Almost each morning I peruse the internet and read a few blogs enjoying the pics and projects that many of these blogs post.  I do enjoy these types of blogs but mostly they give off the idea that
they have it altogether and life is neat and tidy.  I'm not trying to be critical, it's just that it doesn't give a full picture of how messy life really is.  Maybe we don't want to see that but, sometimes we need to.

Life is beautiful, ugly, messy, hard, sad, and totally unpredictable.  Life is sometimes, well mostly all the time, out of our control.  Maybe we don't want to see the messy hard pics of real life, maybe we are comforted by neat, clean, pretty pics.  What I do know is that sometimes I need to see that behind the perfect there are equally and usually more imperfect, difficult struggles.  I want to see how you struggled and cheer you on when you conquered.  These are the real life things that inspire me.

Maybe I should begin this too...

Too Much

I'm going to write everything that I feel is closing in on me at this moment.

-If something happens to Clay, this house will be too much for me to finish on my own.
-I miss having a full kitchen and cooking/shopping is not fun at all!
-Scheduling 2016 teachers needed done 2 weeks ago and January is still empty!
-Curriculum for the entire 2016 still needs chosen
-My heart is far from children's ministry right now
-Youth ministry feels overwhelming and I don't know why
-Am I doing enough for Matt's homeschool?
-Matt's attitude makes me CRAZY right now.
-I'm not enjoying this Christmas season at all and wish it would go away, this makes me sad.
-Still need to Christmas shop, especially for online items the boys have chosen.
-Want to spend time with friends and family but feel like I should be working on the house.
-Need to choose insurance through the Marketplace, but I hate, hate doing it!
-Certain extended family members just hurt me or my family and there's nothing I can do about it.
-I miss Sandy terribly...

I feel like I'm too much right now...

God is NOT in control

I read recently that God's in control and thought, "Is that even in the Bible?"  I've heard it said many times and have probably said it myself.  After doing a little research I couldn't find any scripture that stated those exact words, God's in control.  Please don't misunderstand, I'm a follower of Jesus, but I'm really the one in control of MY life.  I'm the one thing on this planet that has more power than God. Sure God created the entire universe from nothing, formed everything from just a word, but I have more say about my life that He does.  I'm the one thing that stands in the way of Him.  Do I think I'm able to do the things that God does?  No, I'm not insane, but I have free will to chose what to do with
my life, my thoughts, my actions it's all up to me, me, me.  If God controlled everything why would I need the Bible?  Why would I need Jesus?  God controls me just as much as I can control my adult kids or even my dogs!  Do you hear what I'm saying?  I don't believe that God even desires to control me, what He does desire is for me to follow Him, to give Him the lead, to seek His direction for my life.  God desires to grow me spiritually and emotionally to be more mature in the faith, in Him.  When crap hits the fan, and it will, He desires for me to run to Him and allow Him to use it in some way to bring glory to Him and Jesus!  He wants me to learn from my mistakes and how the wielding of my life can either hurt others or help others see Him more clearly.  Of course I believe that God has the power to control anything that he desires with just a word but He doesn't force us to do anything and that's what I love most about God our freedom to serve and love him if I choose to and I choose too!  My life is at best a manageable wreck most of the time but my heart  is to serve God and to ask Him for help
in my day to day messed up life.  God cares about the details of my life good and bad, I know it because I see Him every single day!  When life is hard and unfair, He is there, when life is great, He is
there, when I'm being a brat, He is there and even when I don't want to give him control, He is there.  He's there just wanting to be with me.  God cannot be controlled by me either because He's God!  I can only control ME not anyone else and most of the time I mess that up.  God can use anything we allow Him to for the greater good of the kingdom, if we allow it.  So I know God's not in control of my life and I'm grateful for that.

