Tough Relationships

I am in need of advise.  I have been struggling with relationships to be more exact, relationships that have been severed.  Over the years I've had a handful of relationships with people that have ended because of distrust or just plain meanness.  The problem for me is I don't know how to be authentic around these people.  How do I act around someone who I really don't like at all.  It is a hard for me to "pretend" to be nice to people I don't like being around.  It feels fake to me to put on a "nice" face and get along.  There are a few relationships where the other person has caused a great deal of pain for me and my family and has no remorse.  How can I be authentic and still be around a person like this??  This is my dilemma!  I continue to wonder how God wants me to behave and I still have no idea.  Part of me feels as though this is the consequence for the other person's choices.  I don't desire to rebuild the relationship I just don't know what is the "right" way to act around the person.  I think about Jacob and Esau and their relationship.  After Jacob stole/deceived his brother he feared for his life and moved far away.  Later in life when the two crossed paths it was brief but they never rebuilt the relationship.  God did not require Esau to "kiss and make-up".  Anyway, this is tough stuff.  More than anything I want to be pleasing to God and have no idea what that is.  What do you think?  Don't give me any fluff answers either. ;)

Prayer: A Personal Communion with God

These thoughts have been tumbling around in my head for quite some time and right now instead of paying bills and doing taxes I thought here's a "good" excuse not to do those chores just yet .  


These are only my personal opinions on prayers.  For years when others were sick, lost jobs, marriages that were in trouble I would often pray for the obvious solutions.  Sick should be well, jobs replaced, marriages healed you get the idea.  To me the solutions were obvious and simple.  When the prayers didn't seemed to be "answered" the way I thought were obvious I then thought "I" didn't pray enough or correctly or I must not have enough faith when I prayed or *gasp* I had unrepented sin in my life.  Over the years my prayer life has changed and the way I approach prayer and what it really is to me has changed as well.  My personal journey has caused me to question, search and struggle, and struggle well with God and myself to be at the place I am now.  When I heard the words "cancer" and "it's not curable" I was forced to reconcile these doubts and my relationship with a living God in order to survive, which would eventually turn into thriving.  Many of my friends and family immediately "prayed" for my healing.  For some reason I was uncomfortable with this, maybe because if I didn't ask for this then I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't happen.  To this day I haven't asked God to heal me.  I have asked God to take it all away and maybe those words are still the same as being healed, I don't know.  I have cried out to God in anger, in emotional pain, in fear in desperation.  I have felt it all.  Each time I would cry to Him, He would open my mind and eyes to what I was really afraid of.  At first I was afraid to die, to be separated from my family.  I didn't want to go to heaven "alone".  Then time would pass and I would have another melt down and a new fear would arise, like I didn't trust God to take care of my boys if I couldn't finish raising them.  God would gently show me that He loved them more than I ever could and He would take care of them.  Right now the only pain or fear I have is the weight of what their grief will be like if God calls me home sooner than later.  Processing these emotions with God has been an evolving roller coaster.  I have no idea why God allowed me to have cancer.  I do know that he thought I was able to handle it because his word says he will never give me more than I can handle.  I know that I have changed spiritually in so many ways that otherwise I doubt anything else would have moved my "self-centered" butt to deal with the fears I've had.  I have seen my husband and sons struggle with God on this same journey and they each have grown closer to Him too.  Here is a quote from Joni Erickson Tada that I just love:

It's Ephesians 3:10. Now listen to this. This is so key. This is so critical. It says there that,

[God's] intent is now, through the church [that's you and me, through us], the manifold wisdom of God is made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms.

Okay, let me paraphrase it. Because it says there that God wants to use our lives—your life and mine—as black boards upon which He chalks marvelous lessons about Himself for the benefit of millions and millions of unseen beings. Angels, even demons, are intensely interested in the way I respond to my afflictions because it teaches them something about God.

These are words that I live by now.  How amazing that God allowed something bad to happen to my life in order to show "unseen beings" something glorious about God!  What a privilege to be used by my creator in this way.  This is what it's all about for me.  I may not live a long life but my life will be one that brings glory to God in ways I don't see right now.  When I pray about the cancer or sickness or someone marriage, job whatever I ask that God gives them strength and courage.  I have no idea what His plans are, how a difficult situation can bring others to know Jesus but, I do know that "I" don't know.  If you look for the good in the hard things you will DEFINITElY find it.  It there!!  It's always been there, I just had to change my perspective on it.  My life isn't about me, that sounds stupid but it's true.  My life is about God and others.  I'm not afraid of what my future holds here or in heaven.  I'm convinced that God will take care of those I leave behind and that heaven is a ROCKIN' place and I'm excited to go one day now or later.  For me prayer is not about requesting things from God but about my time with Him.  One of the definitions of prayer is:  a personal communion with God.  I love that, it's not about my words, my faith, my attendance it's about just being with Him and talking with Him.  He's amazing!!  Well that's all I have!  I pray that you can know the true love He has for you and your life is a sweet aroma to Him!

