The mourning is over.

Christmas is almost here and with this holiday bring the usual balancing act of seeing all of my family while still keeping my sanity, or should I say, holding onto my identity. I am discovering that I become another person when I am around my parents and siblings. I resort back to becoming "child-like" around my dad, wanting desperately to win over his approval and affection, desiring that he could really "see" me for who I am, for who I have always been. Even with these longings nagging at my heart I push them away and hush the child deep inside. I really don't know how to relate to my dad in a way that feels safe, safe enough for the young girl to come out. I'm not sure what a father-daughter relationship looks like as adults. I would hope that he would see what I was feeling, even if I was putting up a brave front. I would hope that he would tell me how proud he is of the woman and mother I've become. I would hope that he would be one of the few people I would call first, after Clay, when I was in trouble or just needing some encouragement. Next to my husband, I would hope that he would be the "other" man in my life that would always be there for me no matter what. I have convinced myself that this will never be, shutting the door on the "hope" of what I deeply long for. Life without hope is no life at all, there must be more. As long as my dad is living, why should I stop hoping? Am I foolish, setting myself up for more pain and disappointment? Maybe?

God is working on me or should I say "in" me. He is opening a door in my heart, allowing a shimmer of light to shine through the crack into the darkness. I am not sure what is on the other side of the door and if I can trust God enough I may be able to allow the door to open. I want to learn how to "live" in the kingdom of God, to truly live. I have never understood how to really live in God's kingdom and what that looks like. I have been so protective of my longings, fearing that if I allowed others in they would suck the life right out of me. I have mourned and grieved for so many years that I have forgotten there may be life after death. The life may be different, but life, none the less. I believe I am ready to take off these mourning clothes of black and put on something bright white maybe pink.

This song is exactly what I feel right now. How I love the way God works in others to touch our lives!!

Community??

The past few days have been filled with a flurry of activities, tasks, and just daily living. As I settle down tonight and start to breathe a little slower, I am seeing how detached I have been. I am not content with myself, wanting more, just not knowing what that may be. I seem to find myself being most comfortable when I am alone. Being in community is what God intended but, being in community can really wear me down. I know I am rambling, I will post more later after I think on this. Plus, I will turn into a pumpkin soon if I don't get to sleep.

Eve of Thanksgiving!

All is quiet in the house, Clay is asleep on the couch, Matt is tucked in bed and Zach and Taylor are at the movies watching Bolt with Jessie. My cooking is finished for tomorrow, the dogs are sleeping at my feet and Flicka is playing on TV. The last couple of days I have felt a little somber, with each passing holiday, I know that my time with my boys will be gone. I will wake up one day and my house will be still and quiet and my children will have flown from my nest and built nests of their own. Each year puts me a little closer to this realization and is saddens me. I wish I could freeze time and we would always be together, loving, laughing, fighting and just being together. I hate change, even though it is inevitable. This holiday season I want to just be content in today, enjoy the time we are together and not put pressure on myself or others to fulfill some "perfect" holiday agenda I have. Tonight as I sit alone, I feel so loved and blessed. My house isn't perfectly cleaned, all of the laundry isn't finished, there are dirty dishes in the sink, but I am content and okay with the chaos. Maybe if I can live with the chaos in my house, I can learn to live with it in life in general. Just maybe!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Barry Manilow

Now don't roll your eyes, Barry Manilow is one of my all time favorites. I have been to see him in concert once and loved it. I'm sure Clay would have another opinion. There is something about music that touches the deepest part of my soul, I am touched like nothing else on this earth. I think music allows me to feel, I can feel whatever emotion is provoked from the melody and the lyrics and music doesn't judge me but encourages those feelings. There is something so freeing and transforming about music, so addicting. I could easily escape into another life by listening to song after song. Maybe I am the only one who feels this draw, this mysterious connection that seems so familiar. I am not sure how long I could live without music. As soon as I awake, I am drawn to turn on my mp3 player. There is a connection to the singer, the melody and to God in each song I hear. I hear the longings and feelings of the one singing, I connect. I long to stay connected, no questions, no shame, no disapproving looks, just music...beautiful music.

