Loose Ends

I'm all tucked in my bed, listening to my playlist of contemporary christian music and thinking about what I would like to type of this thing. I'm sure by now you are all up to date on my health struggles and where we are right now. Since the day I heard the word cancer my mind has tossed around and wrestled with how my life can reflect God's beauty and strength and be completely glorified by the outcome. Which is kind of funny because the outcome is the same for all of us, death. We should all be thinking about this not just me. But I suppose we are all too busy to stop and drink this truth in. That is the beauty of being alive, we are living at least I hope we are. Thinking about death can be exhausting and a real downer unless, unless I keep my focus on the living part. Wise words, huh? During this journey I have shed many, many tears of sadness and anger. I was afraid of dying of being separated from my family, knowing the pain I would be leaving behind/causing. I was afraid that God would not take care of them the way I take care of them, just because I'm pretty damn good at it. It has been in this part of my journey with cancer that God has shown me that he would take care of all of the details, just like he always has. Even if I'm here or not, He would be here. I thought I had given my everything to Him, but in reality I hadn't. I was protecting my family from Him. He could take care of the "big" stuff but I took care of the little every day things, the things that matter most. I'm sure He's laughed at my logic and wanted to send me to my room. I'm finally at the place he's called me to be, I trust him with what is most precious to me. This may sound crazy or stupid to you and that's okay. So, I thought I might start writing about my thoughts as we take a new road, hopefully a road to recovery. Since the surgery last Friday I've been basically on bed rest, since I don't have energy for much more than that. My mind is busy thinking and hoping. Since I've come to trust God with my "everything" I think, "Now what?" What can I learn now. Even in the depths of the unknown, I have to push aside my thoughts and focus on God and even in my limited mobility, continue to know and believe that my life still matters and how can I use this to love on others. Doing the little things is what life is about. Each day is new and offers challenges but also offers opportunities even for me. Praying for those in need, loving on my kids and Clay and just seeing beauty from my window is a blessing to me. I'm tired and ready to sleep now. Think about what you can do, don't be too busy to love on others, don't do it!! Goodnight!!

Health Update

Here is the recent update for my health. This is what we sent out to our church family.


Update from Clay and Cindy Cruse:
Our family is asking for prayers. As many of you know in 2004 Cindy was diagnosed with stage 4, Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (a slow growing type of cancer). This cancer is not curable but treatable, which means if it grows treatment will help but not take it completely away. Recently Cindy had tests done for some problems with swelling in her leg. The results have come back and show a tumor above the knee that may involve the bone. There are also ingual nodes (lymph nodes in the crease of her leg) that are enlarged and growing and incasing some vessels. A blood clot was also discovered and will be treated with daily shots of blood thinners. The oncologist has scheduled an appointment with a surgical oncologist for next week to discuss surgery as soon as possible. At this point the tumor maybe an aggressive transformation of the lymphoma or a sarcoma (which would be another type of cancer altogether). There is no way to know until both areas are removed and sent to pathology for results. Needless to say we are overwhelmed right now. Please, please take time and pray for us. God has a plan that is so much larger than we can see or understand and we desperately need an extra measure of his peace right now. We love you all and thank you for your faithfulness to Him and to our family!

Too Full

It was getting close to time to leave and drive into town for the Thanksgiving Worship Celebration.  It happened to be the same day that I had my cat scans and I wasn't feeling well.  I really wanted to stay under the blanket on the couch and sleep but I knew the boys were looking forward to going and getting out.  Clay would not make it home in time to drive so I gathered myself, straightened my hair and put my shoes on.  I did want to go, to worship God with singing, singing with my brothers and sisters.  Singing to God is one of the most beautiful things in the whole world.  So, we loaded up and headed to
church.  Clay was already there waiting for a clean shirt that he desperately needed.  There were a lot of new faces and many familiar ones too.  I took a seat, not feeling up to visiting, hoping that I could just be
invisible and worship without being seen.  Of course this never happens, a few people said hello and made small talk, some even noticed I wasn't feeling well and offered words of kindness.  Now it was time to begin and the first of three churches took the stage leading us in worship to the one who deserves it all.  We sang some familiar songs and some new ones, well new to me.  It was wonderful to worship with His bride.  I have missed this!  It was beautiful and so refreshing!  God fills me up when I'm in worship in ways that I can't express with words.  When I see others worshipping unaffected by those around them, it inspires me.  I love to close my eyes and concentrate on God alone as if no one else is there.  During one of the band changes a few words were spoken, I really don't remember what what said.  One word caught my attention and has been floating around in my head.  Full.  I think the speaker said something about being hungry for God but all I kept thinking about was being full.  How can I be hungry for God if I am already full, full of myself and things that are not of God.  It is amazing how full I can become with worldly things, even "churchy" things.  I even become full with hurt, worry, anger, resentment the list can go on and on.  I want to be hungry for God, for his closeness in my life.  I want to hunger for the relationship I know is only possible with him.  I want to be more aware of my fullness that  takes away from my God.   I think it's time to stop shoving every delicacy in my mouth that I can and to wait for Him.  It's not easy waiting!  Being full is overrated!

