many caller segments of various praises on how God had said yes to their prayers. I love that about God! I love that when things seem as though there is no hope whatsoever and suddenly a miracle appears. To hear the voices of gratitude and sincerity in those who were so desperate is something that always touches my heart!

There is another side to God that I feel doesn't get enough praise that I'm very aware of in my own life. So today I want to praise God for the things that are harder to understand.

I praise God that he knew I would be a better person if I grew up in a broken home with an absentee dad.

I praise God for growing me spiritually by allowing me to be diagnosed with cancer that is said to be incurable.

I praise God for the pain that I have gone through and survived and now I can be more compassionate of others.

I praise God for all of the medical bills and forcing me to completely rely on him to see us through it.

I praise God that he loves me enough to continue to sift and mold me to be more like him.

I praise God that I matter and that I am loved!

I praise God for loving me even when I didn't want to praise him!

These are the things I would say if I called into the radio station to share my praises. This is the side of God that I want us all to remember. He is great no matter what!