Looking Back, One Year Anniversary!

Today is the anniversary of my first chemo treatment.  I'm very grateful for what God has done in me physically, allowing my life to continue here.  I'm also aware of those who continue to fight cancer, and those who have gone on to be with our creator.  There were many days during my treatments that I didn't want to fight anymore, I was tired of being sick and unable to do anything on my own.  There were days where walking to the bathroom on my own was a huge accomplishment.  Bathing myself, dressing and even eating were tasks that I could not do alone.  I became completely dependent on Clay and the boys.  There are things I don't fully remember about those days which is probably a blessing.  God was teaching me even then how tight my grip on "being in control" really was.  He was gently prying my fingers open one by one.  It was difficult and very painful for me to let go, to allow God to take over, I mean completely take over.  Even though I nor God caused this cancer, He did allow it.  He also allowed me to see the areas of my life that I kept from Him, the areas I didn't trust Him to have.  I'm still learning to give Him everything each day, but I've come so far since last year.  I'm not the same as I was physically, emotionally or spiritually, I doubt I ever will be.  I have to embrace my life I have today not forgetting where I've come from.  One year ago today my life took another path, one I really didn't plan on, but one that opened my eyes and my hands.  


I love this Cindy Morgan song and how she puts into words what my heart feels:

Saying the Wrong Thing

There are so many times that I find myself saying the wrong thing and not able to say what my heart is feeling.  Since chemo has finished and my response was wonderful many conversations  somehow always touch on this topic.  Yesterday was not any different.  A long time friend was saying how wonderful it is that God answered our prayers for healing.  I know what is meant by this type of statement, but for some reason it really bothers me.  I feel as though so many of us want to say, "praise God" when our prayers are answered the way "we" want them answered.  I know that's not what most people mean but, we shouldn't forget the world is watching.  We can't and shouldn't give praise to God only when things work out the way we had hoped.  I no longer ask God for the obvious solution, the obvious may not be what brings kingdom growth or what brings about a heart change in someone.  I have been so guilty of praying in a way that "I" thought was best, asking God to do what "I" had decided in my mind would be the solution.  "I" had become God and never gave a second thought to what weight my words really held.   My heart is now humbled in a way that I don't ask God to change our circumstances.  What blessings would we miss if we always got our way when difficulties came into our lives.  It's so hard to have a heart change when we live a trouble-free life.  The times in my own life that change has occurred have been through those trials.  I now see why God tells us to count it joy when we suffer trials.  Let's praise God for the trials and what we learn from those trials.  


Be content where you are today, thanking God for your life no matter what your circumstance are knowing He loves you more than you know!!

Taylor Swift - Never Grow Up - Music Video

The house is quiet except, for the Taylor Swift music playing. I enjoy having the entire house to myself to clean and think. The summer is going by so very quickly and so many changes seem to be happening all at once. Zach will be leaving for college next month, Taylor will be attending a public high school and getting his license next month and I'm not sure I'm ready for this phase of my life. My heart aches just writing this. My sons are growing into young men and will soon be leaving the nest. I know this is what I have prepared them for and when the time is right each one will leave one by one. I think it feels more like they will be leaving with a piece of my heart. When they were small I couldn't imagine how would I be able to say goodbye. I still don't know how. I know that fighting cancer was easier than preparing myself for what the next few years lie ahead. I'm probably just being dramatic today. There isn't anything in this life that compares to the love a mother has for her children. The only thing greater is the love God has for us. I will be eternally grateful for the chance to be Zach, Taylor and Matthew's mother. I'm feeling weepy tonight...

Here's a beautiful song to express what I so often feel.

Rescue

Last week my dogs were barking at a fawn that was out by the road and mailboxes.  It's mother must have jumped the fence but the baby was too small to make it over.  I walked out to the small, little thing but it kept running down the fence row towards my neighbors house, who have shepherds.  I was afraid the dogs would kill it if it was not rescued.  After a few minutes of trying to catch it, I asked God to help me, help the deer and as soon as I did the fawn laid down in the tall grass.  I was able to reach down and just pick it up. It began to bleat and look towards the woods for it's mother.  The boys and I put it in the van and drove down the road a little (away from the dogs) and let it go in the woods.  It was a sweet experience from God, or at least I think so.  Here are a few pictures Matt took of me holding it.

