Today

There's really nothing exciting going on to blog about, just random things in my head.  Matthew is in the Young Marine program, similar to Boy Scouts only a lot more disciplined.  He is titled a New Recruit until he passes his PFT (physical fitness training) and a written test.  He's been working really hard to prepare for both tests.  Each NR must run a mile, push-up, pull-ups, sit-ups and a few other things.  They must earn at least 200 points to be promoted or they are recycled and can try again in March.  To earn a 100 points in the mile he must complete it is 7:31.  Today he finished it at home in about 12 minutes.  He does still earn points, just not as many.  The scoring is tough, but it really encourages the kids to work hard.  I'm really proud of the effort he has put into training for his test.  I'm hoping that he will push himself to do better than just the minimum to get promoted, the more points the higher the rank he will receive.  So, we will see.

The weather is so beautiful out and the leaves are starting to turn.  I have been afraid that we wouldn't get any color since it has been so dry out, but I'm seeing some of the leaves showing some signs of that fall splendor.

I am thinking about getting out my fall decorations today.  Since Clay's heart attack in May and my very slow recovery from knee surgery in April, I have felt like I'm down in a dark hole in the ground and I haven't really cared about much of anything.  Looking back I think that I have been depressed, just going through the motions of each day.  It's not a fun place to be in.  I've started to pick up doing the things I've enjoyed like messing with my flower beds, cooking, decorating and just working on projects.  Even ministry work has seemed like a chore, a dreaded chore.  I am seeing that I have to choose each day to be happy, I have to choose joy and ask God to help me to want these.  I haven't really cared at all about these, I have felt like Solomon did when he wrote Ecclesiastes.  Everything seemed meaningless and worthless and nothing really mattered, which in the big picture, is true.  But it's these mundane tasks and activities that help me to feel alive and close to God.  My hands and mind need things to do, I find rest in doing the many things that God has gifted me to do.  I have to change my attitude and get back on track with Him.  The past several months have not been fun, sifting my character and stretching me to "see" how much I need Him has been difficult and sad for me.  I'm seeing the need to push on even when I don't "feel" like it.  If I do what I know to do sooner or later my heart will follow, because it will have to choice.  So today, I'm going to get out the fall decorations and enjoy decorating without the fear that this may be the last holiday that I do so or the last holiday that Clay is hear.  I'm coming out of my hole of fear and pushing forward knowing today is enough!

Sorry that my thoughts are so scattered, but that is who I am most of the time.  Enjoy today, that is all we have anyway.  Today!

Timing

Here is what my devotion was for today.  How sweet my God is.

You are feeling brokenhearted and bound:  Entangled in webs of discouragement.  Pick up the pieces of your broken heart---scattered all around you---and bring them to Me.  Place them on the white linen cloth I provide and wait in My healing Presence.  Sit still in My holy Light while I cleanse you from binding webs of discouragement.  Look into My Face and see the great love I have for you.  Because My Love is limitless.  I never run out of compassion.  When you  feel on the brink of giving up, remind yourself of My great faithfulness.  I never give up on you!

Though your disappointment is real My Presence with you is even more real.  Stay close to Me as I work on mending your broken heart.  Of course, your repaired heart will not be exactly as it was before, but in some ways it will be much better.  Your renewed heart---stripped of its cherished hopes---will have more space for Me.

It's so amazing that God cares about how I feel!  I know this, yet I'm humbled by his love for me.  I needed this and his timing was so perfect.  

Weight

Last week was a very difficult week for me. It seems that when things seem to go downhill everything goes downhill. I was hopeful that this week would be better but, my heart is so, so heavy and sad. There are some relationships in my life that have been very important to me but, circumstances changed everything. I had a death-grip on the idea that over time these relationships would be restored, maybe even closer than before. I don't love easily and I don't trust quickly but I had given my heart and a piece of myself to these relationships. Last week, along with a cherry on top emergency, my hope was completely shattered. I mean, blown into small pieces that are not even recognizable under a microscope. My death-grip hold on this hope felt like my whole arm was cut off and thrown to the sharks, never to return. I have let my heart feel the pain, instead of numbing it. I am tired of crying and thinking about all of it. I am tired of the small voices in my head giving me ideas on how "I" can fix this. I do hear my savior's voice calling me to keep my eyes on Him, just keep your eyes on me. It is hard. The moment I look away, is the moment I feel the weight of my loss. I know that grieving is part of healing but, I really just want to skip ahead. I think that I need some type of closure and that may not be possible. If I could just lay a rose on the coffin, I think I would feel some relief. This is a first for me to mourn the living. Feeling and living is a crazy concept to me, there are responsibilities that have to taken care of and kids to see to. It's so much easier to live a numb life but, it's not who God created us to be. I hope that this week you take the time to really "feel" the weight of life and know that you are not alone in your journey.

