Loose Ends

I'm all tucked in my bed, listening to my playlist of contemporary christian music and thinking about what I would like to type of this thing. I'm sure by now you are all up to date on my health struggles and where we are right now. Since the day I heard the word cancer my mind has tossed around and wrestled with how my life can reflect God's beauty and strength and be completely glorified by the outcome. Which is kind of funny because the outcome is the same for all of us, death. We should all be thinking about this not just me. But I suppose we are all too busy to stop and drink this truth in. That is the beauty of being alive, we are living at least I hope we are. Thinking about death can be exhausting and a real downer unless, unless I keep my focus on the living part. Wise words, huh? During this journey I have shed many, many tears of sadness and anger. I was afraid of dying of being separated from my family, knowing the pain I would be leaving behind/causing. I was afraid that God would not take care of them the way I take care of them, just because I'm pretty damn good at it. It has been in this part of my journey with cancer that God has shown me that he would take care of all of the details, just like he always has. Even if I'm here or not, He would be here. I thought I had given my everything to Him, but in reality I hadn't. I was protecting my family from Him. He could take care of the "big" stuff but I took care of the little every day things, the things that matter most. I'm sure He's laughed at my logic and wanted to send me to my room. I'm finally at the place he's called me to be, I trust him with what is most precious to me. This may sound crazy or stupid to you and that's okay. So, I thought I might start writing about my thoughts as we take a new road, hopefully a road to recovery. Since the surgery last Friday I've been basically on bed rest, since I don't have energy for much more than that. My mind is busy thinking and hoping. Since I've come to trust God with my "everything" I think, "Now what?" What can I learn now. Even in the depths of the unknown, I have to push aside my thoughts and focus on God and even in my limited mobility, continue to know and believe that my life still matters and how can I use this to love on others. Doing the little things is what life is about. Each day is new and offers challenges but also offers opportunities even for me. Praying for those in need, loving on my kids and Clay and just seeing beauty from my window is a blessing to me. I'm tired and ready to sleep now. Think about what you can do, don't be too busy to love on others, don't do it!! Goodnight!!

Health Update

Here is the recent update for my health. This is what we sent out to our church family.


Update from Clay and Cindy Cruse:
Our family is asking for prayers. As many of you know in 2004 Cindy was diagnosed with stage 4, Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (a slow growing type of cancer). This cancer is not curable but treatable, which means if it grows treatment will help but not take it completely away. Recently Cindy had tests done for some problems with swelling in her leg. The results have come back and show a tumor above the knee that may involve the bone. There are also ingual nodes (lymph nodes in the crease of her leg) that are enlarged and growing and incasing some vessels. A blood clot was also discovered and will be treated with daily shots of blood thinners. The oncologist has scheduled an appointment with a surgical oncologist for next week to discuss surgery as soon as possible. At this point the tumor maybe an aggressive transformation of the lymphoma or a sarcoma (which would be another type of cancer altogether). There is no way to know until both areas are removed and sent to pathology for results. Needless to say we are overwhelmed right now. Please, please take time and pray for us. God has a plan that is so much larger than we can see or understand and we desperately need an extra measure of his peace right now. We love you all and thank you for your faithfulness to Him and to our family!

Too Full

It was getting close to time to leave and drive into town for the Thanksgiving Worship Celebration.  It happened to be the same day that I had my cat scans and I wasn't feeling well.  I really wanted to stay under the blanket on the couch and sleep but I knew the boys were looking forward to going and getting out.  Clay would not make it home in time to drive so I gathered myself, straightened my hair and put my shoes on.  I did want to go, to worship God with singing, singing with my brothers and sisters.  Singing to God is one of the most beautiful things in the whole world.  So, we loaded up and headed to
church.  Clay was already there waiting for a clean shirt that he desperately needed.  There were a lot of new faces and many familiar ones too.  I took a seat, not feeling up to visiting, hoping that I could just be
invisible and worship without being seen.  Of course this never happens, a few people said hello and made small talk, some even noticed I wasn't feeling well and offered words of kindness.  Now it was time to begin and the first of three churches took the stage leading us in worship to the one who deserves it all.  We sang some familiar songs and some new ones, well new to me.  It was wonderful to worship with His bride.  I have missed this!  It was beautiful and so refreshing!  God fills me up when I'm in worship in ways that I can't express with words.  When I see others worshipping unaffected by those around them, it inspires me.  I love to close my eyes and concentrate on God alone as if no one else is there.  During one of the band changes a few words were spoken, I really don't remember what what said.  One word caught my attention and has been floating around in my head.  Full.  I think the speaker said something about being hungry for God but all I kept thinking about was being full.  How can I be hungry for God if I am already full, full of myself and things that are not of God.  It is amazing how full I can become with worldly things, even "churchy" things.  I even become full with hurt, worry, anger, resentment the list can go on and on.  I want to be hungry for God, for his closeness in my life.  I want to hunger for the relationship I know is only possible with him.  I want to be more aware of my fullness that  takes away from my God.   I think it's time to stop shoving every delicacy in my mouth that I can and to wait for Him.  It's not easy waiting!  Being full is overrated!

Randomness

Last Friday evening all five us went out to a movie and dinner.  Now that Zach is in college it is rare that we are all home at one time.  We ate dinner at the mall then walked around and shopped a little, it was nice.   Christmas decorations are on display and Christmas music is in the air.  It is hard not to become excited about the holiday seasons.  As we left the mall it had been snowing!  I love, love, love snow!!  I can't express how much I love snow.  It was a perfect ending to our evening together.  God was putting a cherry on top and I felt like it was just for me, even though I'm sure it wasn't.  Being with my husband and boys is so precious to me right now.  I think knowing that soon the boys will be all grown, married and having children of their very own will come much sooner than later.  Time seems to go by so quickly.