Alone...

Today is crummy for me! I am having cat scans done today, checking to see how far my cancer has progressed. I won't find out my results until next week when I see my oncologist. For the past couple of weeks, I have been hard to live with. I am easily angered and bothered by the smallest things. I feel as though my life is totally out of control, and I like to be in control. On top of all of this, I am really feeling alone. This journey is not one I want to take alone, but I find that my family is on their own journey. I want so much for someone to share my fear, pain and sorrow and at times my anger. I feel myself shutting down my emotions just so I will survive. I am at a loss for words, just pray for me!

Moving along

The more I search for answers the more questions I have. I think that I am realizing that faith is just that: faith, believing in something I can't see, feel or understand. It sounds ludicrous. I live in a time where I am taught that anything I desire is within my reach if only I work hard enough, believe hard enough. What a crock of lies. I think this to be Satan's biggest and darkest lie for me. I have searched for a faith that can change my circumstances. When all along I should have been longing for a faith that can endure, regardless of my circumstances. I want to understand a God that can't be understood. It is mostly about me, and no so much about Him. I want to have a faith that is strong and trusting, loyal, unwavering, unconditional, without questions or doubts. I am sure the moment I have this will be the moment before he calls me home. Our lives are not so much about what really happens from moment to moment, but how I respond and react from moment to moment. I am learning, and I think at a remedial pace. At least there is a motion to my life and I'm not in a stagnant state. Even if my steps seem to go backwards, that is part of living. I see so many people not moving at all, toward or away from God. My heart is sad for these only because I am unable to connect to them. Without a passion for something, what is there? I don't mind to be lost as long as I am looking for the way back. I hope you are passionate one way or another about God.

Unsure Why?

All afternoon I have been in a stupor. I am really blessed to work with some amazing people in ministry, and we had a great time talking about things that are hard to wrap my mind around. Talking about what end times may or may not look like and just throwing out our random thoughts about God and heaven. It left me thinking and wondering. The topic of death, and the fear of dying, came up in conversation and why many of us, me included fear dying. Somehow I thought I was past this, with the assurance of heaven, why am I so afraid? Five years ago, I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, an incurable cancer. I am confident of God's healing power, and pray that it is God's will for my life, but I also understand that his plans are so much better than what I can imagine. He may have other plans, plans I wouldn't understand, even if he sent an email to me with a day by day itinerary I would still question Him. There are things good and bad that don't only affect me, but also people around me and people I may not even know. Well anyway, I realized I am afraid to die. I don't want to leave my family, and I think even more, I am unsure of what I will experience in the coming, live forever with God, life. The small amount of God I experience in my day to day to day life is not enough to go to. How crazy is that! How little my faith must really be to feel this way. I don't want to stop searching, craving and needing God and teaching my boys about Him and His great love for them. I am just unsure, I really don't even know of what exactly. I think I am still unsure of how much he really loves me. I know Jesus loves me and crazy as it may sound, God must love me differently than Jesus. I think I have totally separated them in order to cope with my pain. Now I do know what scripture says, they are one in the same...I know, I know. It has been easier to be angry with God and not Jesus for the pain I have felt. I know I am rambling and totally random, but I just wanted to get this out. Maybe I can read it over a few times and there will be some clarity.

New School Year

Well, we started school this week. I am still in shock that this will be Zach's last year doing school at home. It is so hard to believe that he will be graduating! Where did the time go. He is planning to live at home and attend Herron School of Art at IUPUI next fall. He is so creative and smart. He is just amazing and I am so proud of him, can you tell? I am glad he isn't leaving, but you never know what God will lead him to do. Right now, God is leading him in some new areas. Zach is a little unsure of the direction he is going, but it is all about the journey. I am so blessed to have been chosen to the mother of three, beautiful boys, or should I say young men. I pray that our year will be productive as well as character building. God must fill in, because on my own, there is no way I could do this. Learning with the boys has definitely been amazing and crazy all wrapped in one. I am lucky to be at home with them. My husband, Clay, works so hard and takes such good care of us. I just love my family!! Thank you God for giving so much more than I deserve!

