Lights

This morning is was so cold that our back, sliding door was frozen shut.  Despite the cold and the wind it is beautiful outside.  The sky is blue and sun's rays are sparkling on the frost that is covering everything.  Even with the bitter wind howling, the leafless trees that sway and the stillness of the animals there is a silent beauty that screams out the glory of God.  I love this time of year.  There is magic in the air and all the earth seems to know it, something wonderful is coming.  Preparing for the arrival of the Savior is heavy on my heart.  This year my preparations have been different.  I have not decorated our tree, the lights are the only thing that adorns the branches and the star on top.  There is something humble and simple that reminds me each time I see our tree that this season isn't about showing off my skills of interior design but, to remember the small baby boy that was born.  To remember the life he lead, to remember those he came to save.  Those he came to save stir my heart the most.  I am one of those people that he was searching for, a lost, dirty, broken, unable to see hope in tomorrow lambs.  He saw me, He sees me and He picks me up, restores my hope and sets me down with the rest of the flock.  He gives me a flock, those just like me to love me and for me to love.  This flock will probably knock me down from time to time, not share all of the food and even step on my heart but, this is where he has chosen for me to be and here I must stay.  I must stop looking over the fence and thinking about what may be on the other side or how things were and live here in the moment with my family.  My hope is set on Him and where He has chosen for me to be.  My hope is that He will pick me up when I'm knocked down, stepped on or just completely overlooked.  My hope must grow so that I in return can offer some small hope to others around me.  I am putting my hope in Him and I will stop fighting Him and where He has placed me.  He knows best and He also knows my heart.  Today my tree is only filled with lights, lights that remind me of Him!

I'm Ready!

I'm changing things up around here. I think a new look is in order as I begin the "next level" as my boys would say. The "next level" is here. I have worked really hard to come this far, to open my heart up and look inside. I have battled the "boss" at each level in my life to journey on to the next, harder, more exciting levels. Each phase has taken time, time and more time. I have had to start over and take another try when I didn't pass over the obstacles that were in my way. Along the way I have made some friends, I have discovered parts of my heart that were really hard to reach. There have been times that I was blessed enough to have a traveler journey with me and help me to fight the "boss" then there have been times that I had to go it alone. I am still learning how to be gracious to those that are just starting the "first level" of their own journey. I have always been the "Dr. Phil" type of person, to suck it up and move on. This has helped me to survive my life, but I want more than to survive. There is treasure to be had and discovered. There is a princess to be unveiled. There will be times that I may need to be patient with myself as I try and try to conquer the fear that threatens to beat me, but I know I can do this. I am still learning how to love who I am, even the parts that threaten to shame me. I want to love others well, I want to have friends that can call me out and still love me without making me feel ashamed of who I am. I want to be loved well! So, the next 15 days I am seeking God for clues to the next level and what He can reveal. It may be tough, but I am excited to see what treasure we find together.

Hope

There is something mysterious about hope that brings rest to my soul. I made it through the cat scans and the oncologist appointment. The doctor said everything looks stable and there's been no growth since the last 6 months. I do have lumps that will wax and wain on my face, but that is normal for lymphoma. Anyway, now that I am finished with the doctors appointment and test, at least for another 6 months, I can now rest. The week before I am so restless and uneasy that I'm completely miserable and I know I make those around me miserable too. It is the anticipation of having no hope of a future. Hope is everything and without it there is nothing, only death and despair. I am thrilled to say that as soon as the week was over, hope returned to my soul and I felt rested and at ease again. I am still very busy, but deep down I feel a peace, a hope that will carry me through until the next set of appointments. I want to learn to live in this state even when the chaos of the cancer is more than I can understand or manage. That is the challenge. To live in the hope of something greater beyond this world, my plans and my understanding or even my own feelings. To look past my simple view of the here and now and know that my life is so much more and to allow God to be so much more that what I can see or feel. The hope in things eternal is not the same as the hope of living our lives day to day. There is a hope that cannot be measured or even imagined. It is difficult to hope in something foreign to me, it seems like a fairy tale to hope in something unknown, I mean completely unknown. For today, I'm peaceful and full. My soul is light.

Intertwined

A couple of months ago, actress, Natasha Richardson, died. She has been one of my favorite actresses for many years. Even though I didn't know her personally, I was deeply sorrowful for her death. As the weeks have passed I would think about her and how bazaar it was for me to grieve for someone I really didn't know. I began to think about, I know this is strange, but when Elvis died and all of those images of grieving fans. Even when Elvis was alive the fans were completely, over-the-top, out of their minds when he would come on stage. It occurred to me how we are so intertwined and connected to each other, even those we will never meet face to face. We are all longing for this connection, even with those we don't personally know. As I would watch Natasha in movies, especially The Parent Trap, there was something about her that drew me in, something I connected with on a deeper level that I longed for. It is difficult to describe or understand, but I think that we all long for this. I LOVE, LOVE movies. I am always searching for the connection that will touch my heart and allow me to feel deeply. Strangely enough, I can even find this in certain cartoon movies. Longing to find others who feel as deeply as we do, or should I say longing to find other who will feel with me. In less than a week, I have to have a cat scan and then see my oncologist. My cancer is slowly growing. The cat scan will tell how much it has grown since last time (6 months ago). My heart is heavy. This morning as tears flow down my cheeks, I'm curious about why I'm so afraid, afraid to die and Natasha came to mind. I'm not so afraid of leaving, it is the pain of knowing my connection will be severed with my husband and boys. Our lives are so intertwined with one another that disconnecting will not be easy, neat and clean. It will be messy, painful and difficult. There is no way to prepare for this and no way to really know when it will happen maybe not for years, but it scares the hell out of me. This morning I can't stop crying. Being intertwined and connected, feeling heard, pursued and loved seems to have a price just as high as not having my longings met. Is the price worth this heart ache, Yes. I'm not sure what my point is, I just needed to get this out. I think my heart ache is more for my family and what they may be left with. Love is a strange thing! There is a cost to invest in others and allowing others to touch my heart, even those I will never meet. Life is complicated and messy and so worth living. I love my life! Thanks for letting me ramble!

