Conflicted

Feeling conflicted. This week I filled in for Terry, our secretary/worship leader, at church. I checked off the list of things he had left for me to do, answered the door and the phone. I caught up on some other things that I had been putting off too. I emptied the change out of the vending machine and refilled it. The coins had really accumulated and it took quite some time to roll all of the coin. As I sat there, rolling coins, the phone rang and I answered. The young lady on the other end was calling to ask for assistance in paying a few utility bills. She told me her story and the circumstances that had led to this point. This isn't uncommon, to get calls from the community in search of help with this or that bill. Each person desperate for help, any help. As I listened and then responded that our church was out of funds to help those in need and then had to tell her I was unable to do anything for her. During this conversation I continued to roll the quarters and dimes that were piled in front of me. How ironic that I had a pile of coin in front of me as I told her I was unable to help her. At that moment the scene of Ebenezer Scrooge counting his money entered my mind. Here I was counting money, that wasn't mine, from a vending machine that sells junk food and telling a woman in need that there was nothing I could do. How sad! Is this what our lives have become, not helping those in need just so I can budget my money to purchase things that I don't need? I don't even know what to do with this, with these feelings of guilt. I want my heart to be burdened for those in need but, I also need wisdom and knowledge of how touch others with God's love. God is working on me, opening my eyes to where I need to change. I don't know exactly what that is yet, but I'm open to it. Having so much, not going without is a huge responsibility and I'm thinking that I may not be that much different from the rich young ruler after all.

My Heart is Full!

My heart is full!  I know that may sound strange but, that is what is on my mind.  The summer has been filled with times when I thought my heart would literally break in two and there have been those few weeks before seeing my oncologist when my spirit was so uneasy, so uncertain.  But now as I sit in my living room, watching my youngest play the Wii and my oldest sitting with the glow of his laptop on his face, my heart is full.  I have a peace, you know that peace that is talked about in the bible, the peace that passes all understanding, I have "that" peace.  There is no other way to describe it, it is totally from God.  In reality there are many things going on in our lives that should make me a little crazy right now but, I'm not.  My heart is full and God is in total control of it all.  It feels so good to get out of the driver's seat and to be a passenger!!  The top is down, the wind is blowing in my hair and I'm enjoying the ride.  I don't even have my seatbelt on because I know that God will keep me safe.  I never thought I could feel this free, this content.  My hope is that I can continue to be a passenger and not grab the wheel, not jump at a sudden stop or bump in the road.  Today, my heart is full.

Summer Challenge

Last week we returned home from CIY camp with the 12 high schoolers.  Clay and I are so blessed to be able to go to camp and participate with the kids.  It is amazing how God will rejuvenate my soul when I need it the most.  Being away from home with no real distractions in the beautiful mountains of Tennessee was exactly where I needed to be.  The praise and worship was AMAZING!!!  Did I say that it was AMAZING!  I love worshiping from my heart and sharing that experience with others, there's just something special that happens that I can't explain in words.

While at camp my heart has been convicted to change my tone and the words I use with my family.  I had to ask for their forgiveness and asked for a change in our home.  No more sarcasm or discouraging words or tones in our voices.  No talking about others that will tear down.  We have made it for 1 week and it has been incredible.  My heart has been so heavy over the way I so easily use sarcastic remarks to make a point and how it has grieved God.  As I am becoming more aware of this in my own life, I've noticed how everyone does this.  Why are we afraid to just share how we are really feeling instead of deflecting to a witty, sarcastic remark.  Why do we have to all weigh-in on the choices or the actions of others.  How about we build one another up and not tear each down, and then say we are joking!  It's not funny!  Be real and honest!  I just want to be more like Christ.  Okay, I'll get off my soap box now.  So, this is what I'm working on spiritually for the summer: my thoughts, my words and my facial expressions  that may say more than I want.  Change has to come from my heart!

So, what are you working on spiritually for the summer??

Broken

I'm at a youth camp this week with 12 high school kids. My heart did not want to make this trip. I wanted to be at home, feeling safe with Clay and the boys. Since Clay's heart attack our lives have been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, normal errands, keeping up with the house work and the yard work, doing the children's ministry work plus getting ready for a youth camp plus all of the calls and visits from friends and family. I am just a little overwhelmed right now and I am gearing up emotionally for my 3 month cat scans. My heart did not want to come to camp. I really just wanted to shut myself and my family into our house and never leave again!

Tonight during the worship, God was tender with me, with my heart. He is helping me to pry my fingers away from the one thing that I don't want to give up... Clay. I know that if God chooses to take Clay home sooner than later that I will be able to finish raising our sons and take care of our home and we would be okay, it may take a while but we would be okay. Tonight God helped me to begin to understand all that I am feeling and he allowed the tears to gently fall. He gave me a soft place to rest and to see why I seem to grasp so tightly to my relationship with Clay. There are many people in my life that I know love me, my parents, my boys and friends but, no one has ever loved me the way Clay has. Clay has loved me the way God loves me. Clay loves me more than I love myself at times. He knows everything there is to know about me good and bad. He allows me to share my heart and never shames me for what I feel, or for who I am. God has used Clay to show me HIS love. There is no love greater that I have experienced in such a tangible way on this earth. Clay has loved me well and I am a better person because of it. This is what I can't imagine living without. I am at a cross road where I will have to choose by faith to keep following God, to continue to believe in His love regardless of if I feel it or not. My heart is aching tonight, not knowing how to move forward, not knowing, not knowing. I am broken and need Him!