As a parent, it can be very difficult to stand back and allow your child to make a decision that maybe they haven't fully thought through.  Allowing the consequences to a decision to be their teacher is not easy.  Giving up my control is not easy.  When they were small, controlling them was necessary.  So, this school year I'm saying less (or at least trying) and letting the chips fall where they may.  So far it has been a good experience for all of us.  I will never stop reminding my boys of what God expects of them and the choices they make, but I have to allow them to choose.

I can't express enough how important teaching our children God's word each day is.  Each day we open a daily devotional book and our bibles and spend time discussing what God's word says.  The boys look up scripture and take turns reading and sharing their own thoughts.  If Zach is available he still joins in with us.  God's word is so vital to their growth and mine!

This post has turned out to be random thoughts.  Sometimes I'm just not sure what to share or how much.  I don't want to sound "preachy".  I'm just passionate about teaching our kids about God and how much He loves them.

The last couple of weeks I've not been feeling great.  I have been running low grade fevers for the last few days.  I am having cat scans done this Friday to see what's going on.  Today I went in for a blood draw and to pick up the "delicious" drink for the cts.  I won't see the oncologist until next Friday to hear the results.  The waiting is difficult.  If you have never been to a cancer clinic, it's not fun either.  Obviously everyone in the waiting room is fighting some type of cancer and would rather be anywhere else on earth but in "this" waiting room.  There are cushioned chairs, a TV, magazines and a large fish tank to distract us while we wait for our name to be called.  The walls are painted a boring white color and it smells like a hospital. It is a dismal place.  I remember once walking in and outside a woman was sobbing and talking on the phone.  The news she received was not what she was hoping for.  My heart ached for her.  It is hard to have cancer!  It is hard to sit in the "waiting" room. I want to be in the "living" room!  I'm not sure if a "living" room should have chairs or not.  It should have bright colors, smells of fruits, holidays or baked pies, music that my toe has to keep beat to and delicious treats and drinks.  In the corner would be a special place for puppies that we could pick up and play with.  All of these things remind me of God and heaven.  I know that God is in the dismal "waiting" room too, I just like my design better.  Okay, my random nonsense should stop now.  Can you tell I'm bored and tired?

Enjoy your week!

Today

There's really nothing exciting going on to blog about, just random things in my head.  Matthew is in the Young Marine program, similar to Boy Scouts only a lot more disciplined.  He is titled a New Recruit until he passes his PFT (physical fitness training) and a written test.  He's been working really hard to prepare for both tests.  Each NR must run a mile, push-up, pull-ups, sit-ups and a few other things.  They must earn at least 200 points to be promoted or they are recycled and can try again in March.  To earn a 100 points in the mile he must complete it is 7:31.  Today he finished it at home in about 12 minutes.  He does still earn points, just not as many.  The scoring is tough, but it really encourages the kids to work hard.  I'm really proud of the effort he has put into training for his test.  I'm hoping that he will push himself to do better than just the minimum to get promoted, the more points the higher the rank he will receive.  So, we will see.

The weather is so beautiful out and the leaves are starting to turn.  I have been afraid that we wouldn't get any color since it has been so dry out, but I'm seeing some of the leaves showing some signs of that fall splendor.

I am thinking about getting out my fall decorations today.  Since Clay's heart attack in May and my very slow recovery from knee surgery in April, I have felt like I'm down in a dark hole in the ground and I haven't really cared about much of anything.  Looking back I think that I have been depressed, just going through the motions of each day.  It's not a fun place to be in.  I've started to pick up doing the things I've enjoyed like messing with my flower beds, cooking, decorating and just working on projects.  Even ministry work has seemed like a chore, a dreaded chore.  I am seeing that I have to choose each day to be happy, I have to choose joy and ask God to help me to want these.  I haven't really cared at all about these, I have felt like Solomon did when he wrote Ecclesiastes.  Everything seemed meaningless and worthless and nothing really mattered, which in the big picture, is true.  But it's these mundane tasks and activities that help me to feel alive and close to God.  My hands and mind need things to do, I find rest in doing the many things that God has gifted me to do.  I have to change my attitude and get back on track with Him.  The past several months have not been fun, sifting my character and stretching me to "see" how much I need Him has been difficult and sad for me.  I'm seeing the need to push on even when I don't "feel" like it.  If I do what I know to do sooner or later my heart will follow, because it will have to choice.  So today, I'm going to get out the fall decorations and enjoy decorating without the fear that this may be the last holiday that I do so or the last holiday that Clay is hear.  I'm coming out of my hole of fear and pushing forward knowing today is enough!

Sorry that my thoughts are so scattered, but that is who I am most of the time.  Enjoy today, that is all we have anyway.  Today!

Timing

Here is what my devotion was for today.  How sweet my God is.

You are feeling brokenhearted and bound:  Entangled in webs of discouragement.  Pick up the pieces of your broken heart---scattered all around you---and bring them to Me.  Place them on the white linen cloth I provide and wait in My healing Presence.  Sit still in My holy Light while I cleanse you from binding webs of discouragement.  Look into My Face and see the great love I have for you.  Because My Love is limitless.  I never run out of compassion.  When you  feel on the brink of giving up, remind yourself of My great faithfulness.  I never give up on you!

Though your disappointment is real My Presence with you is even more real.  Stay close to Me as I work on mending your broken heart.  Of course, your repaired heart will not be exactly as it was before, but in some ways it will be much better.  Your renewed heart---stripped of its cherished hopes---will have more space for Me.

It's so amazing that God cares about how I feel!  I know this, yet I'm humbled by his love for me.  I needed this and his timing was so perfect.  