My Heart on My Sleeve

I have been reading Allure of Hope by Jan Meyers and God is really challenging me in areas that I know I don't want to explore, yet I know that I must in order to heal and grow. I have been reading this book for the last couple of months, when I should have finished it in a week. It is the kind of book that touches the heart and reveals my longings in ways that I love, but hate. I think I have just taken so much time in reading it because it speaks truth to me, a truth that is painful and beautiful at the same time. It is almost like eating creme brulee, it is delicious and rich, but I can only eat one serving at a time. Unlike brownies which I could devour a whole pan and still want more. Anyway, as I think about what God is calling me to and what am I keeping from him?? As I sat in church a couple of weeks ago, I was looking around the auditorium at the many different people, my heart was so burdened for each of them. How alone we all really are in our own lives. We come together to church wanting to be seen, heard, loved and pursued, but we are all as scared as hell to really, REALLY be seen (myself included). God has so much more for us, for me. I want to stand up in church and scream YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I want to be the face of Christ to others and start the wildfire of transformation. I know that there is more, I want to take the risk and help others to "see" their own walls of protection. It is a hard job to tear down those walls and leave them on the ground. I am not equipped to do what God is stirring within me to do, but I know he will make a way. I long for others to join me at my church, I want to be able to share myself in a meaningful, complete way, with my faults, shortcomings, bossiness, want to know why self, not afraid to stand up for my feelings when I am hurt type of relationships. Not the shallow, you are wearing your heart on your sleeve, ashamed to be near you because you might stir something in me relationships. I am not satisfied with crumbs, I want the complete full life that Jesus says I or we can have. I want that!!! As the next few weeks pass I pray that God will show me where I need to continue to risk and open my heart to him. I need to see where I am hiding my idols of security, since they aren't working anymore, why keep them? I want to wear my heart on my sleeve and be okay with it!!

Living is hard

It's been awhile, sometimes I want to blog, but then I find myself guarded in what I might say and then it just feels like it's not worth it. Anyway, today I'm just really tired. I'm physically and mentally tired. Life is going by and I have much to do, but I really just want to crawl back into bed and sleep. I don't want to think or feel today. I want to run back into my hiding place and have an "easy" day. Living life to the full can be difficult. Giving my whole self to those around me is getting easier, but it still doesn't come naturally. Will it ever?? I'm not sure. Tomorrow will be better, I hope.

Zach

My oldest son, Zach, is almost 18. I can hardly believe that he is almost finished with high school. He is such a wonderful, young man with a huge heart and definite ideas of his own. He has his own faith and is so talented. I am blessed that God chose me to be his mother. I know that I have made mistakes with him, I have wounded him and I have loved him with all that I have. I hope that his journey will bring him closer to God and more compassionate towards others. I am excited to see where God will use him, hoping that it is close to home. This fall he will be living at home and attending Herron School of Art. I just want to say "Happy Birthday Zach!! I love you!"

Snow

The snow is coming down, again! I love snow, but when it hinders my ability to leave my house I begin to resent it! There is just something about snow that is beautiful and pure, covering everything in it's path with "whiteness". Snow quiets everything as well, absorbing the sounds of life and nature. There is just something about snow that words can't quiet describe, something I long for in my own life, a purity and quietness in my soul, a calm that is inviting and comforting.

Lately I have been reading a lot more that I usually do. I am hungering for truth and convictions that will cause my heart to change. I feel this "something" stirring deep within me. I am not sure how to describe it. My heart aches to help others, but I need to be okay if I can't "fix" others. I want to listen to their heart and to respond from mine. I find that I am still so guarded and I am not sure what is holding me back. To really examine my journey and my "walls" is difficult and I find that I put others to the test, are they really worthy to see my heart. Do I trust this person, are they really interested in coming along with me on my journey?? All are tough questions, questions I am not sure I will ever stop asking, but I must try to quiet myself and just enjoy their company, even if they aren't able to travel very far with me.

It isn't about me

On my home today, I was alone in the van, and began praying out loud for whoever came to mind. Many of those that came to mind were kids in the youth group as well as my own boys and myself. The last 5 years have been such a roller coaster of emotion, turmoil, the unknown, anger, questions, more anger. As I am praying today for those kids who are going through similar emotions with different circumstances, the spirit spoke to me. I was praying for the kids to be able to love others and live a life that brings glory to God even in the midst of the turmoil in their live. I am seeing that this is what God is trying to teach me, to develop in my character, that during the dark, dark days of my life I have to stop thinking of myself and see the hurts and pains of others around me. I have become so wrapped up in my own pain that I couldn't see what was going on around me. It is so difficult to admit that my life isn't about me. I want my life to be about me and what I want and need. I like it that way. How selfish it is, I know. I could concentrate on others for a short amount of time when my life was all roses and candy, but as I started struggling, my focus was narrow and selfish. This is where God is changing me, slowly. I want to share my pain along the way, not after the crisis is over. I want to help others along the way even if I don't have much to give. Hopefully that is when I am so broken that Christ will totally shine through and there will be no doubt that it is Christ and not me. It has only taken some of the darkest days of my life thus far to finally see this. My life isn't about me, my life isn't about me. I hope to hear these words in my heart and head the next time I lose focus!