Unsure Why?

All afternoon I have been in a stupor. I am really blessed to work with some amazing people in ministry, and we had a great time talking about things that are hard to wrap my mind around. Talking about what end times may or may not look like and just throwing out our random thoughts about God and heaven. It left me thinking and wondering. The topic of death, and the fear of dying, came up in conversation and why many of us, me included fear dying. Somehow I thought I was past this, with the assurance of heaven, why am I so afraid? Five years ago, I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, an incurable cancer. I am confident of God's healing power, and pray that it is God's will for my life, but I also understand that his plans are so much better than what I can imagine. He may have other plans, plans I wouldn't understand, even if he sent an email to me with a day by day itinerary I would still question Him. There are things good and bad that don't only affect me, but also people around me and people I may not even know. Well anyway, I realized I am afraid to die. I don't want to leave my family, and I think even more, I am unsure of what I will experience in the coming, live forever with God, life. The small amount of God I experience in my day to day to day life is not enough to go to. How crazy is that! How little my faith must really be to feel this way. I don't want to stop searching, craving and needing God and teaching my boys about Him and His great love for them. I am just unsure, I really don't even know of what exactly. I think I am still unsure of how much he really loves me. I know Jesus loves me and crazy as it may sound, God must love me differently than Jesus. I think I have totally separated them in order to cope with my pain. Now I do know what scripture says, they are one in the same...I know, I know. It has been easier to be angry with God and not Jesus for the pain I have felt. I know I am rambling and totally random, but I just wanted to get this out. Maybe I can read it over a few times and there will be some clarity.

New School Year

Well, we started school this week. I am still in shock that this will be Zach's last year doing school at home. It is so hard to believe that he will be graduating! Where did the time go. He is planning to live at home and attend Herron School of Art at IUPUI next fall. He is so creative and smart. He is just amazing and I am so proud of him, can you tell? I am glad he isn't leaving, but you never know what God will lead him to do. Right now, God is leading him in some new areas. Zach is a little unsure of the direction he is going, but it is all about the journey. I am so blessed to have been chosen to the mother of three, beautiful boys, or should I say young men. I pray that our year will be productive as well as character building. God must fill in, because on my own, there is no way I could do this. Learning with the boys has definitely been amazing and crazy all wrapped in one. I am lucky to be at home with them. My husband, Clay, works so hard and takes such good care of us. I just love my family!! Thank you God for giving so much more than I deserve!