Cancerversary

Yesterday marked 2 years since my last chemo treatment!  Wow!  Most people may not know that those with a cancer diagnosis count days and milestones that usually revolve around the cancer journey.  Not forgetting what we have survived or what God is doing in our lives.  Each day we have past our last treatment date means a higher chance of survival or living longer than we hoped.   There are days that
I'm lucky enough to forget and then there are days that I can't get it out of my mind.  For the most part I have recovered from the chemo.  My hair has grown back in and I don't feel as tired anymore but underneath, chemo has changed me.  My body and mind do not feel the same as before chemo.  It's hard to explain but chemo changes you.  Adjusting to finding a way to live with what I am now is challenge and some days are harder than others. Doctor appointmens, blood tests and scans are still part of my life and will be until I die.  I guess I feel like sharing this so that those that read will understand a little better.  I may look like I'm healed and back to normal, but somehow I'm not.  It's okay though, as long as you are patient with me and don't mind that this journey has changed me.  If you have friends that are survivors, do something kind for them.  Let them know that you remember and know they are survivors or are still fighting.  Sometimes not acknowledging our journey at all hurts.  Encourage those in your life no matter what they may be going through!


Cindy~

 

Laundry Room Make-Over

I've been working for the last month or so redoing our laundry room and reworking how it functions.  I'm not quite finished yet, but I'm in the home stretch.  Here are a few pictures of the bench I built with only 2 X 4's and left over paint.  It was super simple too.  I purchased the baskets for our shoes at Garden City.

 The bulletin board we already owned and I spray painted it black and then added the cloth on the cork.  I'm still working on adding the push pins around the edges.

 The key board has a hook for each of us with our picture above our set of keys.  This was a lot of fun to make.  It's made from a scrap 1x6, hooks and picture frames.

I'll post more pics in a few days.  

Beauty

What an amazing God we serve!  I get so caught up in my everyday life and the problems that come with it that I can forget how truly amazing God is.  The intricate detail that is visible all around me.  I need to stop and breath in God himself!!  There is beauty all around me in nature, in the food I cook, in the retired greeter at Walmart, in the crying child, even in death there is beauty.  We may need to look closer, listen harder or adjust our mindset to what beauty really is.  Look how beautiful death on a cross is to those that need a savior.  Beauty is all around, I hope to notice it more today.

My First Love

I have an ache in my heart and an emptiness that I cannot explain.  As I sat down to do my devo this verse is what popped out:


  Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.
Rev. 2:4


Wow!!  How convicting and right these words are for me.  As I look back on the last few weeks or even months I can see where I have deserted God.  I have not spent time with Him alone, alone without the distractions of my daily life.  That doesn't mean I haven't worked to serve others and help where I can, but I haven't carved out time that only God deserves.  I have missed this time with Him and I know He misses it with me.  I know, I said He misses it with me!  I'm not saying this to sound arrogant I say this because I know how much he loves me!  What a gift He gives to each of us, Himself!!  I have to nurture this relationship.  Doing deeds that glorify Him is wonderful and necessary, but it's not enough.  If I only did things around my home to take care of my family like cook, clean, run errands and so on but never spent time alone with each of my boys or Clay then those relationships would suffer.  I cannot abandon them and expect our relationship to grow or even stay strong, over time I would lose touch of what is going on with each of them and them me.  I have to give time and attention to each in order to stay close and in touch with their lives.  The same is true of God.  Even now I feel lighter realizing where I've been amiss.  God is so true and loving and honest especially when I need it most!!


Enjoy this day He has given you!!

Make Good Choices, one day at a time!

With the new year finally here I find myself thinking about all of the many things I want to do this year.  I have scraps of paper in several notebooks with jotted down ideas, to-do lists, projects and dates of upcoming events.  I feel like my hand is involved in a lot of areas that I am responsible for yet, where do I begin?  My husband, Clay, is the youth minister and I'm involved with the children's ministry plus homeschooling our boys, taking care of our home and the countless projects I would love to tackle.  It feels a little overwhelming at times to look at everything I'm doing or am supposed to be doing.  So, I'm discovering that I really need to make better use of my time and seeking God in my daily routine before it even begins.  There are times I'm great at spending time with God in the mornings and then something happens or life happens and screws up my routine and BAM, my special time with just me and God is out the window.  I think the my "motto" for this year is going to be:  Make Good Choices, one day at a time!  Today I spoke those words aloud several times when deciding what to eat and how to react (which I may have failed in that area today) and how to spend my time.  Each day is brand new and I may need a do-over several times a day.  I want to cut myself a break and change a little at a time so that I can sustain the changes.  I'm gonna stick with my motto and hope the other areas will fall into place.  


