These are only my personal opinions on prayers. For years when others were sick, lost jobs, marriages that were in trouble I would often pray for the obvious solutions. Sick should be well, jobs replaced, marriages healed you get the idea. To me the solutions were obvious and simple. When the prayers didn't seemed to be "answered" the way I thought were obvious I then thought "I" didn't pray enough or correctly or I must not have enough faith when I prayed or *gasp* I had unrepented sin in my life. Over the years my prayer life has changed and the way I approach prayer and what it really is to me has changed as well. My personal journey has caused me to question, search and struggle, and struggle well with God and myself to be at the place I am now. When I heard the words "cancer" and "it's not curable" I was forced to reconcile these doubts and my relationship with a living God in order to survive, which would eventually turn into thriving. Many of my friends and family immediately "prayed" for my healing. For some reason I was uncomfortable with this, maybe because if I didn't ask for this then I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't happen. To this day I haven't asked God to heal me. I have asked God to take it all away and maybe those words are still the same as being healed, I don't know. I have cried out to God in anger, in emotional pain, in fear in desperation. I have felt it all. Each time I would cry to Him, He would open my mind and eyes to what I was really afraid of. At first I was afraid to die, to be separated from my family. I didn't want to go to heaven "alone". Then time would pass and I would have another melt down and a new fear would arise, like I didn't trust God to take care of my boys if I couldn't finish raising them. God would gently show me that He loved them more than I ever could and He would take care of them. Right now the only pain or fear I have is the weight of what their grief will be like if God calls me home sooner than later. Processing these emotions with God has been an evolving roller coaster. I have no idea why God allowed me to have cancer. I do know that he thought I was able to handle it because his word says he will never give me more than I can handle. I know that I have changed spiritually in so many ways that otherwise I doubt anything else would have moved my "self-centered" butt to deal with the fears I've had. I have seen my husband and sons struggle with God on this same journey and they each have grown closer to Him too. Here is a quote from Joni Erickson Tada that I just love:
It's Ephesians 3:10. Now listen to this. This is so key. This is so critical. It says there that,
[God's] intent is now, through the church [that's you and me, through us], the manifold wisdom of God is made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms.
Okay, let me paraphrase it. Because it says there that God wants to use our lives—your life and mine—as black boards upon which He chalks marvelous lessons about Himself for the benefit of millions and millions of unseen beings. Angels, even demons, are intensely interested in the way I respond to my afflictions because it teaches them something about God.
These are words that I live by now. How amazing that God allowed something bad to happen to my life in order to show "unseen beings" something glorious about God! What a privilege to be used by my creator in this way. This is what it's all about for me. I may not live a long life but my life will be one that brings glory to God in ways I don't see right now. When I pray about the cancer or sickness or someone marriage, job whatever I ask that God gives them strength and courage. I have no idea what His plans are, how a difficult situation can bring others to know Jesus but, I do know that "I" don't know. If you look for the good in the hard things you will DEFINITElY find it. It there!! It's always been there, I just had to change my perspective on it. My life isn't about me, that sounds stupid but it's true. My life is about God and others. I'm not afraid of what my future holds here or in heaven. I'm convinced that God will take care of those I leave behind and that heaven is a ROCKIN' place and I'm excited to go one day now or later. For me prayer is not about requesting things from God but about my time with Him. One of the definitions of prayer is: a personal communion with God. I love that, it's not about my words, my faith, my attendance it's about just being with Him and talking with Him. He's amazing!! Well that's all I have! I pray that you can know the true love He has for you and your life is a sweet aroma to Him!
2 comments:
It took a long time for me to realize that thinking I wasn't praying right or that my prayers weren't getting through somehow...was nothing more than turning God into superstition. Did I cross my fingers hard enough?
But prayer is...it is showing up. It is telling God that you know who He is and expecting Him to respond as such, trusting Him to be as He has always been, and accepting the peace of His wisdom when you don't understand it. And it is knowing who you are, what He says about you, your own limitations, and that deep-seated understanding that if you don't make yourself worry about it and simply trust instead, you'll be fine. Everything...will be fine.
So your words are beautiful, and it is nice to see Him growing you and growing in you. :)
I am learning so much just reading and watching your posts. God has given you such a gift through this. I appreciate that you are sharing with others. I smiled at heaven being a "Rockin" place! There are so many beautiful words to descibe heaven, but rockin is now my favorite! Love your words and who you are as a person, Cindy! You are also rockin!!
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