Intertwined

A couple of months ago, actress, Natasha Richardson, died. She has been one of my favorite actresses for many years. Even though I didn't know her personally, I was deeply sorrowful for her death. As the weeks have passed I would think about her and how bazaar it was for me to grieve for someone I really didn't know. I began to think about, I know this is strange, but when Elvis died and all of those images of grieving fans. Even when Elvis was alive the fans were completely, over-the-top, out of their minds when he would come on stage. It occurred to me how we are so intertwined and connected to each other, even those we will never meet face to face. We are all longing for this connection, even with those we don't personally know. As I would watch Natasha in movies, especially The Parent Trap, there was something about her that drew me in, something I connected with on a deeper level that I longed for. It is difficult to describe or understand, but I think that we all long for this. I LOVE, LOVE movies. I am always searching for the connection that will touch my heart and allow me to feel deeply. Strangely enough, I can even find this in certain cartoon movies. Longing to find others who feel as deeply as we do, or should I say longing to find other who will feel with me. In less than a week, I have to have a cat scan and then see my oncologist. My cancer is slowly growing. The cat scan will tell how much it has grown since last time (6 months ago). My heart is heavy. This morning as tears flow down my cheeks, I'm curious about why I'm so afraid, afraid to die and Natasha came to mind. I'm not so afraid of leaving, it is the pain of knowing my connection will be severed with my husband and boys. Our lives are so intertwined with one another that disconnecting will not be easy, neat and clean. It will be messy, painful and difficult. There is no way to prepare for this and no way to really know when it will happen maybe not for years, but it scares the hell out of me. This morning I can't stop crying. Being intertwined and connected, feeling heard, pursued and loved seems to have a price just as high as not having my longings met. Is the price worth this heart ache, Yes. I'm not sure what my point is, I just needed to get this out. I think my heart ache is more for my family and what they may be left with. Love is a strange thing! There is a cost to invest in others and allowing others to touch my heart, even those I will never meet. Life is complicated and messy and so worth living. I love my life! Thanks for letting me ramble!