Preparing

Today I find myself getting things ready around the house for tomorrow is my forth chemo treatment.  I'm finishing up the laundry, sweeping the floors, making sure we have the groceries we may need, paying any bills that need to go out doing the things I would normally do next week.  I am preparing for the "sickness" that comes after a treatment.  It is strange to schedule my life around sickness.  As I sit to take a break, I think about preparing to meet God and how much time do I put into preparing for that event.  What does that even really mean?  One day we will all meet Him and will we be ready?  Have I been honest about my heart, about my hidden sin?  Have I offered forgiveness and mercy as He does?  Do I spend enough time or any time at all preparing for Him?  Have I taught my sons enough about Him so that they will live Godly lives?  What does He see when He looks my way?  I have no answers only more questions.  There are days that He calls me to His word but many times I push it aside to do something else thinking I will later, but later never comes.  What am I missing when I ignore Him?  Scary, huh?  I need to search my heart and see what He sees or do I really?  Am I ready to give it all to Him, again?  It's not a one time thing but a daily one.  Those I thought I had forgiven have need of more forgiveness, again.  See a pattern here?  Crap!  (I know that's not a very nice word.)  Okay, well I have some things I need to wrestle with God about and I'm sure He will pin me down, not fun.  Now I see why sometimes I push Him aside, because being pinned down is difficult and it means I have to change something in my life.  Change is hard!  Here's to giving up control, once again.