Wow, so much has happened and I'm not sure where to start. This morning I awoke at 5 a.m. The steroids I am taking cause me to sleep less, but they fight with the chemo drugs that zap my energy. So, I lie in bed with my mind stirring wondering what to do with myself. Even the dogs know it is too early to be up. I start thinking about a friend and say a prayer for her recovery. I am thankful to God for another day to be here with my family. I am thankful for Clay lying next to me, curled up under our super soft blanket, breathing and sleeping peacefully. His presence next to me brings such comfort to me. I am glad that he is able to rest and not worry about what the day will hold for us. I finally make it to the living room around 6 a.m. All is still peaceful in the house. Each day is totally unpredictable on how I will feel and how the medicine will work on my body. Each day is taken moment by moment, every small step of doing something on my own is a victory for me, for our family. I have relinquished complete control over myself to God and those around me. NOT an easy task. I am more comfortable with it now even though it can be difficult. It is a privilege to know that God allowed cancer to come into our lives so that we could be pruned to be more like him. That may sound crazy, but I truly believe it. To say it has been easy would be a lie. When I became very sick right before December, it was like a nightmare. There were no answers, no plan and a lot of waiting. I was in a lot of pain and Clay was beside himself unable to "fix" it. In God's timing and Clay's persistent phone calls, our doctors started pushing things along and were able to put together a plan of action after seeing that the cancer had become aggressive. We were finally going to begin chemo and we were ready or at least I thought I was. Chemo is a mean, mean thing. My first treatment took about 7 hours. Each drug that is pumped into my port is carefully watched to see how my body will react to it. I am given about 6 different meds through my IV plus at home I take about 6 pills in the morning and 6 pills at night. Chemo isn't for sissies. They should have told me this ahead of time, 'cause I'm a huge sissy, really I am. I just put on like I'm not 'cause that's how I was raised. Now I can't pretend anymore, the facade is up. The first few days after my first round of chemo, I cried constantly. Partly due to the steroids and partly because of the new situation I now was in. I was no longer strong, dependent and in control. I now needed help just to get dressed. I cried out to God and he heard me, gathered my tears and let me rest in him. Ps. 56:8
I think about how my situation can always be so much worse and there are so many who are going through more than I can imagine. God is teaching me to be humble and less critical, he's rounding out some of my very sharp edges. I serve a God that only has my best interests in mind and a much larger plan that is perfect and beautiful when it is all finished. We each need to live our lives so that Jesus' sacrifice was not in vain!! I hope today you find something to be thankful for and love a little deeper! Look around you to those who may just need a smile! Love on each other! Love is all we have!