A New Normal

The weekend had been filled with the youth group car wash, Sunday morning class and then Sunday evening youth worship.  A normal weekend for us busy, but good.  During lunch on Sunday we spoke of how the morning was a whirlwind of serving and loving on others and how good it felt to be doing what God had placed before us.  There was now enough time to head home and maybe rest for an hour or so before returning to wrap up with our monthly youth worship service.  Clay was busy preparing "stations" for the kids during worship.  Everything about the whole weekend was normal for us, normal for our family.

The youth service was just ending when Clay emerged from the gym, after a game of dodgeball, and took a seat next to me.  He was tired and was complaining of jaw pain, almost like a headache in his jaw.    I didn't really think anything of it and began to clean up our mess.  A few minutes later he quietly asked me to take him to the hospital and do it now.  I grabbed my purse and out the door we went.  On the way he said that he just didn't feel "right" and his chest was beginning to hurt.  I picked up my phone to call the kids at church and ask them to begin praying for him but, he stopped me.  He didn't want to worry the kids.  All three of our sons were still cleaning up and didn't really know what was happening.  I called Zach and tried not to scare him but, just to let him know that I would call when I knew more and not to worry, just pray.

We arrived at the hospital in a matter of minutes.  Clay's pain was progressing but he didn't say a word.  They took him immediately in and hooked him up to the heart monitors.  Just as I had set down the doctor entered and said he was having a heart attack.  As the words came out of her mouth the breath left my body.  I couldn't breath!  Immediately I left the room and the hospital.  My body was in total shock and I began to hyperventilate trying to catch my breath as the sobs overcame by whole being.  I remember thinking what do I do or who do I call.  I began talking aloud to God to help me, give me wisdom.  This couldn't be happening to us, to Clay!  I was able to make a few calls and my Mom was able to calm me through the phone line.  She later met me at Community South, where he was taken by ambulance soon after arriving at Johnson County Hospital.  I went back into his room as they were moving him to a bed for the ambulance.  He was strapped in, hooked to wires, not saying a word.  His color was getting worse and he was clammy to the touch.   I leaned down and kissed him, touched his  head and said, "I love you."  I quickly went to my van and headed to the hospital he was being taken to. A cardiac team was there awaiting to take him to the cath lab.  The 20 minute drive seemed liked a lifetime away.  I wasn't sure if I would see him alive again.  My heart was breaking, but as I spoke with God on that drive I knew that He knew what was best for me and my family.  That if God chose to take Clay home that I would be okay, over time, I would be okay.  I didn't bargain with God, I didn't get angry with Him, because we live in a fallen world.  I know we won't live forever on this earth.  A thought kept coming to my mind that Jesus was the same now as he was that very morning.  He hadn't changed, he would not leave me, he loved me and he ached as I ached.  God knew that morning what would happen that evening, nothing happens to us that doesn't pass through God's hands first.  I asked God if it pleased him to allow Clay to stay with me longer and not to take him yet.  I also knew that it was for selfish reasons I was asking this.  As much as I want my will, I trust God's plans for our family.  More than anything in this world I want God to be glorified through our lives, good and bad.  God gave me a peace that night even though I fought against the worry and sadness.  Even writing this my heart aches thinking about living without Clay.  If and when that happens I know that God will get me through it just as he is now.  I'm sharing this because I want those that read it to know that God loves all of us.  He loves us through the difficult times as well as the good.  I am humbled to look back to last Sunday and I can see how God orchestrated everything.  We were minutes from the hospital, when normally we are 20 minutes away.  He allowed me to be alone and the boys to drive separate.  He gave the boys a friend's home, 5 minutes from the hospital.  He increased my faith that evening!  He loved on me through my family and friends.  There are numerous other things that God has done through this specifically that I am grateful.  There's not one person on this planet, child of God or not that is exempt from heart ache and difficult times.  We must stick together, share our hearts and hurts and love one another through those times.

Clay is now home, with a stint and 5 heart medications.  Our lives are again adjusting to a new normal.
Thank you for praying for our family and loving us!

Praising God

I was listening to the radio and a caller called in to give a praise to God for his wife who had cancer and was now cancer free. It brought a smile to my face and I was so happy for this couple knowing how incredible the news was for them. This particular radio station was playing many caller segments of various praises on how God had said yes to their prayers. I love that about God! I love that when things seem as though there is no hope whatsoever and suddenly a miracle appears. To hear the voices of gratitude and sincerity in those who were so desperate is something that always touches my heart!

There is another side to God that I feel doesn't get enough praise that I'm very aware of in my own life. So today I want to praise God for the things that are harder to understand.

I praise God that he knew I would be a better person if I grew up in a broken home with an absentee dad.

I praise God for growing me spiritually by allowing me to be diagnosed with cancer that is said to be incurable.

I praise God for the pain that I have gone through and survived and now I can be more compassionate of others.

I praise God for all of the medical bills and forcing me to completely rely on him to see us through it.

I praise God that he loves me enough to continue to sift and mold me to be more like him.

I praise God that I matter and that I am loved!

I praise God for loving me even when I didn't want to praise him!

These are the things I would say if I called into the radio station to share my praises. This is the side of God that I want us all to remember. He is great no matter what!

I'm still here

I just wanted to check in and say that I'm still alive. The past month I have been dealing with a knee problem and am currently recovering from knee surgery. So, I haven't felt much like typing or doing anything but, taking pain meds and sleeping or watching TV. Hopefully I will be back to my normal schedule and life very soon. Right now I have a lot of catch-up to do at home.

Enjoy the beautiful spring weather!