Weight

Last week was a very difficult week for me. It seems that when things seem to go downhill everything goes downhill. I was hopeful that this week would be better but, my heart is so, so heavy and sad. There are some relationships in my life that have been very important to me but, circumstances changed everything. I had a death-grip on the idea that over time these relationships would be restored, maybe even closer than before. I don't love easily and I don't trust quickly but I had given my heart and a piece of myself to these relationships. Last week, along with a cherry on top emergency, my hope was completely shattered. I mean, blown into small pieces that are not even recognizable under a microscope. My death-grip hold on this hope felt like my whole arm was cut off and thrown to the sharks, never to return. I have let my heart feel the pain, instead of numbing it. I am tired of crying and thinking about all of it. I am tired of the small voices in my head giving me ideas on how "I" can fix this. I do hear my savior's voice calling me to keep my eyes on Him, just keep your eyes on me. It is hard. The moment I look away, is the moment I feel the weight of my loss. I know that grieving is part of healing but, I really just want to skip ahead. I think that I need some type of closure and that may not be possible. If I could just lay a rose on the coffin, I think I would feel some relief. This is a first for me to mourn the living. Feeling and living is a crazy concept to me, there are responsibilities that have to taken care of and kids to see to. It's so much easier to live a numb life but, it's not who God created us to be. I hope that this week you take the time to really "feel" the weight of life and know that you are not alone in your journey.

Conflicted

Feeling conflicted. This week I filled in for Terry, our secretary/worship leader, at church. I checked off the list of things he had left for me to do, answered the door and the phone. I caught up on some other things that I had been putting off too. I emptied the change out of the vending machine and refilled it. The coins had really accumulated and it took quite some time to roll all of the coin. As I sat there, rolling coins, the phone rang and I answered. The young lady on the other end was calling to ask for assistance in paying a few utility bills. She told me her story and the circumstances that had led to this point. This isn't uncommon, to get calls from the community in search of help with this or that bill. Each person desperate for help, any help. As I listened and then responded that our church was out of funds to help those in need and then had to tell her I was unable to do anything for her. During this conversation I continued to roll the quarters and dimes that were piled in front of me. How ironic that I had a pile of coin in front of me as I told her I was unable to help her. At that moment the scene of Ebenezer Scrooge counting his money entered my mind. Here I was counting money, that wasn't mine, from a vending machine that sells junk food and telling a woman in need that there was nothing I could do. How sad! Is this what our lives have become, not helping those in need just so I can budget my money to purchase things that I don't need? I don't even know what to do with this, with these feelings of guilt. I want my heart to be burdened for those in need but, I also need wisdom and knowledge of how touch others with God's love. God is working on me, opening my eyes to where I need to change. I don't know exactly what that is yet, but I'm open to it. Having so much, not going without is a huge responsibility and I'm thinking that I may not be that much different from the rich young ruler after all.

My Heart is Full!

My heart is full!  I know that may sound strange but, that is what is on my mind.  The summer has been filled with times when I thought my heart would literally break in two and there have been those few weeks before seeing my oncologist when my spirit was so uneasy, so uncertain.  But now as I sit in my living room, watching my youngest play the Wii and my oldest sitting with the glow of his laptop on his face, my heart is full.  I have a peace, you know that peace that is talked about in the bible, the peace that passes all understanding, I have "that" peace.  There is no other way to describe it, it is totally from God.  In reality there are many things going on in our lives that should make me a little crazy right now but, I'm not.  My heart is full and God is in total control of it all.  It feels so good to get out of the driver's seat and to be a passenger!!  The top is down, the wind is blowing in my hair and I'm enjoying the ride.  I don't even have my seatbelt on because I know that God will keep me safe.  I never thought I could feel this free, this content.  My hope is that I can continue to be a passenger and not grab the wheel, not jump at a sudden stop or bump in the road.  Today, my heart is full.

Summer Challenge

Last week we returned home from CIY camp with the 12 high schoolers.  Clay and I are so blessed to be able to go to camp and participate with the kids.  It is amazing how God will rejuvenate my soul when I need it the most.  Being away from home with no real distractions in the beautiful mountains of Tennessee was exactly where I needed to be.  The praise and worship was AMAZING!!!  Did I say that it was AMAZING!  I love worshiping from my heart and sharing that experience with others, there's just something special that happens that I can't explain in words.

While at camp my heart has been convicted to change my tone and the words I use with my family.  I had to ask for their forgiveness and asked for a change in our home.  No more sarcasm or discouraging words or tones in our voices.  No talking about others that will tear down.  We have made it for 1 week and it has been incredible.  My heart has been so heavy over the way I so easily use sarcastic remarks to make a point and how it has grieved God.  As I am becoming more aware of this in my own life, I've noticed how everyone does this.  Why are we afraid to just share how we are really feeling instead of deflecting to a witty, sarcastic remark.  Why do we have to all weigh-in on the choices or the actions of others.  How about we build one another up and not tear each down, and then say we are joking!  It's not funny!  Be real and honest!  I just want to be more like Christ.  Okay, I'll get off my soap box now.  So, this is what I'm working on spiritually for the summer: my thoughts, my words and my facial expressions  that may say more than I want.  Change has to come from my heart!

So, what are you working on spiritually for the summer??

Broken

I'm at a youth camp this week with 12 high school kids. My heart did not want to make this trip. I wanted to be at home, feeling safe with Clay and the boys. Since Clay's heart attack our lives have been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, normal errands, keeping up with the house work and the yard work, doing the children's ministry work plus getting ready for a youth camp plus all of the calls and visits from friends and family. I am just a little overwhelmed right now and I am gearing up emotionally for my 3 month cat scans. My heart did not want to come to camp. I really just wanted to shut myself and my family into our house and never leave again!