Love

I remember a friend once telling me that his wife wasn't a "touchy feelly" (I know that's not a word) person, she just wasn't made that way.  I think a lot of people really believe that some of us weren't made to "show" affection.  That is just crazy!  How can we all be made in the image of God and not show love and affection toward others.  So many of us believe that lie satan keeps whispering into our ears, "It's okay, you're just not into being touchy, feelly with others, God just made you different!"  I know that deep down every single person on the planet really wants to be loved and to show love.  Somewhere on the journey something happened to cause us to change from who God created us to be.  Abuse of some sort entered our lives and challenged our knowledge of our own worth and right to be loved.  We made an agreement to self protect and not to be hurt again, changing the way we interact with others.  Keeping people at a distance is safe and predictable.  I know this because I've been there.  Sometimes reaching out to others is risky. Will they respond kindly to the love I offer?  Will they be cold and unresponsive towards me, confirming that I'm not worth loving?  These are the questions that I sometimes hear whispered in my own ear.  Over the past few years, I have taken those risks and yes, sometimes it didn't work out how I had hoped.  The important thing  is that it doesn't stifle me from taking those steps forward and waiting to try again another day.  Offering love to someone and not having it returned the way I thought it should doesn't mean I'm unlovable or there is something wrong with me.  It means the other person just isn't ready yet.  We are ALL made in His image, made to love and to be loved, made to be show affection and to receive affection.  Think about it and how can you take a step towards being all that you were created to be.  Be honest with those closest to you, YOU MATTER.  How you feel matters!  Don't be silent be alive!!


Cindy~

SUPER Easy Pulled Pork Sandwiches!

I have a wonderful recipe for you and it's so, so easy!!  I am working on learning a new camera and need an external card reader, until then just imagine what it might look like!!


1 pork roast with bone in or whatever cut you like
Liquid Smoke (found in aisle with bbq and soy sauce)
BBQ Sauce of your choosing
Buns


Place whole pork in crock pot, cover with lid and cook on high
for 5-7 hours or slow for 8-9 hours.  Do not season or put anything
else in with it.  There is a lot of moisture from the fat in the pork and it will turn out wonderfully!!


When pork is finished it will just fall apart, now shred it in a cake dish or whatever dish you like.  Sprinkle pork with liquid smoke and taste.  Add as much or as little  liquid smoke as you like.  It's sooooo YUMMY!   If you don't want to use the liquid smoke then yo don't have to.  Now top on buns with your favorite bbq sauce and ENJOY!  You will thank me later.

Summer

I think summer has officially started!  I finished my last chemo treatment last week and I'm still recovering.  Oddly enough, I felt a little melancholy about the last one.  I'm not sure why, maybe because for the last 5 months my life has revolved around doctors, appointments, scans, medications, nurses and entire days sitting in a chair while cancer fighting drugs slowly dripped into my veins.  That was my "new normal" daily life.  Now, things will once again change and for the better.  My thought process is still slow, my body doesn't want to go for very long but it will recover over time.  


The boys are out of school but will be doing summer school to catch-up on a couple of subjects.  Not too much though.  Zach will be taking a summer class too.   Taylor will be getting his license soon.  Summer camp is right around the corner.   If I'm not careful I will blink and summer will be over.  Clay is busy right now with work and life is good.  


I'm just about finished reading a book called:  Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo.  It's a true story about his son.  That's all I'm saying!  I highly recommend it!  


Have a great week, enjoy the sunshine and be kind to someone today!!

Birthday Week part 2

Birthday Week 2011

2011

New Style

7th Round of Chemo

Pet Scan

Getting ready to go have my PET scan done.  I will be injected with something that makes me glow in the dark, just kidding.  I will be injected then wait 30 minutes and then the scan.  It's similar to a cat scan but takes about 1 hour or longer.  I have to remain still on the table so the films aren't blurry.  The staying still part is a little difficult and boring.  Hoping for good news!  I won't find out the results until later next week.  I will also have a cat scan on Friday.  If the cancer is still responding to the chemo then I will finish my last 2 treatments.  If the cancer has not changed since the last scan then we will have to try something else, probably some type of stem cell transplant.  Here's to hoping God's plans are to finish the chemo and be in remission!  Whatever the outcome God is good all of the time!  