3rd Round of Chemo

Hey!

My day was productive getting things done and ready before my next round of chemo.  When this journey began it was difficult to think about anything other than the cancer.  It has now been 7 years of living with cancer and I'm just now learning how to actually "live" even though I have cancer.  It has been a battle and not a physical one, but a battle with my mind.  I am happy to say that somewhere along the way I have been able to overcome the doubts and fears that can slowly creep in and steal away my peace.  I'm not sure when it happened, I think it was just a slow progression of taking each thought captive.  Those thoughts still try and creep in on me when I'm not feeling well, but I remember that God is so much larger and loves me more than I really understand.  Our life on this planet is so, so short and my home is in heaven with the King of Kings.  I love that I am a daughter of THE KING, how amazing is that.  Every detail of my life is known by Him and when my heart is heavy so is His.  I am His.  I am "full" right now and I have no idea why.  God is definitely filling me with more of Him!  
Tomorrow I will make my next video and let you all know how it's going.  Pray that I can be a light while I'm there and God will use me to make a difference for His Kingdom.  Love on someone this week!!

Chemo stuff

I thought I might post some of what is going on physically during the chemo treatment so that others starting chemo may find it helpful, or not.  Before chemo even started I had been extremely fatigued with little to no energy, no appetite and weight loss.  It almost felt like when you start to get the flu bug.  Chemo began right after Christmas of 2010.  My chemo regimen is R-CHOP X 8 every 3 weeks.  The first round took about 7 hours from start to finish.  Each drug is given individually until finished then the next.  I take the P or Prednisone by mouth at home for 5 days.  Rituxan takes the longest to finish and is my first drug I'm given.  I'm also given benadryl through my port that is equivalent to 2 pills at home.  I usually fall asleep pretty quickly and sleep only and hour or 2.  During treatments I can watch TV, read, play games or whatever and last time Clay went out and brought my lunch back.  The nurses watch me very closely, taking my vitals every 1-2 hours.  The first time I had Rituxan I started to have a frog in my throat type of feeling and my scalp began to itch, so they stopped it and gave me a steroid, which cleared those side effects right up, and began the Rituxan once again.  The 2nd round I didn't have any problems at all with it.  After all of the drugs are given I'm free to leave, which felt kind of strange thinking okay now you can leave with all of those toxins running through my body.  The day of treatments I'm usually just tired from all of the activity.  The side effects don't seem to begin until about 5-6 days after treatment, well vomiting anyway and only lasts about 1-2 days.  Being sick from chemo is not the same as the flu.  I just don't hold food down very well but continue to eat and have an appetite.  A few day after the first treatment my fingertips became numb and still are, I've gotten used to it.  My hair didn't start to come out until 2 weeks after the first treatment.  I decided to shave my head instead of waiting to see how much would fall out. Have a shaved head made my head tender and it took a couple of weeks to toughen up. After the 2nd treatment the short nubs began to fall out and it was a little itchy.  I'm still getting used to being bald and I'm hoping my eyelashes and eye brows stay in place, we'll see.  Also after the first treatment I became extremely emotional and seemed like I was crying ALL the time, not fun.  The nurse called in Ativan which really helped but, has a side effect of nausea, so I take it when absolutely necessary.  They have also put me on Compazine for nausea when I need it.  Another thing I have noticed is my thought process is a little slower right now and many refer to it as "chemo brain".  I'm sure it will improve once I'm finished.  My 2nd treatment didn't not keep me down as long as the 1st one did. I am getting about 2 weeks of decent days to function.  I still really struggle with fatigue and don't do very much at all.  I am thankful for an amazing husband who takes such wonderful care of me and puts up with a lot!!  I think it's more draining for him some days than it is for me.  Chemo is so much harder than I ever really knew, but it's doable.  I am hoping each treatment gets easier and easier.  I hope this is helpful to anyone that may just be curious or has cancer.  I will periodically continue to post as things  come up or change.  Enjoy the day, it's all we have!!