Friday, February 25, 2011

Tough Relationships

I am in need of advise.  I have been struggling with relationships to be more exact, relationships that have been severed.  Over the years I've had a handful of relationships with people that have ended because of distrust or just plain meanness.  The problem for me is I don't know how to be authentic around these people.  How do I act around someone who I really don't like at all.  It is a hard for me to "pretend" to be nice to people I don't like being around.  It feels fake to me to put on a "nice" face and get along.  There are a few relationships where the other person has caused a great deal of pain for me and my family and has no remorse.  How can I be authentic and still be around a person like this??  This is my dilemma!  I continue to wonder how God wants me to behave and I still have no idea.  Part of me feels as though this is the consequence for the other person's choices.  I don't desire to rebuild the relationship I just don't know what is the "right" way to act around the person.  I think about Jacob and Esau and their relationship.  After Jacob stole/deceived his brother he feared for his life and moved far away.  Later in life when the two crossed paths it was brief but they never rebuilt the relationship.  God did not require Esau to "kiss and make-up".  Anyway, this is tough stuff.  More than anything I want to be pleasing to God and have no idea what that is.  What do you think?  Don't give me any fluff answers either. ;)

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Cindy,
I can sure relate....
As I read your post something reminded me that forgiveness is something that we have to do, as God forgives us seventy times seven.

I have turned on God and walked away from him many times through out my life. Only to have him welcome me back. I wonder if my seventy times is almost up. I sure hope not. People, family or friends are no, different.

However, that doesn't mean for us to be mistreated, or dispected, or used. I have recently walked away from my own family. They can never tell the truth. I am tired of the lies. Especially when there is no, reason for them to lie. Many days I have wanted to call and see how everyone is doing. I have to stand for what I think is right.

My own daughter and I haven't had a relationship in 9 yrs. It's not suppose to be this way. I pray daily for her. I refuse to be dispected by her, and used by her for just money. I don't understand after raising her and doing without many times thru out her life time so she would never go without, she chooses to mistreat and use me.

I can't tell you whats right or wrong. I can tell you to pray and fast about it. God will guide you and lead you in the correct direction.

None of us are pefect, but we are forgiven in the eyes of God.

Lisa

Aidan said...

I know precisely what you mean. It has been hard for me as I have wrestled with certain branches of my family who EXPECT things out of me but have done nothing to deserve even my presence. It's particularly hard when I know they keep a place open for me - at gatherings, at holidays, on my birthday. It's tough to think of that place sitting empty.

But then I realized that as much as I didn't want to be rude, I was less thrilled with the idea of filling that place. Because when someone has a spot for you, you have to be willing to be what they are looking for when you step into it. If you can't, then I see no problem in refusing to stand there. There are times I will visit with that side of my family, but when I feel like I'm losing myself or like they are trying to push my transformed life back into this Aidan-shaped place they have carved out for me, I excuse myself and leave. Then a few days later, I still get emails saying it was nice to see me for a short while and they were sorry I had to leave. I preserve the integrity of what God is doing in me, respect the relationships He has put in my life (for better or worse), and everyone walks away satisfied, oddly.

Also, I find that when I spend too much time reflecting on how I cannot or don't want to be in certain situation, in certain relationships, with certain people, I am keenly aware of the bondage that the dilemma puts my own heart in. It is then that, not knowing what will come of the relationship or sometimes even what I wish to come of it, that I remember Jeremiah 29:7, where God advises His people in captivity to "pray for Babylon, where you are held captive, for her peace is your peace." And so I pray, not knowing what for or what will come of it, because I know that I have let these thoughts, these broken relationships, my own conflict, and the million other little things that go on with these things entrap my heart. So I pray for their freedom as I pray for mine, and this, too, helps.

Jenni Thompson said...

I feel I am in no place to give advice on this, as I am one to withdraw from the situation entirely when I am hurt by someone. I don't think that always has served me well. But, what I can say is that I have seen someone in my life handle a similar situation in what I can only describe as very Christ-like. She treats this person as if she is an acquaintance, even though at one time they were much closer. She's polite and puts her concentration on the event (family gathering). She has made such an impact on me in acting this way and I know that she has with others as well who have had similar problems with the same person. What I have learned from this is that there are plenty of impressionable children and adults who sometimes act like children (including myself) who get to witness a powerful way to act. Whether her actions are genuine or not, it's been consistent and full of impact.

Maria said...

I think this is a common problem, especially in women.
The first thing I thought of reading this is a sermon I heard on the radio. The preacher was talking about forgiving. I don't remember the whole message but he was talking about this subject and how it compares to God forgiving us.
What if God was only willing to forgive us as we forgive others? It brought down the whole mentality of "I'll forgive you but I won't forget what you did".
That really slapped me in the face because I have always been "that" type of person. I had to do a lot of soul searching, praying, studying and as Lisa said fasting.
There have been instances where the hurt has been so bad and deep from people we go to church with it feels almost paralyzing. It's shattering to know people who are suppose to be your support system are the ones causing pain. It makes it difficult.
I have learned I want to forgive like He does, and I want to be an example for the people who have hurt me.
Believe and Trust in God, He will lead you to your solution.