Hope

There is something mysterious about hope that brings rest to my soul. I made it through the cat scans and the oncologist appointment. The doctor said everything looks stable and there's been no growth since the last 6 months. I do have lumps that will wax and wain on my face, but that is normal for lymphoma. Anyway, now that I am finished with the doctors appointment and test, at least for another 6 months, I can now rest. The week before I am so restless and uneasy that I'm completely miserable and I know I make those around me miserable too. It is the anticipation of having no hope of a future. Hope is everything and without it there is nothing, only death and despair. I am thrilled to say that as soon as the week was over, hope returned to my soul and I felt rested and at ease again. I am still very busy, but deep down I feel a peace, a hope that will carry me through until the next set of appointments. I want to learn to live in this state even when the chaos of the cancer is more than I can understand or manage. That is the challenge. To live in the hope of something greater beyond this world, my plans and my understanding or even my own feelings. To look past my simple view of the here and now and know that my life is so much more and to allow God to be so much more that what I can see or feel. The hope in things eternal is not the same as the hope of living our lives day to day. There is a hope that cannot be measured or even imagined. It is difficult to hope in something foreign to me, it seems like a fairy tale to hope in something unknown, I mean completely unknown. For today, I'm peaceful and full. My soul is light.

Intertwined

A couple of months ago, actress, Natasha Richardson, died. She has been one of my favorite actresses for many years. Even though I didn't know her personally, I was deeply sorrowful for her death. As the weeks have passed I would think about her and how bazaar it was for me to grieve for someone I really didn't know. I began to think about, I know this is strange, but when Elvis died and all of those images of grieving fans. Even when Elvis was alive the fans were completely, over-the-top, out of their minds when he would come on stage. It occurred to me how we are so intertwined and connected to each other, even those we will never meet face to face. We are all longing for this connection, even with those we don't personally know. As I would watch Natasha in movies, especially The Parent Trap, there was something about her that drew me in, something I connected with on a deeper level that I longed for. It is difficult to describe or understand, but I think that we all long for this. I LOVE, LOVE movies. I am always searching for the connection that will touch my heart and allow me to feel deeply. Strangely enough, I can even find this in certain cartoon movies. Longing to find others who feel as deeply as we do, or should I say longing to find other who will feel with me. In less than a week, I have to have a cat scan and then see my oncologist. My cancer is slowly growing. The cat scan will tell how much it has grown since last time (6 months ago). My heart is heavy. This morning as tears flow down my cheeks, I'm curious about why I'm so afraid, afraid to die and Natasha came to mind. I'm not so afraid of leaving, it is the pain of knowing my connection will be severed with my husband and boys. Our lives are so intertwined with one another that disconnecting will not be easy, neat and clean. It will be messy, painful and difficult. There is no way to prepare for this and no way to really know when it will happen maybe not for years, but it scares the hell out of me. This morning I can't stop crying. Being intertwined and connected, feeling heard, pursued and loved seems to have a price just as high as not having my longings met. Is the price worth this heart ache, Yes. I'm not sure what my point is, I just needed to get this out. I think my heart ache is more for my family and what they may be left with. Love is a strange thing! There is a cost to invest in others and allowing others to touch my heart, even those I will never meet. Life is complicated and messy and so worth living. I love my life! Thanks for letting me ramble!