Surprises

I was thinking this morning about how much I love and adore my husband and how lucky I am! It reminded me that I need to do something special for him, wondering how many of us forget to do those special, little things for our husbands. I think the last time I did something was a few months ago, I recorded a single song on a cd, left it in his truck with a card. The song was how I feel about him. Just doing the small little things, for our husbands it what keeps the romance going, even after 20 years. I'm not sure what I will do yet, but I wanted to encourage others to take time and do something for your guy! I know mine works very hard for us, so I can stay home and take care of our home and our sons. I love making him feel special especially when he isn't expecting it! Let me know if you have any ideas, or what you have done in the past to keep the spark alive!

Things I will Miss...

As I was making my bed, I could hear my boys talking, just chatting away and listening to music on their computer. I thought, there will come a day when there will be silence as I make my bed and pick up around the house. It warms my heart just hearing them talking and laughing, choosing random, strange songs to listen to. I will miss these small things, but I guess they aren't really so small. I will miss the extra laundry, the extra frozen foods I buy, I will miss reminding them to brush their teeth and to pick up their rooms. One day all of this will be no more, and hopefully God will fill the silence with new and wonderful things. It is hard to write about these things, but it is reality for all of us with children. I hope that I will continue to cherish this short time I am with these beautiful boys and not take it for granted!! God is good to me!

No more idols!

What a beautiful day we are having!! I love this time of year!! I met some friends at the movies to see Mama Mia, very cute. I love feel good movies!! These were some of the same ladies that joined me in doing the summer bible study, No Other Gods by Kelly Minter! It has been a turning point for me, putting away my idols and making room for God which means; I am trusting Him to help me develop some deeper friendships and to make new ones. I have put such a wall up around me, my entire life, just to protect myself and it has also served as my own prison. I have lived in such fear of really letting others close to me, fear of what they would really think if they "really" knew me. I am stripping down my wall and taking chances! God is giving me such a peace in this area, even though I have only started on this new journey. I am trusting God more completely, by allowing other women into my heart, is allowing God to work through these women in my heart, if that makes sense. It may take some time, but I know it will be well worth it!

I am also reading a new book, one that was recommended on another blog I read, called Sabbath Keeping by Lynne Baab. It is wonderful! Very short but so much there! At the end of each chapter are a couple of questions for the reader to really think about and pray about. I love the whole idea of having a "sabbath" or a day of stopping my normal routine to totally be free, free to play, laugh, enjoy my family, freedom from all that occupies my time just taking care of life. I hope to start this very soon, or at least just to fine tune our "sabbath" time we currently have and to be more deliberate in what we are doing and having a better awarness of why! I will keep you posted as to what we do and how it is bring glory to God! Enjoy the rest of the day!!

The Shack

I just finished reading The Shack by William P. Young. I loved this book. It was one that I just couldn't put down and once I finished I was a little sad that I'm not still reading it.

Today I washed my westies and then attempted and somewhat succeeded at giving one a hair cut. She looks much better, but it was such a job. I hate to shell out $70.00 to have them both cut. They both smell so much nicer. Other than that it was a pretty eventless day, which I did enjoy!!

New Start

I know it's been awhile since I posted and I'm not sure why. Each day I read a few other's blogs and really enjoy hearing what other mom's are up to. So, I think I will attempt to blog more frequently with just daily random stuff.

I just wrapped up a bible study over the summer, actually I was leading it in my home with 6 other women. It is called No Other Gods by Kelly Minter. What a great study, simple yet very deep. I highly recommend it. I really enjoyed getting to know these women a little better and deeper. It seems that so many of us, me included, are just so on our guard with other women. Being hurt in the past by my "friends" puts me on the defense. I so long for those deep, deep friendships, where I can be myself without being judeged. Those are so hard to find, yet so many of us are in the same boat. Feeling isolated and alone. So, I am going to trust God and pursue these types of relationships and take a chance. There are no guarantees but I do know God will guide me and has already given me a peace about this whole issue. So, I'm diving in.

