Summer Challenge

Last week we returned home from CIY camp with the 12 high schoolers.  Clay and I are so blessed to be able to go to camp and participate with the kids.  It is amazing how God will rejuvenate my soul when I need it the most.  Being away from home with no real distractions in the beautiful mountains of Tennessee was exactly where I needed to be.  The praise and worship was AMAZING!!!  Did I say that it was AMAZING!  I love worshiping from my heart and sharing that experience with others, there's just something special that happens that I can't explain in words.

While at camp my heart has been convicted to change my tone and the words I use with my family.  I had to ask for their forgiveness and asked for a change in our home.  No more sarcasm or discouraging words or tones in our voices.  No talking about others that will tear down.  We have made it for 1 week and it has been incredible.  My heart has been so heavy over the way I so easily use sarcastic remarks to make a point and how it has grieved God.  As I am becoming more aware of this in my own life, I've noticed how everyone does this.  Why are we afraid to just share how we are really feeling instead of deflecting to a witty, sarcastic remark.  Why do we have to all weigh-in on the choices or the actions of others.  How about we build one another up and not tear each down, and then say we are joking!  It's not funny!  Be real and honest!  I just want to be more like Christ.  Okay, I'll get off my soap box now.  So, this is what I'm working on spiritually for the summer: my thoughts, my words and my facial expressions  that may say more than I want.  Change has to come from my heart!

So, what are you working on spiritually for the summer??

Broken

I'm at a youth camp this week with 12 high school kids. My heart did not want to make this trip. I wanted to be at home, feeling safe with Clay and the boys. Since Clay's heart attack our lives have been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, normal errands, keeping up with the house work and the yard work, doing the children's ministry work plus getting ready for a youth camp plus all of the calls and visits from friends and family. I am just a little overwhelmed right now and I am gearing up emotionally for my 3 month cat scans. My heart did not want to come to camp. I really just wanted to shut myself and my family into our house and never leave again!

Tonight during the worship, God was tender with me, with my heart. He is helping me to pry my fingers away from the one thing that I don't want to give up... Clay. I know that if God chooses to take Clay home sooner than later that I will be able to finish raising our sons and take care of our home and we would be okay, it may take a while but we would be okay. Tonight God helped me to begin to understand all that I am feeling and he allowed the tears to gently fall. He gave me a soft place to rest and to see why I seem to grasp so tightly to my relationship with Clay. There are many people in my life that I know love me, my parents, my boys and friends but, no one has ever loved me the way Clay has. Clay has loved me the way God loves me. Clay loves me more than I love myself at times. He knows everything there is to know about me good and bad. He allows me to share my heart and never shames me for what I feel, or for who I am. God has used Clay to show me HIS love. There is no love greater that I have experienced in such a tangible way on this earth. Clay has loved me well and I am a better person because of it. This is what I can't imagine living without. I am at a cross road where I will have to choose by faith to keep following God, to continue to believe in His love regardless of if I feel it or not. My heart is aching tonight, not knowing how to move forward, not knowing, not knowing. I am broken and need Him!