Tonight during the worship, God was tender with me, with my heart. He is helping me to pry my fingers away from the one thing that I don't want to give up... Clay. I know that if God chooses to take Clay home sooner than later that I will be able to finish raising our sons and take care of our home and we would be okay, it may take a while but we would be okay. Tonight God helped me to begin to understand all that I am feeling and he allowed the tears to gently fall. He gave me a soft place to rest and to see why I seem to grasp so tightly to my relationship with Clay. There are many people in my life that I know love me, my parents, my boys and friends but, no one has ever loved me the way Clay has. Clay has loved me the way God loves me. Clay loves me more than I love myself at times. He knows everything there is to know about me good and bad. He allows me to share my heart and never shames me for what I feel, or for who I am. God has used Clay to show me HIS love. There is no love greater that I have experienced in such a tangible way on this earth. Clay has loved me well and I am a better person because of it. This is what I can't imagine living without. I am at a cross road where I will have to choose by faith to keep following God, to continue to believe in His love regardless of if I feel it or not. My heart is aching tonight, not knowing how to move forward, not knowing, not knowing. I am broken and need Him!

A New Normal

The weekend had been filled with the youth group car wash, Sunday morning class and then Sunday evening youth worship.  A normal weekend for us busy, but good.  During lunch on Sunday we spoke of how the morning was a whirlwind of serving and loving on others and how good it felt to be doing what God had placed before us.  There was now enough time to head home and maybe rest for an hour or so before returning to wrap up with our monthly youth worship service.  Clay was busy preparing "stations" for the kids during worship.  Everything about the whole weekend was normal for us, normal for our family.

The youth service was just ending when Clay emerged from the gym, after a game of dodgeball, and took a seat next to me.  He was tired and was complaining of jaw pain, almost like a headache in his jaw.    I didn't really think anything of it and began to clean up our mess.  A few minutes later he quietly asked me to take him to the hospital and do it now.  I grabbed my purse and out the door we went.  On the way he said that he just didn't feel "right" and his chest was beginning to hurt.  I picked up my phone to call the kids at church and ask them to begin praying for him but, he stopped me.  He didn't want to worry the kids.  All three of our sons were still cleaning up and didn't really know what was happening.  I called Zach and tried not to scare him but, just to let him know that I would call when I knew more and not to worry, just pray.

We arrived at the hospital in a matter of minutes.  Clay's pain was progressing but he didn't say a word.  They took him immediately in and hooked him up to the heart monitors.  Just as I had set down the doctor entered and said he was having a heart attack.  As the words came out of her mouth the breath left my body.  I couldn't breath!  Immediately I left the room and the hospital.  My body was in total shock and I began to hyperventilate trying to catch my breath as the sobs overcame by whole being.  I remember thinking what do I do or who do I call.  I began talking aloud to God to help me, give me wisdom.  This couldn't be happening to us, to Clay!  I was able to make a few calls and my Mom was able to calm me through the phone line.  She later met me at Community South, where he was taken by ambulance soon after arriving at Johnson County Hospital.  I went back into his room as they were moving him to a bed for the ambulance.  He was strapped in, hooked to wires, not saying a word.  His color was getting worse and he was clammy to the touch.   I leaned down and kissed him, touched his  head and said, "I love you."  I quickly went to my van and headed to the hospital he was being taken to. A cardiac team was there awaiting to take him to the cath lab.  The 20 minute drive seemed liked a lifetime away.  I wasn't sure if I would see him alive again.  My heart was breaking, but as I spoke with God on that drive I knew that He knew what was best for me and my family.  That if God chose to take Clay home that I would be okay, over time, I would be okay.  I didn't bargain with God, I didn't get angry with Him, because we live in a fallen world.  I know we won't live forever on this earth.  A thought kept coming to my mind that Jesus was the same now as he was that very morning.  He hadn't changed, he would not leave me, he loved me and he ached as I ached.  God knew that morning what would happen that evening, nothing happens to us that doesn't pass through God's hands first.  I asked God if it pleased him to allow Clay to stay with me longer and not to take him yet.  I also knew that it was for selfish reasons I was asking this.  As much as I want my will, I trust God's plans for our family.  More than anything in this world I want God to be glorified through our lives, good and bad.  God gave me a peace that night even though I fought against the worry and sadness.  Even writing this my heart aches thinking about living without Clay.  If and when that happens I know that God will get me through it just as he is now.  I'm sharing this because I want those that read it to know that God loves all of us.  He loves us through the difficult times as well as the good.  I am humbled to look back to last Sunday and I can see how God orchestrated everything.  We were minutes from the hospital, when normally we are 20 minutes away.  He allowed me to be alone and the boys to drive separate.  He gave the boys a friend's home, 5 minutes from the hospital.  He increased my faith that evening!  He loved on me through my family and friends.  There are numerous other things that God has done through this specifically that I am grateful.  There's not one person on this planet, child of God or not that is exempt from heart ache and difficult times.  We must stick together, share our hearts and hurts and love one another through those times.

Clay is now home, with a stint and 5 heart medications.  Our lives are again adjusting to a new normal.
Thank you for praying for our family and loving us!

Praising God

I was listening to the radio and a caller called in to give a praise to God for his wife who had cancer and was now cancer free. It brought a smile to my face and I was so happy for this couple knowing how incredible the news was for them. This particular radio station was playing many caller segments of various praises on how God had said yes to their prayers. I love that about God! I love that when things seem as though there is no hope whatsoever and suddenly a miracle appears. To hear the voices of gratitude and sincerity in those who were so desperate is something that always touches my heart!

There is another side to God that I feel doesn't get enough praise that I'm very aware of in my own life. So today I want to praise God for the things that are harder to understand.

I praise God that he knew I would be a better person if I grew up in a broken home with an absentee dad.

I praise God for growing me spiritually by allowing me to be diagnosed with cancer that is said to be incurable.

I praise God for the pain that I have gone through and survived and now I can be more compassionate of others.

I praise God for all of the medical bills and forcing me to completely rely on him to see us through it.

I praise God that he loves me enough to continue to sift and mold me to be more like him.

I praise God that I matter and that I am loved!

I praise God for loving me even when I didn't want to praise him!

These are the things I would say if I called into the radio station to share my praises. This is the side of God that I want us all to remember. He is great no matter what!