Today, I am working on homeschool curriculum and our schedule. Big fun! I still have a few books to buy. I shipped our DVD/Recorder back to Phillips to be replaced and hoping it will come this week. I use BJU HomeSat and record classes for my 3 sons. There is still a lot to do before we begin, but I'm not worried or crazy over it. I will just do what I can do and that will be enough. I hope everyone else has a great week, starting back to school!

Enjoy the day!

Happy Independence Day!!

I hope everyone takes a moment today to think about what this day really means and the price that has been paid for each of us. Don't take it for granted! Freedom isn't free. Enjoy this day of celebration and rememberance!!

I LOVE SPRING!!

I couldn't resist taking pics of my flowers and posting them. I LOVE spring and all of the beauty it holds. The flowers in my garden right now are so beautiful and everywhere I look I see God.

Home at last!

I am so happy to be home from the hospital and feeling better, not back to 100% yet but I'm home. Being away from my family for what seems like eternity is hard to put into words. Not knowing when I could be with them again was almost more than I could take. I know that God allows these trials to sift and grow us. These last couple of weeks have really put my family to the test. I am grateful we are coming out on the other side and may never fully understand the full extent of our trial. It makes each moment sweeter, listening to my son tell me some big tale, hearing the birds each morning, taking a bath in my own bathtub. My senses are keener to just about everything even the complaining and negativity and it makes me sad. I hope that my family can grow stronger and more encouraging to one another...always looking for the good in life and others. This is just the beginning!

This just randomly has popped into my thoughts this week. I have been thinking about the time Jesus was baptized by John and afterwards what God said. "This is my son, whom I love and am well pleased!" What does that really mean? Why was God pleased with Jesus at that exact moment? Why didn't God say those words as Jesus hung on the cross? Also, the dove that came down, does that mirror the dove that left the ark to find dry land? I have thinking and begining to search for myself to find some type of answer. I know that God puts little jewels of mystery all through his word, and I LOVE to find them. There is so much we miss and look past in his word. I am not sure why I am so drawn to this but maybe God has something for me to find. Sometimes, the answers are not what they seem. "This is my son, whom I love and am well pleased!" There is something there..I can feel it. Think about it!

Warm Snow

What does warm snow feel like? When I am transformed from this life to heaven, I want to play in warm snow. There are so many things that await us there. Will it be a place where we all will get our way or, will we put others first and not care. What will we want there? I want to be where there are puppies with puppy breath, horses, to be on top of a mountain while standing by the edge of the ocean. Now that I think of it, these things give me feelings that are so familiar, yet so hard to hold on to. I am comforted and reminded of the awe of God while looking at His creation from the viewpoint of a mountain or the edge of the ocean. I think I could spend days and days without moving just gazing out over the expanse of it all. Maybe I secretly feel like at any moment He will come for me from beyond the ocean or beyond the edges of the earth. Staring out just waiting for Him. The awe of God is everywhere for me. I don't want to miss a thing, while I wait for Him...or maybe He's waiting for me to come to Him. I am going to soak it all in today. I am going to love each moment, sound, touch, taste and smell. Today I am going to smell God. Maybe tomorrow I will get to play in the warm snow, it could happen.

The Path

Is there such a thing as balance? How do things seem to go spinning out of "my" control? I am always under the illusion that my life or just "a great" life is one that is orderly, predictable to some degree and calm. You know what I mean, I get up at this time, then do this, this and this. I have this time cut out for God during this time and everything is so "Brady Bunch". That is the extent of my imagination in what God will make of my life. Fortunately, God is saying, "NO! There is so much more for you, and since you can't imagine it, I will take you there. It will get difficult at times, you may not understand why I choose to take the paths we will take, but the key is that "we" are traveling together. When you are afraid, I will hold you under my wings, softly and tenderly. When you can't see because it is too dark, I will be your eyes and it is okay for you to keep your eyes closed. When you are distracted by this sinful, fallen world I will cover you with grace and ease your pain. There will be times that you must trust in my plan when it doesn't make sense, and know that I may be glorified more through your pain than through your wholeness. I know the tears you weep, but this path we are traveling will be so much more than you ever imagined. I am giving you more, more of ME."
In the midst of distraction of a sinful, fallen dying world I must search for you and find you, when I am tired, distracted, confused, and scared..I have to find you in it, feel you, see you, be with you. Help calm me, Help calm me.

