Hope

There is something mysterious about hope that brings rest to my soul. I made it through the cat scans and the oncologist appointment. The doctor said everything looks stable and there's been no growth since the last 6 months. I do have lumps that will wax and wain on my face, but that is normal for lymphoma. Anyway, now that I am finished with the doctors appointment and test, at least for another 6 months, I can now rest. The week before I am so restless and uneasy that I'm completely miserable and I know I make those around me miserable too. It is the anticipation of having no hope of a future. Hope is everything and without it there is nothing, only death and despair. I am thrilled to say that as soon as the week was over, hope returned to my soul and I felt rested and at ease again. I am still very busy, but deep down I feel a peace, a hope that will carry me through until the next set of appointments. I want to learn to live in this state even when the chaos of the cancer is more than I can understand or manage. That is the challenge. To live in the hope of something greater beyond this world, my plans and my understanding or even my own feelings. To look past my simple view of the here and now and know that my life is so much more and to allow God to be so much more that what I can see or feel. The hope in things eternal is not the same as the hope of living our lives day to day. There is a hope that cannot be measured or even imagined. It is difficult to hope in something foreign to me, it seems like a fairy tale to hope in something unknown, I mean completely unknown. For today, I'm peaceful and full. My soul is light.