Snow

The snow is coming down, again! I love snow, but when it hinders my ability to leave my house I begin to resent it! There is just something about snow that is beautiful and pure, covering everything in it's path with "whiteness". Snow quiets everything as well, absorbing the sounds of life and nature. There is just something about snow that words can't quiet describe, something I long for in my own life, a purity and quietness in my soul, a calm that is inviting and comforting.

Lately I have been reading a lot more that I usually do. I am hungering for truth and convictions that will cause my heart to change. I feel this "something" stirring deep within me. I am not sure how to describe it. My heart aches to help others, but I need to be okay if I can't "fix" others. I want to listen to their heart and to respond from mine. I find that I am still so guarded and I am not sure what is holding me back. To really examine my journey and my "walls" is difficult and I find that I put others to the test, are they really worthy to see my heart. Do I trust this person, are they really interested in coming along with me on my journey?? All are tough questions, questions I am not sure I will ever stop asking, but I must try to quiet myself and just enjoy their company, even if they aren't able to travel very far with me.

It isn't about me

On my home today, I was alone in the van, and began praying out loud for whoever came to mind. Many of those that came to mind were kids in the youth group as well as my own boys and myself. The last 5 years have been such a roller coaster of emotion, turmoil, the unknown, anger, questions, more anger. As I am praying today for those kids who are going through similar emotions with different circumstances, the spirit spoke to me. I was praying for the kids to be able to love others and live a life that brings glory to God even in the midst of the turmoil in their live. I am seeing that this is what God is trying to teach me, to develop in my character, that during the dark, dark days of my life I have to stop thinking of myself and see the hurts and pains of others around me. I have become so wrapped up in my own pain that I couldn't see what was going on around me. It is so difficult to admit that my life isn't about me. I want my life to be about me and what I want and need. I like it that way. How selfish it is, I know. I could concentrate on others for a short amount of time when my life was all roses and candy, but as I started struggling, my focus was narrow and selfish. This is where God is changing me, slowly. I want to share my pain along the way, not after the crisis is over. I want to help others along the way even if I don't have much to give. Hopefully that is when I am so broken that Christ will totally shine through and there will be no doubt that it is Christ and not me. It has only taken some of the darkest days of my life thus far to finally see this. My life isn't about me, my life isn't about me. I hope to hear these words in my heart and head the next time I lose focus!

The mourning is over.

Christmas is almost here and with this holiday bring the usual balancing act of seeing all of my family while still keeping my sanity, or should I say, holding onto my identity. I am discovering that I become another person when I am around my parents and siblings. I resort back to becoming "child-like" around my dad, wanting desperately to win over his approval and affection, desiring that he could really "see" me for who I am, for who I have always been. Even with these longings nagging at my heart I push them away and hush the child deep inside. I really don't know how to relate to my dad in a way that feels safe, safe enough for the young girl to come out. I'm not sure what a father-daughter relationship looks like as adults. I would hope that he would see what I was feeling, even if I was putting up a brave front. I would hope that he would tell me how proud he is of the woman and mother I've become. I would hope that he would be one of the few people I would call first, after Clay, when I was in trouble or just needing some encouragement. Next to my husband, I would hope that he would be the "other" man in my life that would always be there for me no matter what. I have convinced myself that this will never be, shutting the door on the "hope" of what I deeply long for. Life without hope is no life at all, there must be more. As long as my dad is living, why should I stop hoping? Am I foolish, setting myself up for more pain and disappointment? Maybe?

God is working on me or should I say "in" me. He is opening a door in my heart, allowing a shimmer of light to shine through the crack into the darkness. I am not sure what is on the other side of the door and if I can trust God enough I may be able to allow the door to open. I want to learn how to "live" in the kingdom of God, to truly live. I have never understood how to really live in God's kingdom and what that looks like. I have been so protective of my longings, fearing that if I allowed others in they would suck the life right out of me. I have mourned and grieved for so many years that I have forgotten there may be life after death. The life may be different, but life, none the less. I believe I am ready to take off these mourning clothes of black and put on something bright white maybe pink.

This song is exactly what I feel right now. How I love the way God works in others to touch our lives!!

Community??

The past few days have been filled with a flurry of activities, tasks, and just daily living. As I settle down tonight and start to breathe a little slower, I am seeing how detached I have been. I am not content with myself, wanting more, just not knowing what that may be. I seem to find myself being most comfortable when I am alone. Being in community is what God intended but, being in community can really wear me down. I know I am rambling, I will post more later after I think on this. Plus, I will turn into a pumpkin soon if I don't get to sleep.

Eve of Thanksgiving!

All is quiet in the house, Clay is asleep on the couch, Matt is tucked in bed and Zach and Taylor are at the movies watching Bolt with Jessie. My cooking is finished for tomorrow, the dogs are sleeping at my feet and Flicka is playing on TV. The last couple of days I have felt a little somber, with each passing holiday, I know that my time with my boys will be gone. I will wake up one day and my house will be still and quiet and my children will have flown from my nest and built nests of their own. Each year puts me a little closer to this realization and is saddens me. I wish I could freeze time and we would always be together, loving, laughing, fighting and just being together. I hate change, even though it is inevitable. This holiday season I want to just be content in today, enjoy the time we are together and not put pressure on myself or others to fulfill some "perfect" holiday agenda I have. Tonight as I sit alone, I feel so loved and blessed. My house isn't perfectly cleaned, all of the laundry isn't finished, there are dirty dishes in the sink, but I am content and okay with the chaos. Maybe if I can live with the chaos in my house, I can learn to live with it in life in general. Just maybe!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Barry Manilow

Now don't roll your eyes, Barry Manilow is one of my all time favorites. I have been to see him in concert once and loved it. I'm sure Clay would have another opinion. There is something about music that touches the deepest part of my soul, I am touched like nothing else on this earth. I think music allows me to feel, I can feel whatever emotion is provoked from the melody and the lyrics and music doesn't judge me but encourages those feelings. There is something so freeing and transforming about music, so addicting. I could easily escape into another life by listening to song after song. Maybe I am the only one who feels this draw, this mysterious connection that seems so familiar. I am not sure how long I could live without music. As soon as I awake, I am drawn to turn on my mp3 player. There is a connection to the singer, the melody and to God in each song I hear. I hear the longings and feelings of the one singing, I connect. I long to stay connected, no questions, no shame, no disapproving looks, just music...beautiful music.

Alone...

Today is crummy for me! I am having cat scans done today, checking to see how far my cancer has progressed. I won't find out my results until next week when I see my oncologist. For the past couple of weeks, I have been hard to live with. I am easily angered and bothered by the smallest things. I feel as though my life is totally out of control, and I like to be in control. On top of all of this, I am really feeling alone. This journey is not one I want to take alone, but I find that my family is on their own journey. I want so much for someone to share my fear, pain and sorrow and at times my anger. I feel myself shutting down my emotions just so I will survive. I am at a loss for words, just pray for me!