I'm still here

I just wanted to check in and say that I'm still alive. The past month I have been dealing with a knee problem and am currently recovering from knee surgery. So, I haven't felt much like typing or doing anything but, taking pain meds and sleeping or watching TV. Hopefully I will be back to my normal schedule and life very soon. Right now I have a lot of catch-up to do at home.

Enjoy the beautiful spring weather!

Thoughts

As we were traveling the 34+ hours to and from Florida, I was able to enjoy the view out of my window and think, think about everything that we passed by.  I am feeling conviction about my thoughts.  I really have never thought much about my silent thoughts and how it affects me or those around me.  I am very good at holding my tongue only to let my mind silently scream some sarcasm or even wait until I'm alone with my husband and unload what I really wanted to say about a certain situation.  I find that at times it is very difficult to just be still and silent.  I'm not comfortable with the silence in my mind.  I like to be "witty" and "clever" in how I think.  I find that I have an opinion about EVERYTHING, things that don't matter at all.  I have appointed myself the "Socially Acceptable Behavioral Police"  also known as SABP.  If you need to mow your yard, I could be the one to give you a friendly reminder or if you leave your trash cans at the curb after the trash man has emptied them, then another reminder may come your way.  I just think this stupid stuff.  I may make comments to my husband or just in my head, because I am in control over my tongue and am a good christian girl.  I would never say these things to those I'm speaking about, and I probably don't even know.  There are people that I have to see regularly and I can be kind and polite, but inside my mind I'm thinking thoughts that should get my mouth washed out.  So, now that God is bringing this problem to my attention and I'm actually listening, I am taking one day at a time and working on not being sarcastic to myself or to anyone else.  When I'm tempted to think something negative about someone for their behavior or for whatever reason, I'm gently reminded to take that thought captive and remember that I'm accountable to God.  I want to be a blessing to those around me in deed and in my thoughts.  So the last couple of days have been rather interesting.  I'm amazed on what a smart *** I really am.  This is not good.  Maybe when my mind isn't so cluttered with this nonsense God will be able to use it to his glory!

Stirring

We are home from our trip to Florida. It was so nice to get away and enjoy each other! We slept in, watched movies, played outside, ate, went site seeing and basically just relaxed with no agenda. What a blessing it was for us to get a break from our very busy life. I was able to finish a book called The Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore.  It was an incredible true story that I can't stop thinking about.  My heart is being tugged and pulled to make some changes about how I think and act.  I want my life to be what God meant for it to be.  God is definitely getting my attention and how I can make a difference.  I'm feeling called to help the poor, especially children.  I have soooo much and I need to use it to reach those in need.  I need to stop thinking about the next thing I can buy or do that will entertain me and think about how can I use this money, that God gives me, to help those who have nothing.  Why is it that those who have nothing are willing to give the most.  Why do I think twice about giving my time and money away when in reality I won't go without.  I never go without, EVER.  I eat what I want when I want, I go where I want and do what I want.  I am rich beyond imagination.  When I turn on the television it caters to my rich life style, tempting me to want more, buy more and convince me that I deserve more.  REALLY???  I have been so blind, so ignorant to why God has blessed me with wealth.  This has to change!  I want and need to change.  I need God to forgive my selfishness, my sickness that "it is all about me".  I am excited to see what comes next.
There is a stirring within my soul that will no longer be satisfied with what this world offers.  I am aware now, my eyes are open, my heart is aching for others.  I want to love, I long to love others where they are, no questions just love, love, love.  Please continue to stir my heart and soul!

Vanity

Lately for some reason I have been thinking about my own vanity and how it affects others or does it.  A lot of women, not all, obsess over the appearance of not only themselves, but also the appearances of others.  I have at times, more than I like to admit, become vain and judgmental of others.  Growing up I don't remember being this way at all!  My family didn't talk about things like that.  We had clean clothes and bathed regularly but,  I was never made to feel bad about how I looked or dressed.  Well, there were times at school that I knew I didn't own the most up-to-date wardrobe but, I didn't care.  I realized we didn't have the extra money to buy expensive clothes.  That was the normal for me.  Looking back over my adult years I see that the people I had relationships with began to teach me how to be vain and how to look at others and judge their appearance.  It doesn't take much training to be a graduate into the School of Vanity with high honors.  I became very good at judging others and their appearance and what it "really" must say about a person.  How sad is that!  Who do I think I am?!

Anyway, this has me thinking about how my own appearance draws people in or pushes them away.  How effective am I at helping others depending on what I'm wearing??  Do those who see me wearing really nice clothes all matching with accessories feel that I am approachable?  This may sound crazy but, it's true.  The other day I went to a bank that was in an area of town known for money.   As I am standing in line I can feel the piercing eyes of those around me looking at my attire.  I am wearing jeans, that are a little big for me,  and a jacket that I keep forgetting to throw into the washing machine.  I stand thinking, don't make eye contact.  I am wishing the teller would hurry so that I can leave this place.  I guarantee that I won't make the mistake and choose to enter this bank again.  I realize that part of this shame I feel is my own insecurity with who I am.  I know if I had been standing in line with my Mom or Grams I would have felt no shame. 

This bring me to now and how does this affect my personal ministry.  Do those I want to help feel as though I am judging them?  Does my appearance say, "I love and want to serve you." or does it say, "I am better than you and I will make you feel ashamed of who you are?"  This is a huge concern for me lately.  I don't want to be the latter person.  Truly, I am the person who is most comfortable wearing jeans, sweats and a t shirt or sweat shirt every single day.  It's nice to get dressed up every once in awhile, but I know that when I do it makes me feel differently inside.  I am transformed into someone different than who I truly am.  Clothes don't make a person unless you're a graduate of the School of Vanity then it is difficult to overcome my training.  This is where I am today.  Maybe I should donate all of the clothes that transform me into someone less than a child of God.  Think about it!

