My Heart on My Sleeve

I have been reading Allure of Hope by Jan Meyers and God is really challenging me in areas that I know I don't want to explore, yet I know that I must in order to heal and grow. I have been reading this book for the last couple of months, when I should have finished it in a week. It is the kind of book that touches the heart and reveals my longings in ways that I love, but hate. I think I have just taken so much time in reading it because it speaks truth to me, a truth that is painful and beautiful at the same time. It is almost like eating creme brulee, it is delicious and rich, but I can only eat one serving at a time. Unlike brownies which I could devour a whole pan and still want more. Anyway, as I think about what God is calling me to and what am I keeping from him?? As I sat in church a couple of weeks ago, I was looking around the auditorium at the many different people, my heart was so burdened for each of them. How alone we all really are in our own lives. We come together to church wanting to be seen, heard, loved and pursued, but we are all as scared as hell to really, REALLY be seen (myself included). God has so much more for us, for me. I want to stand up in church and scream YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I want to be the face of Christ to others and start the wildfire of transformation. I know that there is more, I want to take the risk and help others to "see" their own walls of protection. It is a hard job to tear down those walls and leave them on the ground. I am not equipped to do what God is stirring within me to do, but I know he will make a way. I long for others to join me at my church, I want to be able to share myself in a meaningful, complete way, with my faults, shortcomings, bossiness, want to know why self, not afraid to stand up for my feelings when I am hurt type of relationships. Not the shallow, you are wearing your heart on your sleeve, ashamed to be near you because you might stir something in me relationships. I am not satisfied with crumbs, I want the complete full life that Jesus says I or we can have. I want that!!! As the next few weeks pass I pray that God will show me where I need to continue to risk and open my heart to him. I need to see where I am hiding my idols of security, since they aren't working anymore, why keep them? I want to wear my heart on my sleeve and be okay with it!!

Living is hard

It's been awhile, sometimes I want to blog, but then I find myself guarded in what I might say and then it just feels like it's not worth it. Anyway, today I'm just really tired. I'm physically and mentally tired. Life is going by and I have much to do, but I really just want to crawl back into bed and sleep. I don't want to think or feel today. I want to run back into my hiding place and have an "easy" day. Living life to the full can be difficult. Giving my whole self to those around me is getting easier, but it still doesn't come naturally. Will it ever?? I'm not sure. Tomorrow will be better, I hope.