Jesus is EVERYWHERE!

My husband has been the youth minister at our church for the past 7 years.  Working with youth can be hard work.  Over the years I've noticed a trend take place that saddens me.  A lot of our youth come to church without their parents.  These youth are the kids that need a place to "fit" in a place to feel loved and accepted even though they aren't athletes or in the band or even accomplished academics.  What saddens me is the kids from our own church (not all of them) usually won't participate in our youth group.  The kids from our church that come from "stable" family homes won't come to our youth group.  This makes my heart hurt.  The kids that need encouragement could really use other teens to look up to.


I know it's hard to be around others that don't look like us, don't make the same choices as we do, don't value the same things we do but they need us, we need each other!  For crying out loud God sent Jesus from Heaven to earth to be with us.  Now there could not be any other place more polar opposite than that (except hell, which Jesus did go there too).
Jesus came here and fell in love with us.  Did you hear me, He left the most awesome place ever to come be with me and you and fell head over heals in love with us!!  Jesus loves us, He loves me! (Personally, I think he loves me the most! ;)  In my own experience my life is fuller when I'm with those that aren't like me at all.  Those who are hurting and lost bless me the most!  Remember what we do for the least of these is the same as doing it for Jesus.  Look around you today, Jesus is everywhere waiting for you to do something, anything!!  Jesus may be your cashier at Walmart, your server at McDonalds or the new kid in the youth group.  What will you do when you see Him??

Happy Easter!

When you spend a lot of time confined to a bed, not able to do very much physically, you start to notice the smaller things around you.  Even though the weather is cool I LOVE to sleep with the window cracked.  At night the only noise that can be heard might be a dog barking in the distance, or crickets in the night and occasionally a tree frog by the pond.  What is so cool is that the birds are all asleep and nestled in their nests for the night but as soon as first light starts to appear the singing begins.  I love the songs they each sing.  I wonder if they are singing praises to God and we don't even know it.  Wouldn't that be so cool!  


There are times in each of our lives that God allows us to be limited in some ways maybe that is physically, financially or even emotionally we feel bankrupt or completely at the bottom.  The great thing about this is what God does to compensate for those times.  He heightens other areas of our lives that need a tweak.  I think it's kind of similar to being blind, the other senses are more aware.  Don't be sad or angry for what you don't have right now, look around you at what you do have.  You will be amazed at the beauty and abundance of life that is around you.  God will take care of you, He will.  You must believe that He will.

This morning is Easter it's dark and wet outside but I still hear the birds singing beautifully even in the rain!  Thank you God for their  songs!!

What A Year

It has been one hell of a  joyful year!  Today is the one year anniversary of my knee surgery, which seems like the beginning of a tragic movie that would never end.  Let me recap what went on last year.  I'll try to keep it short and sweet.  I was having INCREDIBLE knee pain that had been going on for a few years with no help from an ortho doc. (Once he knew I had cancer, he told me to go back to my oncologist.)  Anyway, one day the pain was so bad I drove myself to the ER and was given a cortizone shot, wonderful stuff, and referred to a new ortho guy, who eventually did surgery on my and found cartiladge torn and floating around in my knee area.  Yeah, a solution.  The recovery was slow and painful.  I would undergo physical therapy for about 1 month.  The original pain was gone but still a lot of leg pain.  Then, on May 22, Clay had a heart attack.  I watched my best friend, lie helplessly on a gurney in the ER start to slowly fade.  He was rushed from one hospital to another in order to safe his life, and that they did.  He had a stint put in and was home in a couple of days.  God was still good, no matter what would happen.  The pain in my leg began to increase over the summer and into the fall months.  Ibprofen was my new best buddy!  Right after Thanksgiving I became very sick no energy, pain, no appetite, fevers.  I was on the couch most of December.  The oncologist ran some extra tests and found that my cancer had transformed into an aggressive type and was in both of my femurs.  There was a tumor growing out of one femur into the soft tissue, basically eating away the bone.  Well, that explains all of the pain.  During the month of December my step mom was also having a "routine" surgery and with complications and a second surgery she passed away.  She was only 51.  All of this happened while Clay and I were at another hospital having my tests done.  My condition was serious and had to be addressed quickly.  I couldn't be with my family during her death, which was very difficult!  I still remember the call from my aunt as we were on our way to have the MRI done.  I had to lie still on the table for the test, in unbelievable bone pain and sobbing.  After tests to confirm the type of cancer, I began chemo on Dec. 30th.  The holidays were not easy, since I couldn't do the cooking or shopping.  After the first round of chemo I became extremely sick, sick for almost the entire month of January.  With each chemo treatment it has gotten easier. I'm now not sick with my stomach, only weak and move slowly for about 10 days after treatment, then I begin to feel normal.  During the end of January our beagle of 14 years suddenly became sick and we had to put her down.  Our friend came to the house and did it for us in the living room.  It was hard to say goodbye to our loyal and faithful friend, Lilly!  Clay and the 2 older boys dug her grave in the snow and buried her under her favorite tree.  I look back now over the past year and am so grateful for God's grace over our family.  I had just read this week in the book of James, to count it all joy when you go through various trials, because these will strengthen my faith.  (my paraphrase)  I've read this hundreds of times but, now I "see" what is says!  My faith in who God is has not changed over the year, but my grip of his hand as grown tighter.  No matter what today brings, God loves me and gave his ONLY son for me!!  I may not understand his plans or how my life can affect his kingdom, but I do understand that he loves me no matter what!! 