Crock pot chicken

I'm trying out a new recipe today.  I'm not sure what the name of it is.  Here goes:

6 chicken breast
1 can cream of chicken soup
2 cups sour cream
1 pack of Italian dressing mix

Mix everything together but, the chicken.  Place chicken in crock pot and pour mixture on top, covering the chicken.  Cook on low for 8 hours.  Serve over rice or noodles.

Pretty easy.  I'll let you know how we like it.

Weekend Recap

Hello Monday!
Our weekend seemed to be too busy. Now that Monday is here, I realize how tired I am! Friday after school we cleaned the house then ran errands and did the grocery
shopping. I have been contemplating painting the basement aka "Taylor and Zach's rooms" so Taylor picked out paint colors. Saturday was spent sleeping in, laundry and I thought I would paint the stairwell and still have some time to rest. WRONG!
I am afraid of heights and most of the high painting had to be done on a ladder. I have gotten pretty good at painting and trimming since doing the mural at church. The stair well would have taken about a hour or so if I could have actually reached to the ceiling but, it took 4 hours. It is the first time it has been painted since we moved in 12 years ago. I didn't realize how badly it needed it until I was finished. At least the hard part of it is done. I'm not sure how I will break down painting the rest of the basement. The boys have a lot of posters on the walls plus Zach has a huge amount of project materials that are everywhere. I think if I do one or two walls a day or every few days it won't be feel so insurmountable.  Tay picked two colors a white and a greenish/blue.  I will post pics later. 

Then Sunday was church, lunch and then I went to a movie with Zach and Taylor.  We saw Extraordinary Measures with Harrison Ford.  We really enjoyed it!  I highly recommend it.  After the movie we enjoyed Krispy Kreme donuts, Yum!

After my date with the boys I went back to church to work until WYFO (Worship Your Face Off).

It was a busy weekend.  Normally I don't allow myself to be so busy so that I can rest.  I think this week will be somewhat quiet.  The home school convention is this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it.  It is a great time for me to be renewed and inspired in my efforts to home school the boys. 


If you have time would you say a prayer for me as I work through a situation in my life.  I can't really give any details, just that I'm conflicted in what to do or not do in a certain relationship.  I just can't get it out of my mind and feel myself going into "fix" it mode which may not be pleasing to God.  Anyway, thanks in advance! 


Enjoy your week!

Distracted

Here is the view from where I am sitting right now.  It is after 2 pm and we are finished with school for the day.  Zach's class was also cancelled and I cancelled my appointment today.  The snow is still falling and as I sit here thinking about all of the many things I should be doing I just want to gaze out the window at this tree and snow falling.  It is so beautiful and peaceful.  I opened the window to take the picture and it is so very quiet outside.  It's almost as if God is sprinkling this magical, "heavenly" dust down on us just to quiet us where we are.  I am entranced with the view and the stillness of it all.  It almost brings tears to my eyes.  I think I hear Him calling me to just be distracted and stop worrying and working and enjoy Him today.  I purchased a bible study book that I have not yet started and I think it is calling out to me to open the crisp new pages and dive in.  I so many times ignore these moments for fear of letting go of my to-do lists in my head that I am sure I have missed out on something special with God.  Well, today I'm not going to feel guilty for being distracted by the beauty out side of my window and I'm going to go and begin the study on Esther and listen for Him to speak to me or maybe I'll just enjoying being close to Him.  I love it when he calls me!

Words

Having an online blog is at times really tough because I do want to be honest and share my thoughts with others who might be going through the same thing. At the same time there are those who may read my thoughts and not really understand what my heart is feeling or saying. Putting words to feelings is challenging. Hearing the tone of my thoughts is not something easily done in writing. Facebook is the same way. If I'm having a bad day and post something about how I'm feeling I take the chance of others misunderstanding my words. I have learned over the years that the best way to deal with conflict is communication. I LOATHE gossip, even though I find myself gossiping. It is so hurtful! I can not think of a time that I have tried to use my words to purposefully tear someone down just to be mean even though I'm sure I have. Too many times I have been on the receiving end of those mean words where I felt it necessary to try and explain the truth to those who would listen to untruths about my family or my character. Over the past 15 years or so I have had to learn to stop trying to "fix" whatever damage gossip has done in my life. It is definitely not easy to allow others to believe lies but, it is too exhausting trying to "fix" it all the time. If you have a problem with someone then talk to that person and be honest with how you are feeling. There is a risk that the person may or may not respond to you but, at least you have done your part. If you feel like it is still unresolved you may have to just drop it and move on. I can't "make" people listen, believe, or understand me, I can only hope that in a conversation or in our relationship they will care about me enough to try. My own heart is bruised with those attempts and the let-downs afterwards. I miss and long for those relationships that I used to have and have been broken.

Last month as I struggled with how to move on God lead me to a verse in Isaiah three different time in the course of a few days. It is:

Is. 43:18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

I am convicted that I can't live in the past, I can't bring back what used to be. I have to stop hoping for once was and put my hope in God. My hope has to be that God will lessen the pain each time my wound it touched and that he will help me to move forward even if the reality means that I must grieve for what I have lost, what I still miss. I can't replace what is gone and I can't forget. I'm not sure what to do with that but, I do remember the good too. Please remember your words today and how those words impact others around you! Don't be careless with what you say!!

If you are reading this and I have hurt you somehow please let me know.

Remember your words today, will they encourage or tear down??

Painting project: Candlesticks!

Is is Monday again, Yeah!! The start of a new week always gets me a little excited. I completed one of my first painting projects on Saturday and am very happy with the results. I had picked these candle sticks up at a yard sale several years ago and have enjoyed them but, was excited to learn that I could paint them and now I LOVE them. Here are the before and after pics.  These are the before pics:

 

 

                                                                  Here is the primer:

 

Now here these are all finished!

  

I really like how these turned out and it was very simple!  Now I'm am ready to tackle another project. 

I am almost finished with the signs I have been working on at our church, so hopefully I will post some pics of those this week.  I think this may be the week that I finally finish the mural.  We will see.