Randomness

Last Friday evening all five us went out to a movie and dinner.  Now that Zach is in college it is rare that we are all home at one time.  We ate dinner at the mall then walked around and shopped a little, it was nice.   Christmas decorations are on display and Christmas music is in the air.  It is hard not to become excited about the holiday seasons.  As we left the mall it had been snowing!  I love, love, love snow!!  I can't express how much I love snow.  It was a perfect ending to our evening together.  God was putting a cherry on top and I felt like it was just for me, even though I'm sure it wasn't.  Being with my husband and boys is so precious to me right now.  I think knowing that soon the boys will be all grown, married and having children of their very own will come much sooner than later.  Time seems to go by so quickly.

As a parent, it can be very difficult to stand back and allow your child to make a decision that maybe they haven't fully thought through.  Allowing the consequences to a decision to be their teacher is not easy.  Giving up my control is not easy.  When they were small, controlling them was necessary.  So, this school year I'm saying less (or at least trying) and letting the chips fall where they may.  So far it has been a good experience for all of us.  I will never stop reminding my boys of what God expects of them and the choices they make, but I have to allow them to choose.

I can't express enough how important teaching our children God's word each day is.  Each day we open a daily devotional book and our bibles and spend time discussing what God's word says.  The boys look up scripture and take turns reading and sharing their own thoughts.  If Zach is available he still joins in with us.  God's word is so vital to their growth and mine!

This post has turned out to be random thoughts.  Sometimes I'm just not sure what to share or how much.  I don't want to sound "preachy".  I'm just passionate about teaching our kids about God and how much He loves them.

The last couple of weeks I've not been feeling great.  I have been running low grade fevers for the last few days.  I am having cat scans done this Friday to see what's going on.  Today I went in for a blood draw and to pick up the "delicious" drink for the cts.  I won't see the oncologist until next Friday to hear the results.  The waiting is difficult.  If you have never been to a cancer clinic, it's not fun either.  Obviously everyone in the waiting room is fighting some type of cancer and would rather be anywhere else on earth but in "this" waiting room.  There are cushioned chairs, a TV, magazines and a large fish tank to distract us while we wait for our name to be called.  The walls are painted a boring white color and it smells like a hospital. It is a dismal place.  I remember once walking in and outside a woman was sobbing and talking on the phone.  The news she received was not what she was hoping for.  My heart ached for her.  It is hard to have cancer!  It is hard to sit in the "waiting" room. I want to be in the "living" room!  I'm not sure if a "living" room should have chairs or not.  It should have bright colors, smells of fruits, holidays or baked pies, music that my toe has to keep beat to and delicious treats and drinks.  In the corner would be a special place for puppies that we could pick up and play with.  All of these things remind me of God and heaven.  I know that God is in the dismal "waiting" room too, I just like my design better.  Okay, my random nonsense should stop now.  Can you tell I'm bored and tired?

Enjoy your week!

Today

There's really nothing exciting going on to blog about, just random things in my head.  Matthew is in the Young Marine program, similar to Boy Scouts only a lot more disciplined.  He is titled a New Recruit until he passes his PFT (physical fitness training) and a written test.  He's been working really hard to prepare for both tests.  Each NR must run a mile, push-up, pull-ups, sit-ups and a few other things.  They must earn at least 200 points to be promoted or they are recycled and can try again in March.  To earn a 100 points in the mile he must complete it is 7:31.  Today he finished it at home in about 12 minutes.  He does still earn points, just not as many.  The scoring is tough, but it really encourages the kids to work hard.  I'm really proud of the effort he has put into training for his test.  I'm hoping that he will push himself to do better than just the minimum to get promoted, the more points the higher the rank he will receive.  So, we will see.