I'm hoping that today will mark the beginning of a quiet year!  I need a rest!!  Hang in there if your year has been as crazy as mine!!
 

Grass!!

This makes my heart full!  The sound of the mower, the

smell of the fresh cut grass blowing in the breeze.

I love the simple things in my life that bring

about a peace and joy that I cannot explain. 

Work is good, taking care of what God has

given us is good!  I sure hope He lets me

mow grass in heaven!!

Thank you God for grass and the wonderful scent

it gives when it's cut!  You amaze me!!

Taco Soup in the crock-pot

I have a delicious and super simple Taco Soup recipe for the crock-pot.  I didn't take any pictures so just use your imaginations.  Plus my boys really liked this too.


1 lb chicken breast
2 cans sweet corn
2 can kidney beans
2 cans black beans
3-4 cans mexican tomatoes with green chili's
1 packet of fajita seasoning mix or just taco seasoning
1 can tomato puree or tomato sauce
water
salt and pepper

Okay now just open cans and dump everything in your crock-pot, add the raw chicken and stir.  I eyeball the mixture and if it is a little thick I add a little water.  Add the packet too.  Now cook on low for 8 hours or high for 4 hours.  Take chicken out and shred then add back to the mixture.  Presto, delicious soup!  If you don't like it spicy then add just cut-up tomatoes without the green chili's. We add cheese and sour cream to our bowls and dip tortilla chips in the soup.  Enjoy!

BFF

Tonight I noticed my desk calendar is still on November 18th, the date that I last changed it.  It must have been right before I started to get really sick and found out the cancer was growing and with a vengeance.  It's hard to believe that it's been that long since my life was "normal".    


That's really not what is on my mind tonight.  I've been thinking about friendships and how lonely life can be.  I spend time reading other blogs, devotions written by women and stalking Facebook only to find myself longing for "real life" friendships.  Over the years I've had a few women I considered my bffs but, things happened and those women are gone along with a small piece of my heart.  Now, I'm guarded with my heart and my feelings.  I see so many women who appear to have tight relationships with other women and I long for that.  I long for friends that I can call up to go shopping or just bum around with.  I have a lot of women I know but none that I'm close to.  I think that if they knew the deepest parts of me it would be too much, somehow I wouldn't be enough.  I know I'm not alone in this and that's why I'm writing about it.  There are many of us out there who long for close relationships with other women.  The older I get the harder it seems to be.  So, I'm gonna do what I tell everyone to do and pray that God will bring me a bff (besides Clay).  He knows my heart and knows exactly what I need.  If you are feeling lonely too leave me a comment and I will pray for you too.  We aren't alone we just have to find one another.