Enjoy your day and look for the exciting things God has for you today!

Romans 12:13

I was perusing other blogs I read and one of my bloggy friends posted a question about being hospitable. She asked how do we practice hospitality?

Romans 12:13 Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

What a very simple verse. Then of course I was curious about the definition of
hospitality.

Hospitable:
–adjective
1. receiving or treating guests or strangers warmly and generously: a hospitable family.
2. characterized by or betokening warmth and generosity toward guests or strangers: a hospitable smile.
3. favorably receptive or open (usually fol. by to): to be hospitable to new ideas; a climate hospitable to the raising of corn.
4. Favorable to growth and development; agreeable: a hospitable environment.

So now I'm thinking and wondering what this will look like in my everyday life.  What can I do to put this into practice.  I remember one of our Elders tell about this lady that baked bread every week and gave a loaf to the visitors at her church.  How cool would that be to be visiting a new church and someone introducing themselves then giving me something they had baked from home.  I think I would go away from a place like that thinking how kind the gesture was.

This week I'm going to talk to my boys and see what kind of ideas they may have and how we can practice hospitality.  I love how God uses just about anything to get my attention!

So, what will you do to practice Romans 12:13 this week??

Pasta Bake Knock-off from Pizza Hut

I don't have much to post about so thought I would post this recipe that I made for dinner tonight. My family really liked it and I will definitely be making it again. Clay suggested that next time I could add hamburger. Any who...here is a picture with the recipe. Enjoy!

1 box of Penne Pasta or whatever shape you like
1 Jar of spaghetti sauce
1 bag (2 cups) of mozzarella cheese or any Italian cheese
(I also used some Monterey Jack)

Boil pasta according to directions on box, drain add back to pan then add in the jar of spaghetti sauce and cook until it is heated through.  Place this mixture into a baking dish and add cheese.  Mix in some of the cheese and then add rest to the top.  Bake at 400 degrees for about 12-15 minutes.

Very simple and quick!!

I choose YOU!

I'm up earlier than usual waiting for the sun to come up. I opened my bible this morning and decided to read my favorite verses, Psalms 103. I LOVE this passage of scripture. As I read it now I replace all of the pronouns with I or me. It is amazing how doing such a small thing can change how these verses impact me personally. God is so amazing, so true and just and longs for me to be in relationship with him. I feel the same longing but, so much of the time I ignore those feelings, those longings and tell myself...later. Later I will spend time with him, later after I do this, this and this. It isn't enough to read my devo and pray with my boys, God longs to spend some quality time with ME alone. I know, it sounds crazy, what's crazy is that He wants that with you too. He is so amazing that He can have a deep, deep relationship with every single one of us and each relationship is unique and different just like our earthly relationships. How amazing is that?? I have a few close friends but, no one touches my heart the way God does, so why do I wait until later to spend time with him when I know how he will impact me and my day. Today I choose to spend time with him before this, this and this happen, before life happens.

Raising the bar

For the last week I have been fighting the flu and stuck spending most of my time in bed. Normally I would welcome the down time but, I just felt so miserable and all I thought about was things I wish I were able to be up and doing.

Anyway, Sunday I attended a Leadership Meeting after church. Generally I dread meetings, I'm not sure why. The meeting Sunday began a little slow but, it ended with a really great challenge for not only our leadership teams but, for me personally. The challenge is to Raise the Bar. I have been very guilty about putting off projects or even just finishing up on projects for reasons I really don't know. My church is very relaxed and in so being has become a little lax in other areas too. Casual is good for many things but, not so much when it comes to getting things done i a timely manner. Another point was: If we settle for doing a good job we may never accomplish great things. Just because something is good doesn't mean it can't be great. I think I often settle for good not thinking that God probably has GREAT in mind for a job I'm doing. I need to raise the bar! I don't want to do only good things for God but, I want to do GREAT thing for Him!

Now I feel ready to get busy finishing up some projects that I have been working on for months, that just need a few finishing touches and the end result will be GREAT! I don't want my work to be just "good enough" God is calling me out for more and I'm more than capable of more. I'm also praying that God will open up the "creativity gates" and let it flow. I'm ready to roll.

Here is one thing I plan on finishing this week: Last August a team of volunteers helped to paint this incredible mural down our children's hall and I have been dragging out finishing up a few things. So, here I am 'fessing up to putting off what I know I need to do and it will look so much better. Here is a before picture.

I need to finish replacing the signs and adding a few shadows to some of my figures then it will be finished!

Happy Birthday Taylor!

Today Taylor turns 15! Wow! He has brought so much joy the past 15 years! When he was very small he could always make you laugh, he is very funny. He is quiet and doesn't waste his words just talking to be talking. He has a deep, deep conviction for right and wrong. He loves Jesus and won't back down in defending his faith! He is kind and polite and grateful. He is a saver and doesn't spend his money easily. He is smart and wise and not afraid to speak his mind, no matter who may hear. He brings me so much joy and happiness! He makes me a better mother and person.

Taylor, Happy Birthday! I love you Taylor!

When do you get ready for Sunday?

I'm on day 2 of the flu or what feels like the flu with sore throat, coughing, fever and aches and pains. The fever I think is gone today but, I still am in the bed hoping that tomorrow I will feel like getting out of it. As I am confined to my room, with no tv, and just plain bored my mind is thinking about everything. Things I need to be doing, things I would love to work on, projects, places I would like to visit for vacations and also about life in general and how we live it. So, I thought I would boldly blog about my thoughts on Sunday Morning Worship and how or when do we prepare for it and how do we teach our kids the importance of it. There are no right and wrong answers only thoughts of what seem to be working in our family as we raise our 3 sons to love God and to serve others by attending worship on Sunday mornings, which is the only meeting time as of right now for corporate worship. Just a disclaimer, Sunday morning is only a very small amount of time that we worship God and serve him together with our church family. Our worship must happen everyday all week long, NOT only on Sunday mornings. So with that said onto the question: When do you start preparing for Sunday?