The weather is so beautiful out and the leaves are starting to turn.  I have been afraid that we wouldn't get any color since it has been so dry out, but I'm seeing some of the leaves showing some signs of that fall splendor.

I am thinking about getting out my fall decorations today.  Since Clay's heart attack in May and my very slow recovery from knee surgery in April, I have felt like I'm down in a dark hole in the ground and I haven't really cared about much of anything.  Looking back I think that I have been depressed, just going through the motions of each day.  It's not a fun place to be in.  I've started to pick up doing the things I've enjoyed like messing with my flower beds, cooking, decorating and just working on projects.  Even ministry work has seemed like a chore, a dreaded chore.  I am seeing that I have to choose each day to be happy, I have to choose joy and ask God to help me to want these.  I haven't really cared at all about these, I have felt like Solomon did when he wrote Ecclesiastes.  Everything seemed meaningless and worthless and nothing really mattered, which in the big picture, is true.  But it's these mundane tasks and activities that help me to feel alive and close to God.  My hands and mind need things to do, I find rest in doing the many things that God has gifted me to do.  I have to change my attitude and get back on track with Him.  The past several months have not been fun, sifting my character and stretching me to "see" how much I need Him has been difficult and sad for me.  I'm seeing the need to push on even when I don't "feel" like it.  If I do what I know to do sooner or later my heart will follow, because it will have to choice.  So today, I'm going to get out the fall decorations and enjoy decorating without the fear that this may be the last holiday that I do so or the last holiday that Clay is hear.  I'm coming out of my hole of fear and pushing forward knowing today is enough!

Sorry that my thoughts are so scattered, but that is who I am most of the time.  Enjoy today, that is all we have anyway.  Today!

Timing

Here is what my devotion was for today.  How sweet my God is.

You are feeling brokenhearted and bound:  Entangled in webs of discouragement.  Pick up the pieces of your broken heart---scattered all around you---and bring them to Me.  Place them on the white linen cloth I provide and wait in My healing Presence.  Sit still in My holy Light while I cleanse you from binding webs of discouragement.  Look into My Face and see the great love I have for you.  Because My Love is limitless.  I never run out of compassion.  When you  feel on the brink of giving up, remind yourself of My great faithfulness.  I never give up on you!

Though your disappointment is real My Presence with you is even more real.  Stay close to Me as I work on mending your broken heart.  Of course, your repaired heart will not be exactly as it was before, but in some ways it will be much better.  Your renewed heart---stripped of its cherished hopes---will have more space for Me.

It's so amazing that God cares about how I feel!  I know this, yet I'm humbled by his love for me.  I needed this and his timing was so perfect.  

Weight

Last week was a very difficult week for me. It seems that when things seem to go downhill everything goes downhill. I was hopeful that this week would be better but, my heart is so, so heavy and sad. There are some relationships in my life that have been very important to me but, circumstances changed everything. I had a death-grip on the idea that over time these relationships would be restored, maybe even closer than before. I don't love easily and I don't trust quickly but I had given my heart and a piece of myself to these relationships. Last week, along with a cherry on top emergency, my hope was completely shattered. I mean, blown into small pieces that are not even recognizable under a microscope. My death-grip hold on this hope felt like my whole arm was cut off and thrown to the sharks, never to return. I have let my heart feel the pain, instead of numbing it. I am tired of crying and thinking about all of it. I am tired of the small voices in my head giving me ideas on how "I" can fix this. I do hear my savior's voice calling me to keep my eyes on Him, just keep your eyes on me. It is hard. The moment I look away, is the moment I feel the weight of my loss. I know that grieving is part of healing but, I really just want to skip ahead. I think that I need some type of closure and that may not be possible. If I could just lay a rose on the coffin, I think I would feel some relief. This is a first for me to mourn the living. Feeling and living is a crazy concept to me, there are responsibilities that have to taken care of and kids to see to. It's so much easier to live a numb life but, it's not who God created us to be. I hope that this week you take the time to really "feel" the weight of life and know that you are not alone in your journey.