Preparing

Today I find myself getting things ready around the house for tomorrow is my forth chemo treatment.  I'm finishing up the laundry, sweeping the floors, making sure we have the groceries we may need, paying any bills that need to go out doing the things I would normally do next week.  I am preparing for the "sickness" that comes after a treatment.  It is strange to schedule my life around sickness.  As I sit to take a break, I think about preparing to meet God and how much time do I put into preparing for that event.  What does that even really mean?  One day we will all meet Him and will we be ready?  Have I been honest about my heart, about my hidden sin?  Have I offered forgiveness and mercy as He does?  Do I spend enough time or any time at all preparing for Him?  Have I taught my sons enough about Him so that they will live Godly lives?  What does He see when He looks my way?  I have no answers only more questions.  There are days that He calls me to His word but many times I push it aside to do something else thinking I will later, but later never comes.  What am I missing when I ignore Him?  Scary, huh?  I need to search my heart and see what He sees or do I really?  Am I ready to give it all to Him, again?  It's not a one time thing but a daily one.  Those I thought I had forgiven have need of more forgiveness, again.  See a pattern here?  Crap!  (I know that's not a very nice word.)  Okay, well I have some things I need to wrestle with God about and I'm sure He will pin me down, not fun.  Now I see why sometimes I push Him aside, because being pinned down is difficult and it means I have to change something in my life.  Change is hard!  Here's to giving up control, once again.

Tough Relationships

I am in need of advise.  I have been struggling with relationships to be more exact, relationships that have been severed.  Over the years I've had a handful of relationships with people that have ended because of distrust or just plain meanness.  The problem for me is I don't know how to be authentic around these people.  How do I act around someone who I really don't like at all.  It is a hard for me to "pretend" to be nice to people I don't like being around.  It feels fake to me to put on a "nice" face and get along.  There are a few relationships where the other person has caused a great deal of pain for me and my family and has no remorse.  How can I be authentic and still be around a person like this??  This is my dilemma!  I continue to wonder how God wants me to behave and I still have no idea.  Part of me feels as though this is the consequence for the other person's choices.  I don't desire to rebuild the relationship I just don't know what is the "right" way to act around the person.  I think about Jacob and Esau and their relationship.  After Jacob stole/deceived his brother he feared for his life and moved far away.  Later in life when the two crossed paths it was brief but they never rebuilt the relationship.  God did not require Esau to "kiss and make-up".  Anyway, this is tough stuff.  More than anything I want to be pleasing to God and have no idea what that is.  What do you think?  Don't give me any fluff answers either. ;)

Prayer: A Personal Communion with God

These thoughts have been tumbling around in my head for quite some time and right now instead of paying bills and doing taxes I thought here's a "good" excuse not to do those chores just yet .  


These are only my personal opinions on prayers.  For years when others were sick, lost jobs, marriages that were in trouble I would often pray for the obvious solutions.  Sick should be well, jobs replaced, marriages healed you get the idea.  To me the solutions were obvious and simple.  When the prayers didn't seemed to be "answered" the way I thought were obvious I then thought "I" didn't pray enough or correctly or I must not have enough faith when I prayed or *gasp* I had unrepented sin in my life.  Over the years my prayer life has changed and the way I approach prayer and what it really is to me has changed as well.  My personal journey has caused me to question, search and struggle, and struggle well with God and myself to be at the place I am now.  When I heard the words "cancer" and "it's not curable" I was forced to reconcile these doubts and my relationship with a living God in order to survive, which would eventually turn into thriving.  Many of my friends and family immediately "prayed" for my healing.  For some reason I was uncomfortable with this, maybe because if I didn't ask for this then I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't happen.  To this day I haven't asked God to heal me.  I have asked God to take it all away and maybe those words are still the same as being healed, I don't know.  I have cried out to God in anger, in emotional pain, in fear in desperation.  I have felt it all.  Each time I would cry to Him, He would open my mind and eyes to what I was really afraid of.  At first I was afraid to die, to be separated from my family.  I didn't want to go to heaven "alone".  Then time would pass and I would have another melt down and a new fear would arise, like I didn't trust God to take care of my boys if I couldn't finish raising them.  God would gently show me that He loved them more than I ever could and He would take care of them.  Right now the only pain or fear I have is the weight of what their grief will be like if God calls me home sooner than later.  Processing these emotions with God has been an evolving roller coaster.  I have no idea why God allowed me to have cancer.  I do know that he thought I was able to handle it because his word says he will never give me more than I can handle.  I know that I have changed spiritually in so many ways that otherwise I doubt anything else would have moved my "self-centered" butt to deal with the fears I've had.  I have seen my husband and sons struggle with God on this same journey and they each have grown closer to Him too.  Here is a quote from Joni Erickson Tada that I just love:

It's Ephesians 3:10. Now listen to this. This is so key. This is so critical. It says there that,

[God's] intent is now, through the church [that's you and me, through us], the manifold wisdom of God is made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms.