Here are a few things I did accomplish today:


-Spent most of the afternoon running errands with my man!!
-Ate a healthy lunch (the evening was kinda bad in that area)
-Played a family game with my whole family.
-Did the dishes
-Worked on scheduling for youth ministry and went through mail.
-Ordered some books.
-Made ham and beans for dinner tomorrow night.


It was a good day!

Looking Back, One Year Anniversary!

Today is the anniversary of my first chemo treatment.  I'm very grateful for what God has done in me physically, allowing my life to continue here.  I'm also aware of those who continue to fight cancer, and those who have gone on to be with our creator.  There were many days during my treatments that I didn't want to fight anymore, I was tired of being sick and unable to do anything on my own.  There were days where walking to the bathroom on my own was a huge accomplishment.  Bathing myself, dressing and even eating were tasks that I could not do alone.  I became completely dependent on Clay and the boys.  There are things I don't fully remember about those days which is probably a blessing.  God was teaching me even then how tight my grip on "being in control" really was.  He was gently prying my fingers open one by one.  It was difficult and very painful for me to let go, to allow God to take over, I mean completely take over.  Even though I nor God caused this cancer, He did allow it.  He also allowed me to see the areas of my life that I kept from Him, the areas I didn't trust Him to have.  I'm still learning to give Him everything each day, but I've come so far since last year.  I'm not the same as I was physically, emotionally or spiritually, I doubt I ever will be.  I have to embrace my life I have today not forgetting where I've come from.  One year ago today my life took another path, one I really didn't plan on, but one that opened my eyes and my hands.  


I love this Cindy Morgan song and how she puts into words what my heart feels:

Saying the Wrong Thing

There are so many times that I find myself saying the wrong thing and not able to say what my heart is feeling.  Since chemo has finished and my response was wonderful many conversations  somehow always touch on this topic.  Yesterday was not any different.  A long time friend was saying how wonderful it is that God answered our prayers for healing.  I know what is meant by this type of statement, but for some reason it really bothers me.  I feel as though so many of us want to say, "praise God" when our prayers are answered the way "we" want them answered.  I know that's not what most people mean but, we shouldn't forget the world is watching.  We can't and shouldn't give praise to God only when things work out the way we had hoped.  I no longer ask God for the obvious solution, the obvious may not be what brings kingdom growth or what brings about a heart change in someone.  I have been so guilty of praying in a way that "I" thought was best, asking God to do what "I" had decided in my mind would be the solution.  "I" had become God and never gave a second thought to what weight my words really held.   My heart is now humbled in a way that I don't ask God to change our circumstances.  What blessings would we miss if we always got our way when difficulties came into our lives.  It's so hard to have a heart change when we live a trouble-free life.  The times in my own life that change has occurred have been through those trials.  I now see why God tells us to count it joy when we suffer trials.  Let's praise God for the trials and what we learn from those trials.  


Be content where you are today, thanking God for your life no matter what your circumstance are knowing He loves you more than you know!!

Taylor Swift - Never Grow Up - Music Video

The house is quiet except, for the Taylor Swift music playing. I enjoy having the entire house to myself to clean and think. The summer is going by so very quickly and so many changes seem to be happening all at once. Zach will be leaving for college next month, Taylor will be attending a public high school and getting his license next month and I'm not sure I'm ready for this phase of my life. My heart aches just writing this. My sons are growing into young men and will soon be leaving the nest. I know this is what I have prepared them for and when the time is right each one will leave one by one. I think it feels more like they will be leaving with a piece of my heart. When they were small I couldn't imagine how would I be able to say goodbye. I still don't know how. I know that fighting cancer was easier than preparing myself for what the next few years lie ahead. I'm probably just being dramatic today. There isn't anything in this life that compares to the love a mother has for her children. The only thing greater is the love God has for us. I will be eternally grateful for the chance to be Zach, Taylor and Matthew's mother. I'm feeling weepy tonight...

Here's a beautiful song to express what I so often feel.

