Eve of Thanksgiving!

All is quiet in the house, Clay is asleep on the couch, Matt is tucked in bed and Zach and Taylor are at the movies watching Bolt with Jessie. My cooking is finished for tomorrow, the dogs are sleeping at my feet and Flicka is playing on TV. The last couple of days I have felt a little somber, with each passing holiday, I know that my time with my boys will be gone. I will wake up one day and my house will be still and quiet and my children will have flown from my nest and built nests of their own. Each year puts me a little closer to this realization and is saddens me. I wish I could freeze time and we would always be together, loving, laughing, fighting and just being together. I hate change, even though it is inevitable. This holiday season I want to just be content in today, enjoy the time we are together and not put pressure on myself or others to fulfill some "perfect" holiday agenda I have. Tonight as I sit alone, I feel so loved and blessed. My house isn't perfectly cleaned, all of the laundry isn't finished, there are dirty dishes in the sink, but I am content and okay with the chaos. Maybe if I can live with the chaos in my house, I can learn to live with it in life in general. Just maybe!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Barry Manilow

Now don't roll your eyes, Barry Manilow is one of my all time favorites. I have been to see him in concert once and loved it. I'm sure Clay would have another opinion. There is something about music that touches the deepest part of my soul, I am touched like nothing else on this earth. I think music allows me to feel, I can feel whatever emotion is provoked from the melody and the lyrics and music doesn't judge me but encourages those feelings. There is something so freeing and transforming about music, so addicting. I could easily escape into another life by listening to song after song. Maybe I am the only one who feels this draw, this mysterious connection that seems so familiar. I am not sure how long I could live without music. As soon as I awake, I am drawn to turn on my mp3 player. There is a connection to the singer, the melody and to God in each song I hear. I hear the longings and feelings of the one singing, I connect. I long to stay connected, no questions, no shame, no disapproving looks, just music...beautiful music.

Alone...

Today is crummy for me! I am having cat scans done today, checking to see how far my cancer has progressed. I won't find out my results until next week when I see my oncologist. For the past couple of weeks, I have been hard to live with. I am easily angered and bothered by the smallest things. I feel as though my life is totally out of control, and I like to be in control. On top of all of this, I am really feeling alone. This journey is not one I want to take alone, but I find that my family is on their own journey. I want so much for someone to share my fear, pain and sorrow and at times my anger. I feel myself shutting down my emotions just so I will survive. I am at a loss for words, just pray for me!