Okay, let me paraphrase it. Because it says there that God wants to use our lives—your life and mine—as black boards upon which He chalks marvelous lessons about Himself for the benefit of millions and millions of unseen beings. Angels, even demons, are intensely interested in the way I respond to my afflictions because it teaches them something about God.

These are words that I live by now.  How amazing that God allowed something bad to happen to my life in order to show "unseen beings" something glorious about God!  What a privilege to be used by my creator in this way.  This is what it's all about for me.  I may not live a long life but my life will be one that brings glory to God in ways I don't see right now.  When I pray about the cancer or sickness or someone marriage, job whatever I ask that God gives them strength and courage.  I have no idea what His plans are, how a difficult situation can bring others to know Jesus but, I do know that "I" don't know.  If you look for the good in the hard things you will DEFINITElY find it.  It there!!  It's always been there, I just had to change my perspective on it.  My life isn't about me, that sounds stupid but it's true.  My life is about God and others.  I'm not afraid of what my future holds here or in heaven.  I'm convinced that God will take care of those I leave behind and that heaven is a ROCKIN' place and I'm excited to go one day now or later.  For me prayer is not about requesting things from God but about my time with Him.  One of the definitions of prayer is:  a personal communion with God.  I love that, it's not about my words, my faith, my attendance it's about just being with Him and talking with Him.  He's amazing!!  Well that's all I have!  I pray that you can know the true love He has for you and your life is a sweet aroma to Him!

3rd Round of Chemo

Hey!

My day was productive getting things done and ready before my next round of chemo.  When this journey began it was difficult to think about anything other than the cancer.  It has now been 7 years of living with cancer and I'm just now learning how to actually "live" even though I have cancer.  It has been a battle and not a physical one, but a battle with my mind.  I am happy to say that somewhere along the way I have been able to overcome the doubts and fears that can slowly creep in and steal away my peace.  I'm not sure when it happened, I think it was just a slow progression of taking each thought captive.  Those thoughts still try and creep in on me when I'm not feeling well, but I remember that God is so much larger and loves me more than I really understand.  Our life on this planet is so, so short and my home is in heaven with the King of Kings.  I love that I am a daughter of THE KING, how amazing is that.  Every detail of my life is known by Him and when my heart is heavy so is His.  I am His.  I am "full" right now and I have no idea why.  God is definitely filling me with more of Him!  
Tomorrow I will make my next video and let you all know how it's going.  Pray that I can be a light while I'm there and God will use me to make a difference for His Kingdom.  Love on someone this week!!