Rescue

Last week my dogs were barking at a fawn that was out by the road and mailboxes.  It's mother must have jumped the fence but the baby was too small to make it over.  I walked out to the small, little thing but it kept running down the fence row towards my neighbors house, who have shepherds.  I was afraid the dogs would kill it if it was not rescued.  After a few minutes of trying to catch it, I asked God to help me, help the deer and as soon as I did the fawn laid down in the tall grass.  I was able to reach down and just pick it up. It began to bleat and look towards the woods for it's mother.  The boys and I put it in the van and drove down the road a little (away from the dogs) and let it go in the woods.  It was a sweet experience from God, or at least I think so.  Here are a few pictures Matt took of me holding it.

Love

I remember a friend once telling me that his wife wasn't a "touchy feelly" (I know that's not a word) person, she just wasn't made that way.  I think a lot of people really believe that some of us weren't made to "show" affection.  That is just crazy!  How can we all be made in the image of God and not show love and affection toward others.  So many of us believe that lie satan keeps whispering into our ears, "It's okay, you're just not into being touchy, feelly with others, God just made you different!"  I know that deep down every single person on the planet really wants to be loved and to show love.  Somewhere on the journey something happened to cause us to change from who God created us to be.  Abuse of some sort entered our lives and challenged our knowledge of our own worth and right to be loved.  We made an agreement to self protect and not to be hurt again, changing the way we interact with others.  Keeping people at a distance is safe and predictable.  I know this because I've been there.  Sometimes reaching out to others is risky. Will they respond kindly to the love I offer?  Will they be cold and unresponsive towards me, confirming that I'm not worth loving?  These are the questions that I sometimes hear whispered in my own ear.  Over the past few years, I have taken those risks and yes, sometimes it didn't work out how I had hoped.  The important thing  is that it doesn't stifle me from taking those steps forward and waiting to try again another day.  Offering love to someone and not having it returned the way I thought it should doesn't mean I'm unlovable or there is something wrong with me.  It means the other person just isn't ready yet.  We are ALL made in His image, made to love and to be loved, made to be show affection and to receive affection.  Think about it and how can you take a step towards being all that you were created to be.  Be honest with those closest to you, YOU MATTER.  How you feel matters!  Don't be silent be alive!!


Cindy~

SUPER Easy Pulled Pork Sandwiches!

I have a wonderful recipe for you and it's so, so easy!!  I am working on learning a new camera and need an external card reader, until then just imagine what it might look like!!


1 pork roast with bone in or whatever cut you like
Liquid Smoke (found in aisle with bbq and soy sauce)
BBQ Sauce of your choosing
Buns


Place whole pork in crock pot, cover with lid and cook on high
for 5-7 hours or slow for 8-9 hours.  Do not season or put anything
else in with it.  There is a lot of moisture from the fat in the pork and it will turn out wonderfully!!


When pork is finished it will just fall apart, now shred it in a cake dish or whatever dish you like.  Sprinkle pork with liquid smoke and taste.  Add as much or as little  liquid smoke as you like.  It's sooooo YUMMY!   If you don't want to use the liquid smoke then yo don't have to.  Now top on buns with your favorite bbq sauce and ENJOY!  You will thank me later.

Summer

I think summer has officially started!  I finished my last chemo treatment last week and I'm still recovering.  Oddly enough, I felt a little melancholy about the last one.  I'm not sure why, maybe because for the last 5 months my life has revolved around doctors, appointments, scans, medications, nurses and entire days sitting in a chair while cancer fighting drugs slowly dripped into my veins.  That was my "new normal" daily life.  Now, things will once again change and for the better.  My thought process is still slow, my body doesn't want to go for very long but it will recover over time.  


The boys are out of school but will be doing summer school to catch-up on a couple of subjects.  Not too much though.  Zach will be taking a summer class too.   Taylor will be getting his license soon.  Summer camp is right around the corner.   If I'm not careful I will blink and summer will be over.  Clay is busy right now with work and life is good.  


I'm just about finished reading a book called:  Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo.  It's a true story about his son.  That's all I'm saying!  I highly recommend it!  


Have a great week, enjoy the sunshine and be kind to someone today!!

Birthday Week part 2

Birthday Week 2011

2011

New Style

7th Round of Chemo