Weight

Last week was a very difficult week for me. It seems that when things seem to go downhill everything goes downhill. I was hopeful that this week would be better but, my heart is so, so heavy and sad. There are some relationships in my life that have been very important to me but, circumstances changed everything. I had a death-grip on the idea that over time these relationships would be restored, maybe even closer than before. I don't love easily and I don't trust quickly but I had given my heart and a piece of myself to these relationships. Last week, along with a cherry on top emergency, my hope was completely shattered. I mean, blown into small pieces that are not even recognizable under a microscope. My death-grip hold on this hope felt like my whole arm was cut off and thrown to the sharks, never to return. I have let my heart feel the pain, instead of numbing it. I am tired of crying and thinking about all of it. I am tired of the small voices in my head giving me ideas on how "I" can fix this. I do hear my savior's voice calling me to keep my eyes on Him, just keep your eyes on me. It is hard. The moment I look away, is the moment I feel the weight of my loss. I know that grieving is part of healing but, I really just want to skip ahead. I think that I need some type of closure and that may not be possible. If I could just lay a rose on the coffin, I think I would feel some relief. This is a first for me to mourn the living. Feeling and living is a crazy concept to me, there are responsibilities that have to taken care of and kids to see to. It's so much easier to live a numb life but, it's not who God created us to be. I hope that this week you take the time to really "feel" the weight of life and know that you are not alone in your journey.