Tonight I noticed my desk calendar is still on November 18th, the date that I last changed it. It must have been right before I started to get really sick and found out the cancer was growing and with a vengeance. It's hard to believe that it's been that long since my life was "normal".
That's really not what is on my mind tonight. I've been thinking about friendships and how lonely life can be. I spend time reading other blogs, devotions written by women and stalking Facebook only to find myself longing for "real life" friendships. Over the years I've had a few women I considered my bffs but, things happened and those women are gone along with a small piece of my heart. Now, I'm guarded with my heart and my feelings. I see so many women who appear to have tight relationships with other women and I long for that. I long for friends that I can call up to go shopping or just bum around with. I have a lot of women I know but none that I'm close to. I think that if they knew the deepest parts of me it would be too much, somehow I wouldn't be enough. I know I'm not alone in this and that's why I'm writing about it. There are many of us out there who long for close relationships with other women. The older I get the harder it seems to be. So, I'm gonna do what I tell everyone to do and pray that God will bring me a bff (besides Clay). He knows my heart and knows exactly what I need. If you are feeling lonely too leave me a comment and I will pray for you too. We aren't alone we just have to find one another.
Today I find myself getting things ready around the house for tomorrow is my forth chemo treatment. I'm finishing up the laundry, sweeping the floors, making sure we have the groceries we may need, paying any bills that need to go out doing the things I would normally do next week. I am preparing for the "sickness" that comes after a treatment. It is strange to schedule my life around sickness. As I sit to take a break, I think about preparing to meet God and how much time do I put into preparing for that event. What does that even really mean? One day we will all meet Him and will we be ready? Have I been honest about my heart, about my hidden sin? Have I offered forgiveness and mercy as He does? Do I spend enough time or any time at all preparing for Him? Have I taught my sons enough about Him so that they will live Godly lives? What does He see when He looks my way? I have no answers only more questions. There are days that He calls me to His word but many times I push it aside to do something else thinking I will later, but later never comes. What am I missing when I ignore Him? Scary, huh? I need to search my heart and see what He sees or do I really? Am I ready to give it all to Him, again? It's not a one time thing but a daily one. Those I thought I had forgiven have need of more forgiveness, again. See a pattern here? Crap! (I know that's not a very nice word.) Okay, well I have some things I need to wrestle with God about and I'm sure He will pin me down, not fun. Now I see why sometimes I push Him aside, because being pinned down is difficult and it means I have to change something in my life. Change is hard! Here's to giving up control, once again.