When Clay and I were first married we were regular attenders and were close to our church family but, before kids came long, if we felt like missing a service every once in a while, then we did. I can remember times I would stay home and sleep in and Clay might go without me or me without him. It never seemed like a big deal and maybe it wasn't, I don't really know. Then we had Zach and everything changed. I knew the weight of responsibility that God had place on my shoulders, on our shoulders. I(we) were now responsible for teaching this child about God, His Son, how to love others the way He does and how to serve the way Jesus taught us to serve. I knew that one day I would stand before my Almighty, Loving God and I would have to give an account on how I raised my son. I wasn't raised in the church, so I'm not sure where this "instinct" came from but, I knew and still know the truth of it. If we weren't faithful to attend church regularly then how would our sons know the importance of attending regularly? If we didn't lead by example then we would pay for it and our boys would pay for our mistakes and maybe even our grandchildren and so on. The tricky part of this is it's not just about attending and punching the "church" time clock so that we look good but, it's about being there each week to love on others and to be loved on too. It's about encouraging others and being encouraged. Granted, there have been many, many Sunday mornings that I have longed to stay in bed up to my eyeballs but, my sons would know that I was "playing hooky" and see that it wasn't important to me. There have been a number of times that Clay would let me stay home and he would take the boys, and this was because my own daily obligations were catching up with me (which is totally my fault) and something would have to give or I would hurt someone.

For as long as I can remember we have always prepared for Sunday morning on Saturday. We have been pretty strict with our boys about being out late or staying up too late with friends because we attend church on Sunday. There are no exception in our house, if one of the boys stays over at a friends house he is expected to be at church the next morning. If one of our sons isn't able to go to church because he is staying over at a friends house, then he can't stay the night. Our boys know the rules and over the years if Clay or I even subtly mentioned we may not go to church the next day for illness or weather, our boys would almost have a melt down. They love going to services! They have been trained that Sunday is important to God, to others needing them to be there and they need to be encouraged too. This may seem harsh "making" our boys attend church but, we "make" them go to the dentist and "make" them go to the doctor or to school because it is what is best for our boys. What could be more important than serving God by serving others. Our boys are far from perfect but, they love God and they see us loving God in a very flawed and real way. As long as they live here they will always be expected to worship on Sunday mornings. What are your thoughts??

Lazy Sunday and Cake Balls!

Well we have had a lazy day today hanging out at home, watching mindless tv and eating junk food. The boys have been out all day with friends, so it is nice and quiet. I'm fighting a cold/cough thing and don't feel like doing much of anything.

Yesterday I made Cake Balls and they are the most wonderful little things EVER. Here is the recipe and believe me you will want to make these gems!! I should have taken some pics to show you but, since I didn't I'm copying and pasting from this site:

http://www.bakerella.com/red-velvet-cake-balls/
Her Cake Pops are just adorable, she does really wonderful work!
Enjoy!

Red Velvet Cake Balls

Red Velvet Cake Balls
1 box red velvet cake mix (cook as directed on box for 13 X 9 cake)
1 can cream cheese frosting (16 oz.)
1 package chocolate bark (regular or white chocolate)
wax paper

1. After cake is cooked and cooled completely, crumble into large bowl.
2. Mix thoroughly with 1 can cream cheese frosting. (It may be easier to use fingers to mix together, but be warned it will get messy.)
3. Roll mixture into quarter size balls and lay on cookie sheet. (Should make 45-50. You can get even more if you use a mini ice cream scooper, but I like to hand roll them.)
4. Chill for several hours. (You can speed this up by putting in the freezer.)
5. Melt chocolate in microwave per directions on package.
6. Roll balls in chocolate and lay on wax paper until firm. (Use a spoon to dip and roll in chocolate and then tap off extra.)

I also only melt a few pieces of chocolate bark at a time because it starts to cool and thicken. It’s easier to work with when it’s hot.

Miscellaneous Ramblings

Well, I am very please with myself on how my blog turned out. I have never really done much with personalizing it myself. In the past Zach, my son, has always added things for me but, I am teaching myself how to use HTML. It is a little scary but, I'm up for a good challenge.

Our holiday break is almost over. Zach has been off from his college courses and I have loved being able to spend so much time with all three boys. We have seen a few movies, shopped, went to a few museums and spent some time hanging out in downtown Indy. The time together is precious to me and I know as they continue to grow up the amount of time we are all able to spend together will become less and less.

Monday we will all go back to our schedules packed with school and learning. Until Monday we are catching up on much needed perging around our house (2 of my sons don't see the need for giving anything away). It feels really good to give away things we no longer use or really need. Owning too many things suffocates me. As January is passing I'm ready for a new year with a new attitude and a new outlook on our lives. I am gearing up to see the oncologist again in March hoping for better news. I saw her a week before Christmas and was hoping to move my appointments apart to yearly but, my scans show 1 cm of growth in two areas and I'm anemic. I have been anemic off an on all my life so hopefully this is not related to the cancer. I have to go back in March for more blood work but, no scans this time. I hope everything comes back good and maybe she will move my appointments further apart. God is allowing me to suffer in ways that I never imagined physically and I can see how it has helped me to grow spiritually. It hasn't been easy and I am definitely still learning, learning to be more compassionate towards others with illness or physical pain. I want to see others through His eyes and be an encouragement to those who need it. Anyway, I am looking up as I climb this mountain and knowing He is worth the climb. Maybe I should say that I am worth the climb, I am worth working hard to change my way of thinking, my way of loving others and my outlook on my life in general. It is hard not to become frozen and stranded on a "ledge" unable to allow others to throw me a rope and help me along. Even if the ropes that are offered allow me to fall I know that He will catch me.

New Blog for 2010

I am trying my hand at changing my blog lay out and Zach isn't even helping me. :)

2009 Wordle