Night Rider..I'm Hot!!

I am on my soap box tonight. We sat down to watch the new Night Rider show, since we really like the one that was aired a few years ago, probably more like 20 years ago. Anyway, within the first 10 minutes we were watching 2 girls in a bed with a guy and I am suspious that they weren't married (they could have been from Utah). Then, wait there's more, we were able to see 2 women having a one night stand, or actually the next morning. I was so thrilled to explain this to my children. I even checked the rating before the show began which listed NR. I am so, so sick of the CRAP and **** that is on TV. Needless to say, we turned the channel. I am sad to miss seeing the totally awesome Mustang on Night Rider. I think the "Hoff" would be ashamed. I don't think even Baywatch was that trashy. Thanks NBC for the smut!! Just a side note..I was contacted about being a participant for the Neilson Ratings. Payback in inevitable.

Well Rehearsed Lies

I heard this week that excuses are "well rehearsed lies". Wow! That is profound. How many times each day do I make excuses to myself or others? Excuse means to pardon for an offense. How does that grab ya? It has really challenged me to notice each time I offer up an excuse not to do something that I know deep down I should do. What am I so afraid of risking that I make excuses..my "precious time", my money, my own will. In reality these all belong to God anyway, not me. What would life look like or feel like if I went through an entire day without an excuse? I attempted this yesterday..I think I did pretty good..and as I lay in bed, my heart felt so full of joy that it would explode. I did the things during the day that popped into my mind, at the moment they popped in. Like..calling someone or praying for someone. It was all about doing and being! I have to say it was an incredible day! Nothing really different happened..the same ol' things, but some how it felt different. I became more aware and alive at the same time. I am excited to see what happens today, in my ordinary day.

What were you made to do?

What a loaded question! Trying to find the answer to this question is what it is all about, I mean to have a fulfilling life that is. Is life about the mark I leave on this world? I mean, really? Is it about doing all of those things you always dreamed of but were afraid? Or maybe, making loads and loads of money? I don't really know..if I had to guess, I would say it is different for each person. If I live a long life and am old and gray..or bleached blonde..lol..I think for me it will be how well did I love others? I want to spur others on to be more than they believe they can be, to be the more that God intended them to be. I believe that each of us is given a deep love, talent and longing to do a few things and do them well (like Rock Star well!) What will our life be like if we don't take the plunge, jump in and risk everything for what we love? That would SUCK! I don't want that type of life..a mediocre life. I want it all! After a few generations when I am dead and gone, no one is going to remember my name or what I did or didn't do. Only God and I will know and that is really all that matters. Let's live like crazy. Let's live like we only have one life to live..oh yeah..that is all we have to live. ONE!! Don't have any regrets..or would of, could of, should of's! Risk it ALL..Jesus did! (I love you MK)

Being Held

Worship was totally awesome today! I have been in a "circling" pattern for the past few weeks. I could see the landing field but just not able to pull it together enough to go down. This week God pulled me in and brought me to a safe place, a place closer to Him. Going through a struggle with God is something that changes a person, or it should. No matter how hard we push Him away, He just holds on a little harder. Life is never going to be perfect or even what I think it should be. Life is going to be more..God wants to give me more and I so want it..need it..long for it..feel like I will die without it. If I could learn how to rest in Him and Him alone when I feel lost...alone...unsure of where He is leading.. I know I am rambling..but I don't care. Today I stopped pushing Him "away" and placed my head upon His chest, He pulled me in and allowed me to breath Him in. It feels so good to let Him hold me!

Blog under construction

I know big shock to be back to blogging but, I do miss writing. Putting it down on "paper" somehow feels good. Maybe deep down, I think someone may actually read this thing and be stirred in some way. It could happen. Isn't that what life is, hoping, searching, dreaming our lives will make a difference to someone out there. I mean someone that you may or may not know. I am throwing around ideas for my layout. I like this picture of this broken vase. It may work. I will have Zach put it up since I can't find it on this computer. Check in later.