Thoughts

As we were traveling the 34+ hours to and from Florida, I was able to enjoy the view out of my window and think, think about everything that we passed by.  I am feeling conviction about my thoughts.  I really have never thought much about my silent thoughts and how it affects me or those around me.  I am very good at holding my tongue only to let my mind silently scream some sarcasm or even wait until I'm alone with my husband and unload what I really wanted to say about a certain situation.  I find that at times it is very difficult to just be still and silent.  I'm not comfortable with the silence in my mind.  I like to be "witty" and "clever" in how I think.  I find that I have an opinion about EVERYTHING, things that don't matter at all.  I have appointed myself the "Socially Acceptable Behavioral Police"  also known as SABP.  If you need to mow your yard, I could be the one to give you a friendly reminder or if you leave your trash cans at the curb after the trash man has emptied them, then another reminder may come your way.  I just think this stupid stuff.  I may make comments to my husband or just in my head, because I am in control over my tongue and am a good christian girl.  I would never say these things to those I'm speaking about, and I probably don't even know.  There are people that I have to see regularly and I can be kind and polite, but inside my mind I'm thinking thoughts that should get my mouth washed out.  So, now that God is bringing this problem to my attention and I'm actually listening, I am taking one day at a time and working on not being sarcastic to myself or to anyone else.  When I'm tempted to think something negative about someone for their behavior or for whatever reason, I'm gently reminded to take that thought captive and remember that I'm accountable to God.  I want to be a blessing to those around me in deed and in my thoughts.  So the last couple of days have been rather interesting.  I'm amazed on what a smart *** I really am.  This is not good.  Maybe when my mind isn't so cluttered with this nonsense God will be able to use it to his glory!

Stirring

We are home from our trip to Florida. It was so nice to get away and enjoy each other! We slept in, watched movies, played outside, ate, went site seeing and basically just relaxed with no agenda. What a blessing it was for us to get a break from our very busy life. I was able to finish a book called The Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore.  It was an incredible true story that I can't stop thinking about.  My heart is being tugged and pulled to make some changes about how I think and act.  I want my life to be what God meant for it to be.  God is definitely getting my attention and how I can make a difference.  I'm feeling called to help the poor, especially children.  I have soooo much and I need to use it to reach those in need.  I need to stop thinking about the next thing I can buy or do that will entertain me and think about how can I use this money, that God gives me, to help those who have nothing.  Why is it that those who have nothing are willing to give the most.  Why do I think twice about giving my time and money away when in reality I won't go without.  I never go without, EVER.  I eat what I want when I want, I go where I want and do what I want.  I am rich beyond imagination.  When I turn on the television it caters to my rich life style, tempting me to want more, buy more and convince me that I deserve more.  REALLY???  I have been so blind, so ignorant to why God has blessed me with wealth.  This has to change!  I want and need to change.  I need God to forgive my selfishness, my sickness that "it is all about me".  I am excited to see what comes next.
There is a stirring within my soul that will no longer be satisfied with what this world offers.  I am aware now, my eyes are open, my heart is aching for others.  I want to love, I long to love others where they are, no questions just love, love, love.  Please continue to stir my heart and soul!

Vanity

Lately for some reason I have been thinking about my own vanity and how it affects others or does it.  A lot of women, not all, obsess over the appearance of not only themselves, but also the appearances of others.  I have at times, more than I like to admit, become vain and judgmental of others.  Growing up I don't remember being this way at all!  My family didn't talk about things like that.  We had clean clothes and bathed regularly but,  I was never made to feel bad about how I looked or dressed.  Well, there were times at school that I knew I didn't own the most up-to-date wardrobe but, I didn't care.  I realized we didn't have the extra money to buy expensive clothes.  That was the normal for me.  Looking back over my adult years I see that the people I had relationships with began to teach me how to be vain and how to look at others and judge their appearance.  It doesn't take much training to be a graduate into the School of Vanity with high honors.  I became very good at judging others and their appearance and what it "really" must say about a person.  How sad is that!  Who do I think I am?!

Anyway, this has me thinking about how my own appearance draws people in or pushes them away.  How effective am I at helping others depending on what I'm wearing??  Do those who see me wearing really nice clothes all matching with accessories feel that I am approachable?  This may sound crazy but, it's true.  The other day I went to a bank that was in an area of town known for money.   As I am standing in line I can feel the piercing eyes of those around me looking at my attire.  I am wearing jeans, that are a little big for me,  and a jacket that I keep forgetting to throw into the washing machine.  I stand thinking, don't make eye contact.  I am wishing the teller would hurry so that I can leave this place.  I guarantee that I won't make the mistake and choose to enter this bank again.  I realize that part of this shame I feel is my own insecurity with who I am.  I know if I had been standing in line with my Mom or Grams I would have felt no shame. 

This bring me to now and how does this affect my personal ministry.  Do those I want to help feel as though I am judging them?  Does my appearance say, "I love and want to serve you." or does it say, "I am better than you and I will make you feel ashamed of who you are?"  This is a huge concern for me lately.  I don't want to be the latter person.  Truly, I am the person who is most comfortable wearing jeans, sweats and a t shirt or sweat shirt every single day.  It's nice to get dressed up every once in awhile, but I know that when I do it makes me feel differently inside.  I am transformed into someone different than who I truly am.  Clothes don't make a person unless you're a graduate of the School of Vanity then it is difficult to overcome my training.  This is where I am today.  Maybe I should donate all of the clothes that transform me into someone less than a child of God.  Think about it!