Looking Back, One Year Anniversary!

Today is the anniversary of my first chemo treatment.  I'm very grateful for what God has done in me physically, allowing my life to continue here.  I'm also aware of those who continue to fight cancer, and those who have gone on to be with our creator.  There were many days during my treatments that I didn't want to fight anymore, I was tired of being sick and unable to do anything on my own.  There were days where walking to the bathroom on my own was a huge accomplishment.  Bathing myself, dressing and even eating were tasks that I could not do alone.  I became completely dependent on Clay and the boys.  There are things I don't fully remember about those days which is probably a blessing.  God was teaching me even then how tight my grip on "being in control" really was.  He was gently prying my fingers open one by one.  It was difficult and very painful for me to let go, to allow God to take over, I mean completely take over.  Even though I nor God caused this cancer, He did allow it.  He also allowed me to see the areas of my life that I kept from Him, the areas I didn't trust Him to have.  I'm still learning to give Him everything each day, but I've come so far since last year.  I'm not the same as I was physically, emotionally or spiritually, I doubt I ever will be.  I have to embrace my life I have today not forgetting where I've come from.  One year ago today my life took another path, one I really didn't plan on, but one that opened my eyes and my hands.  


I love this Cindy Morgan song and how she puts into words what my heart feels:

Saying the Wrong Thing

There are so many times that I find myself saying the wrong thing and not able to say what my heart is feeling.  Since chemo has finished and my response was wonderful many conversations  somehow always touch on this topic.  Yesterday was not any different.  A long time friend was saying how wonderful it is that God answered our prayers for healing.  I know what is meant by this type of statement, but for some reason it really bothers me.  I feel as though so many of us want to say, "praise God" when our prayers are answered the way "we" want them answered.  I know that's not what most people mean but, we shouldn't forget the world is watching.  We can't and shouldn't give praise to God only when things work out the way we had hoped.  I no longer ask God for the obvious solution, the obvious may not be what brings kingdom growth or what brings about a heart change in someone.  I have been so guilty of praying in a way that "I" thought was best, asking God to do what "I" had decided in my mind would be the solution.  "I" had become God and never gave a second thought to what weight my words really held.   My heart is now humbled in a way that I don't ask God to change our circumstances.  What blessings would we miss if we always got our way when difficulties came into our lives.  It's so hard to have a heart change when we live a trouble-free life.  The times in my own life that change has occurred have been through those trials.  I now see why God tells us to count it joy when we suffer trials.  Let's praise God for the trials and what we learn from those trials.  


Be content where you are today, thanking God for your life no matter what your circumstance are knowing He loves you more than you know!!

Taylor Swift - Never Grow Up - Music Video

The house is quiet except, for the Taylor Swift music playing. I enjoy having the entire house to myself to clean and think. The summer is going by so very quickly and so many changes seem to be happening all at once. Zach will be leaving for college next month, Taylor will be attending a public high school and getting his license next month and I'm not sure I'm ready for this phase of my life. My heart aches just writing this. My sons are growing into young men and will soon be leaving the nest. I know this is what I have prepared them for and when the time is right each one will leave one by one. I think it feels more like they will be leaving with a piece of my heart. When they were small I couldn't imagine how would I be able to say goodbye. I still don't know how. I know that fighting cancer was easier than preparing myself for what the next few years lie ahead. I'm probably just being dramatic today. There isn't anything in this life that compares to the love a mother has for her children. The only thing greater is the love God has for us. I will be eternally grateful for the chance to be Zach, Taylor and Matthew's mother. I'm feeling weepy tonight...

Here's a beautiful song to express what I so often feel.

