Tonight during the worship, God was tender with me, with my heart. He is helping me to pry my fingers away from the one thing that I don't want to give up... Clay. I know that if God chooses to take Clay home sooner than later that I will be able to finish raising our sons and take care of our home and we would be okay, it may take a while but we would be okay. Tonight God helped me to begin to understand all that I am feeling and he allowed the tears to gently fall. He gave me a soft place to rest and to see why I seem to grasp so tightly to my relationship with Clay. There are many people in my life that I know love me, my parents, my boys and friends but, no one has ever loved me the way Clay has. Clay has loved me the way God loves me. Clay loves me more than I love myself at times. He knows everything there is to know about me good and bad. He allows me to share my heart and never shames me for what I feel, or for who I am. God has used Clay to show me HIS love. There is no love greater that I have experienced in such a tangible way on this earth. Clay has loved me well and I am a better person because of it. This is what I can't imagine living without. I am at a cross road where I will have to choose by faith to keep following God, to continue to believe in His love regardless of if I feel it or not. My heart is aching tonight, not knowing how to move forward, not knowing, not knowing. I am broken and need Him!
2 comments:
I want to respond to this, to somehow offer my heart to the ache in yours. But I feel inadequate to do so, especially knowing the depth of that ache and understanding the challenge of faith that presents itself for you right now. Girl, I have been there...more often than I feel like I should have been, since I obviously "know" that God is good. And there is nothing more cleansing or more holy or more comforting than those broken tears. So cry as many as you need to and put aside all concern with the world, with schedules, or whatever else might try to interrupt your divine moment. And enjoy the scenery down there...then come home safely.
Remember...there is no rest for the wicked. So you should have plenty of rest!
Aidan, Thank you for your sweet words. Words like these feel like cool drink for my soul. I am where God wants me and I will stay here as long as it takes. It is beautiful here!
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