Conflicted

Feeling conflicted. This week I filled in for Terry, our secretary/worship leader, at church. I checked off the list of things he had left for me to do, answered the door and the phone. I caught up on some other things that I had been putting off too. I emptied the change out of the vending machine and refilled it. The coins had really accumulated and it took quite some time to roll all of the coin. As I sat there, rolling coins, the phone rang and I answered. The young lady on the other end was calling to ask for assistance in paying a few utility bills. She told me her story and the circumstances that had led to this point. This isn't uncommon, to get calls from the community in search of help with this or that bill. Each person desperate for help, any help. As I listened and then responded that our church was out of funds to help those in need and then had to tell her I was unable to do anything for her. During this conversation I continued to roll the quarters and dimes that were piled in front of me. How ironic that I had a pile of coin in front of me as I told her I was unable to help her. At that moment the scene of Ebenezer Scrooge counting his money entered my mind. Here I was counting money, that wasn't mine, from a vending machine that sells junk food and telling a woman in need that there was nothing I could do. How sad! Is this what our lives have become, not helping those in need just so I can budget my money to purchase things that I don't need? I don't even know what to do with this, with these feelings of guilt. I want my heart to be burdened for those in need but, I also need wisdom and knowledge of how touch others with God's love. God is working on me, opening my eyes to where I need to change. I don't know exactly what that is yet, but I'm open to it. Having so much, not going without is a huge responsibility and I'm thinking that I may not be that much different from the rich young ruler after all.

My Heart is Full!

My heart is full!  I know that may sound strange but, that is what is on my mind.  The summer has been filled with times when I thought my heart would literally break in two and there have been those few weeks before seeing my oncologist when my spirit was so uneasy, so uncertain.  But now as I sit in my living room, watching my youngest play the Wii and my oldest sitting with the glow of his laptop on his face, my heart is full.  I have a peace, you know that peace that is talked about in the bible, the peace that passes all understanding, I have "that" peace.  There is no other way to describe it, it is totally from God.  In reality there are many things going on in our lives that should make me a little crazy right now but, I'm not.  My heart is full and God is in total control of it all.  It feels so good to get out of the driver's seat and to be a passenger!!  The top is down, the wind is blowing in my hair and I'm enjoying the ride.  I don't even have my seatbelt on because I know that God will keep me safe.  I never thought I could feel this free, this content.  My hope is that I can continue to be a passenger and not grab the wheel, not jump at a sudden stop or bump in the road.  Today, my heart is full.

Summer Challenge

Last week we returned home from CIY camp with the 12 high schoolers.  Clay and I are so blessed to be able to go to camp and participate with the kids.  It is amazing how God will rejuvenate my soul when I need it the most.  Being away from home with no real distractions in the beautiful mountains of Tennessee was exactly where I needed to be.  The praise and worship was AMAZING!!!  Did I say that it was AMAZING!  I love worshiping from my heart and sharing that experience with others, there's just something special that happens that I can't explain in words.

While at camp my heart has been convicted to change my tone and the words I use with my family.  I had to ask for their forgiveness and asked for a change in our home.  No more sarcasm or discouraging words or tones in our voices.  No talking about others that will tear down.  We have made it for 1 week and it has been incredible.  My heart has been so heavy over the way I so easily use sarcastic remarks to make a point and how it has grieved God.  As I am becoming more aware of this in my own life, I've noticed how everyone does this.  Why are we afraid to just share how we are really feeling instead of deflecting to a witty, sarcastic remark.  Why do we have to all weigh-in on the choices or the actions of others.  How about we build one another up and not tear each down, and then say we are joking!  It's not funny!  Be real and honest!  I just want to be more like Christ.  Okay, I'll get off my soap box now.  So, this is what I'm working on spiritually for the summer: my thoughts, my words and my facial expressions  that may say more than I want.  Change has to come from my heart!

So, what are you working on spiritually for the summer??

Broken

I'm at a youth camp this week with 12 high school kids. My heart did not want to make this trip. I wanted to be at home, feeling safe with Clay and the boys. Since Clay's heart attack our lives have been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, normal errands, keeping up with the house work and the yard work, doing the children's ministry work plus getting ready for a youth camp plus all of the calls and visits from friends and family. I am just a little overwhelmed right now and I am gearing up emotionally for my 3 month cat scans. My heart did not want to come to camp. I really just wanted to shut myself and my family into our house and never leave again!

Tonight during the worship, God was tender with me, with my heart. He is helping me to pry my fingers away from the one thing that I don't want to give up... Clay. I know that if God chooses to take Clay home sooner than later that I will be able to finish raising our sons and take care of our home and we would be okay, it may take a while but we would be okay. Tonight God helped me to begin to understand all that I am feeling and he allowed the tears to gently fall. He gave me a soft place to rest and to see why I seem to grasp so tightly to my relationship with Clay. There are many people in my life that I know love me, my parents, my boys and friends but, no one has ever loved me the way Clay has. Clay has loved me the way God loves me. Clay loves me more than I love myself at times. He knows everything there is to know about me good and bad. He allows me to share my heart and never shames me for what I feel, or for who I am. God has used Clay to show me HIS love. There is no love greater that I have experienced in such a tangible way on this earth. Clay has loved me well and I am a better person because of it. This is what I can't imagine living without. I am at a cross road where I will have to choose by faith to keep following God, to continue to believe in His love regardless of if I feel it or not. My heart is aching tonight, not knowing how to move forward, not knowing, not knowing. I am broken and need Him!