Loose Ends

I'm all tucked in my bed, listening to my playlist of contemporary christian music and thinking about what I would like to type of this thing. I'm sure by now you are all up to date on my health struggles and where we are right now. Since the day I heard the word cancer my mind has tossed around and wrestled with how my life can reflect God's beauty and strength and be completely glorified by the outcome. Which is kind of funny because the outcome is the same for all of us, death. We should all be thinking about this not just me. But I suppose we are all too busy to stop and drink this truth in. That is the beauty of being alive, we are living at least I hope we are. Thinking about death can be exhausting and a real downer unless, unless I keep my focus on the living part. Wise words, huh? During this journey I have shed many, many tears of sadness and anger. I was afraid of dying of being separated from my family, knowing the pain I would be leaving behind/causing. I was afraid that God would not take care of them the way I take care of them, just because I'm pretty damn good at it. It has been in this part of my journey with cancer that God has shown me that he would take care of all of the details, just like he always has. Even if I'm here or not, He would be here. I thought I had given my everything to Him, but in reality I hadn't. I was protecting my family from Him. He could take care of the "big" stuff but I took care of the little every day things, the things that matter most. I'm sure He's laughed at my logic and wanted to send me to my room. I'm finally at the place he's called me to be, I trust him with what is most precious to me. This may sound crazy or stupid to you and that's okay. So, I thought I might start writing about my thoughts as we take a new road, hopefully a road to recovery. Since the surgery last Friday I've been basically on bed rest, since I don't have energy for much more than that. My mind is busy thinking and hoping. Since I've come to trust God with my "everything" I think, "Now what?" What can I learn now. Even in the depths of the unknown, I have to push aside my thoughts and focus on God and even in my limited mobility, continue to know and believe that my life still matters and how can I use this to love on others. Doing the little things is what life is about. Each day is new and offers challenges but also offers opportunities even for me. Praying for those in need, loving on my kids and Clay and just seeing beauty from my window is a blessing to me. I'm tired and ready to sleep now. Think about what you can do, don't be too busy to love on others, don't do it!! Goodnight!!

Health Update

Here is the recent update for my health. This is what we sent out to our church family.


Update from Clay and Cindy Cruse:
Our family is asking for prayers. As many of you know in 2004 Cindy was diagnosed with stage 4, Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (a slow growing type of cancer). This cancer is not curable but treatable, which means if it grows treatment will help but not take it completely away. Recently Cindy had tests done for some problems with swelling in her leg. The results have come back and show a tumor above the knee that may involve the bone. There are also ingual nodes (lymph nodes in the crease of her leg) that are enlarged and growing and incasing some vessels. A blood clot was also discovered and will be treated with daily shots of blood thinners. The oncologist has scheduled an appointment with a surgical oncologist for next week to discuss surgery as soon as possible. At this point the tumor maybe an aggressive transformation of the lymphoma or a sarcoma (which would be another type of cancer altogether). There is no way to know until both areas are removed and sent to pathology for results. Needless to say we are overwhelmed right now. Please, please take time and pray for us. God has a plan that is so much larger than we can see or understand and we desperately need an extra measure of his peace right now. We love you all and thank you for your faithfulness to Him and to our family!