Christmas is almost here and with this holiday bring the usual balancing act of seeing all of my family while still keeping my sanity, or should I say, holding onto my identity. I am discovering that I become another person when I am around my parents and siblings. I resort back to becoming "child-like" around my dad, wanting desperately to win over his approval and affection, desiring that he could really "see" me for who I am, for who I have always been. Even with these longings nagging at my heart I push them away and hush the child deep inside. I really don't know how to relate to my dad in a way that feels safe, safe enough for the young girl to come out. I'm not sure what a father-daughter relationship looks like as adults. I would hope that he would see what I was feeling, even if I was putting up a brave front. I would hope that he would tell me how proud he is of the woman and mother I've become. I would hope that he would be one of the few people I would call first, after Clay, when I was in trouble or just needing some encouragement. Next to my husband, I would hope that he would be the "other" man in my life that would always be there for me no matter what. I have convinced myself that this will never be, shutting the door on the "hope" of what I deeply long for. Life without hope is no life at all, there must be more. As long as my dad is living, why should I stop hoping? Am I foolish, setting myself up for more pain and disappointment? Maybe?
God is working on me or should I say "in" me. He is opening a door in my heart, allowing a shimmer of light to shine through the crack into the darkness. I am not sure what is on the other side of the door and if I can trust God enough I may be able to allow the door to open. I want to learn how to "live" in the kingdom of God, to truly live. I have never understood how to really live in God's kingdom and what that looks like. I have been so protective of my longings, fearing that if I allowed others in they would suck the life right out of me. I have mourned and grieved for so many years that I have forgotten there may be life after death. The life may be different, but life, none the less. I believe I am ready to take off these mourning clothes of black and put on something bright white maybe pink.
This song is exactly what I feel right now. How I love the way God works in others to touch our lives!!
2 comments:
Hey--your post was very thought provoking. I can relate to losing myself when around family. Focus on your identity with Christ--the new creation He has made you to be. During family gatherings--praying is essential, also--staying in close proximity to my husband--keeps me in reality also, so I don't lose myself.
With God, you can keep hoping for deeper relationships. He will give you the strength--even if you get hurt, but I think He definately calls us to keep HOPING--that is faith that He is enough for us.
Have an awesome Christmas--and let me know how things go for you!
Blessings!
Cindy,
I can relate to what you are saying. What has helped me tremendously is prayer. I know you are a strong Christian woman who prays fervently! I also struggle with accepting things the way they are and also wanting others to change. I have found that once I turned things over to God and stopped focusing on the way I wanted others to respond to me...then things changed. In reality, I think God changed ME! Does that make sense? God is good. I KNOW he can make anything happen. I will be praying for you Cindy. I can see God working in you! Thanks for sharing. Love you!
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