Chemo stuff

I thought I might post some of what is going on physically during the chemo treatment so that others starting chemo may find it helpful, or not.  Before chemo even started I had been extremely fatigued with little to no energy, no appetite and weight loss.  It almost felt like when you start to get the flu bug.  Chemo began right after Christmas of 2010.  My chemo regimen is R-CHOP X 8 every 3 weeks.  The first round took about 7 hours from start to finish.  Each drug is given individually until finished then the next.  I take the P or Prednisone by mouth at home for 5 days.  Rituxan takes the longest to finish and is my first drug I'm given.  I'm also given benadryl through my port that is equivalent to 2 pills at home.  I usually fall asleep pretty quickly and sleep only and hour or 2.  During treatments I can watch TV, read, play games or whatever and last time Clay went out and brought my lunch back.  The nurses watch me very closely, taking my vitals every 1-2 hours.  The first time I had Rituxan I started to have a frog in my throat type of feeling and my scalp began to itch, so they stopped it and gave me a steroid, which cleared those side effects right up, and began the Rituxan once again.  The 2nd round I didn't have any problems at all with it.  After all of the drugs are given I'm free to leave, which felt kind of strange thinking okay now you can leave with all of those toxins running through my body.  The day of treatments I'm usually just tired from all of the activity.  The side effects don't seem to begin until about 5-6 days after treatment, well vomiting anyway and only lasts about 1-2 days.  Being sick from chemo is not the same as the flu.  I just don't hold food down very well but continue to eat and have an appetite.  A few day after the first treatment my fingertips became numb and still are, I've gotten used to it.  My hair didn't start to come out until 2 weeks after the first treatment.  I decided to shave my head instead of waiting to see how much would fall out. Have a shaved head made my head tender and it took a couple of weeks to toughen up. After the 2nd treatment the short nubs began to fall out and it was a little itchy.  I'm still getting used to being bald and I'm hoping my eyelashes and eye brows stay in place, we'll see.  Also after the first treatment I became extremely emotional and seemed like I was crying ALL the time, not fun.  The nurse called in Ativan which really helped but, has a side effect of nausea, so I take it when absolutely necessary.  They have also put me on Compazine for nausea when I need it.  Another thing I have noticed is my thought process is a little slower right now and many refer to it as "chemo brain".  I'm sure it will improve once I'm finished.  My 2nd treatment didn't not keep me down as long as the 1st one did. I am getting about 2 weeks of decent days to function.  I still really struggle with fatigue and don't do very much at all.  I am thankful for an amazing husband who takes such wonderful care of me and puts up with a lot!!  I think it's more draining for him some days than it is for me.  Chemo is so much harder than I ever really knew, but it's doable.  I am hoping each treatment gets easier and easier.  I hope this is helpful to anyone that may just be curious or has cancer.  I will periodically continue to post as things  come up or change.  Enjoy the day, it's all we have!!

Just my thoughts...

Wow, so much has happened and I'm not sure where to start.  This morning I awoke at 5 a.m.  The steroids I am taking cause me to sleep less, but they fight with the chemo drugs that zap my energy.  So, I lie in bed with my mind stirring wondering what to do with myself.  Even the dogs know it is too early to be up.  I start thinking about a friend and say a prayer for her recovery.  I am thankful to God for another day to be here with my family.  I am thankful for Clay lying next to me, curled up under our super soft blanket, breathing and sleeping peacefully.  His presence next to me brings such comfort to me.  I am glad that he is able to rest and not worry about what the day will hold for us.  I finally make it to the living room around 6 a.m.  All is still peaceful in the house.  Each day is totally unpredictable on how I will feel and how the medicine will work on my body.  Each day is taken moment by moment, every small step of doing something on my own is a victory for me, for our family.  I have relinquished complete control over myself to God and those around me.  NOT an easy task.  I am more comfortable with it now even though it can be difficult.  It is a privilege to know that God allowed cancer to come into our lives so that we could be pruned to be more like him.  That may sound crazy, but I truly believe it.  To say it has been easy would be a lie.  When I became very sick right before December, it was like a nightmare.  There were no answers, no plan and a lot of waiting.  I was in a lot of pain and Clay was beside himself unable to "fix" it.  In God's timing and Clay's persistent phone calls, our doctors started pushing things along and were able to put together a plan of action after seeing that the cancer had become aggressive.  We were finally going to begin chemo and we were ready or at least I thought I was.  Chemo is a mean, mean thing.  My first treatment took about 7 hours.  Each drug that is pumped into my port is carefully watched to see how my body will react to it.  I am given about 6 different meds through my IV plus at home I take about 6 pills in the morning and 6 pills at night.  Chemo isn't for sissies.  They should have told me this ahead of time, 'cause I'm a huge sissy, really I am.  I just put on like I'm not 'cause that's how I was raised.  Now I can't pretend anymore, the facade is up.  The first few days after my first round of chemo, I cried constantly.  Partly due to the steroids and partly because of the new situation I now was in.  I was no longer strong, dependent and in control.  I now needed help just to get dressed.  I cried out to God and he heard me, gathered my tears and let me rest in him. Ps. 56:8
I think about how my situation can always be so much worse and there are so many who are going through more than I can imagine.  God is teaching me to be humble and less critical, he's rounding out some of my very sharp edges.   I serve a God that only has my best interests in mind and a much larger plan that is perfect and beautiful when it is all finished.   We each need to live our lives so that Jesus' sacrifice was not in vain!!  I hope today you find something to be thankful for and love a little deeper!  Look around you to those who may just need a smile!  Love on each other!  Love is all we have!