Rescue

Last week my dogs were barking at a fawn that was out by the road and mailboxes.  It's mother must have jumped the fence but the baby was too small to make it over.  I walked out to the small, little thing but it kept running down the fence row towards my neighbors house, who have shepherds.  I was afraid the dogs would kill it if it was not rescued.  After a few minutes of trying to catch it, I asked God to help me, help the deer and as soon as I did the fawn laid down in the tall grass.  I was able to reach down and just pick it up. It began to bleat and look towards the woods for it's mother.  The boys and I put it in the van and drove down the road a little (away from the dogs) and let it go in the woods.  It was a sweet experience from God, or at least I think so.  Here are a few pictures Matt took of me holding it.

Love

I remember a friend once telling me that his wife wasn't a "touchy feelly" (I know that's not a word) person, she just wasn't made that way.  I think a lot of people really believe that some of us weren't made to "show" affection.  That is just crazy!  How can we all be made in the image of God and not show love and affection toward others.  So many of us believe that lie satan keeps whispering into our ears, "It's okay, you're just not into being touchy, feelly with others, God just made you different!"  I know that deep down every single person on the planet really wants to be loved and to show love.  Somewhere on the journey something happened to cause us to change from who God created us to be.  Abuse of some sort entered our lives and challenged our knowledge of our own worth and right to be loved.  We made an agreement to self protect and not to be hurt again, changing the way we interact with others.  Keeping people at a distance is safe and predictable.  I know this because I've been there.  Sometimes reaching out to others is risky. Will they respond kindly to the love I offer?  Will they be cold and unresponsive towards me, confirming that I'm not worth loving?  These are the questions that I sometimes hear whispered in my own ear.  Over the past few years, I have taken those risks and yes, sometimes it didn't work out how I had hoped.  The important thing  is that it doesn't stifle me from taking those steps forward and waiting to try again another day.  Offering love to someone and not having it returned the way I thought it should doesn't mean I'm unlovable or there is something wrong with me.  It means the other person just isn't ready yet.  We are ALL made in His image, made to love and to be loved, made to be show affection and to receive affection.  Think about it and how can you take a step towards being all that you were created to be.  Be honest with those closest to you, YOU MATTER.  How you feel matters!  Don't be silent be alive!!


Cindy~

SUPER Easy Pulled Pork Sandwiches!

I have a wonderful recipe for you and it's so, so easy!!  I am working on learning a new camera and need an external card reader, until then just imagine what it might look like!!


1 pork roast with bone in or whatever cut you like
Liquid Smoke (found in aisle with bbq and soy sauce)
BBQ Sauce of your choosing
Buns


Place whole pork in crock pot, cover with lid and cook on high
for 5-7 hours or slow for 8-9 hours.  Do not season or put anything
else in with it.  There is a lot of moisture from the fat in the pork and it will turn out wonderfully!!


When pork is finished it will just fall apart, now shred it in a cake dish or whatever dish you like.  Sprinkle pork with liquid smoke and taste.  Add as much or as little  liquid smoke as you like.  It's sooooo YUMMY!   If you don't want to use the liquid smoke then yo don't have to.  Now top on buns with your favorite bbq sauce and ENJOY!  You will thank me later.

Summer

I think summer has officially started!  I finished my last chemo treatment last week and I'm still recovering.  Oddly enough, I felt a little melancholy about the last one.  I'm not sure why, maybe because for the last 5 months my life has revolved around doctors, appointments, scans, medications, nurses and entire days sitting in a chair while cancer fighting drugs slowly dripped into my veins.  That was my "new normal" daily life.  Now, things will once again change and for the better.  My thought process is still slow, my body doesn't want to go for very long but it will recover over time.  


The boys are out of school but will be doing summer school to catch-up on a couple of subjects.  Not too much though.  Zach will be taking a summer class too.   Taylor will be getting his license soon.  Summer camp is right around the corner.   If I'm not careful I will blink and summer will be over.  Clay is busy right now with work and life is good.  


I'm just about finished reading a book called:  Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo.  It's a true story about his son.  That's all I'm saying!  I highly recommend it!  


Have a great week, enjoy the sunshine and be kind to someone today!!