Unsure Why?

All afternoon I have been in a stupor. I am really blessed to work with some amazing people in ministry, and we had a great time talking about things that are hard to wrap my mind around. Talking about what end times may or may not look like and just throwing out our random thoughts about God and heaven. It left me thinking and wondering. The topic of death, and the fear of dying, came up in conversation and why many of us, me included fear dying. Somehow I thought I was past this, with the assurance of heaven, why am I so afraid? Five years ago, I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, an incurable cancer. I am confident of God's healing power, and pray that it is God's will for my life, but I also understand that his plans are so much better than what I can imagine. He may have other plans, plans I wouldn't understand, even if he sent an email to me with a day by day itinerary I would still question Him. There are things good and bad that don't only affect me, but also people around me and people I may not even know. Well anyway, I realized I am afraid to die. I don't want to leave my family, and I think even more, I am unsure of what I will experience in the coming, live forever with God, life. The small amount of God I experience in my day to day to day life is not enough to go to. How crazy is that! How little my faith must really be to feel this way. I don't want to stop searching, craving and needing God and teaching my boys about Him and His great love for them. I am just unsure, I really don't even know of what exactly. I think I am still unsure of how much he really loves me. I know Jesus loves me and crazy as it may sound, God must love me differently than Jesus. I think I have totally separated them in order to cope with my pain. Now I do know what scripture says, they are one in the same...I know, I know. It has been easier to be angry with God and not Jesus for the pain I have felt. I know I am rambling and totally random, but I just wanted to get this out. Maybe I can read it over a few times and there will be some clarity.

New School Year

Well, we started school this week. I am still in shock that this will be Zach's last year doing school at home. It is so hard to believe that he will be graduating! Where did the time go. He is planning to live at home and attend Herron School of Art at IUPUI next fall. He is so creative and smart. He is just amazing and I am so proud of him, can you tell? I am glad he isn't leaving, but you never know what God will lead him to do. Right now, God is leading him in some new areas. Zach is a little unsure of the direction he is going, but it is all about the journey. I am so blessed to have been chosen to the mother of three, beautiful boys, or should I say young men. I pray that our year will be productive as well as character building. God must fill in, because on my own, there is no way I could do this. Learning with the boys has definitely been amazing and crazy all wrapped in one. I am lucky to be at home with them. My husband, Clay, works so hard and takes such good care of us. I just love my family!! Thank you God for giving so much more than I deserve!

Surprises

I was thinking this morning about how much I love and adore my husband and how lucky I am! It reminded me that I need to do something special for him, wondering how many of us forget to do those special, little things for our husbands. I think the last time I did something was a few months ago, I recorded a single song on a cd, left it in his truck with a card. The song was how I feel about him. Just doing the small little things, for our husbands it what keeps the romance going, even after 20 years. I'm not sure what I will do yet, but I wanted to encourage others to take time and do something for your guy! I know mine works very hard for us, so I can stay home and take care of our home and our sons. I love making him feel special especially when he isn't expecting it! Let me know if you have any ideas, or what you have done in the past to keep the spark alive!

Things I will Miss...

As I was making my bed, I could hear my boys talking, just chatting away and listening to music on their computer. I thought, there will come a day when there will be silence as I make my bed and pick up around the house. It warms my heart just hearing them talking and laughing, choosing random, strange songs to listen to. I will miss these small things, but I guess they aren't really so small. I will miss the extra laundry, the extra frozen foods I buy, I will miss reminding them to brush their teeth and to pick up their rooms. One day all of this will be no more, and hopefully God will fill the silence with new and wonderful things. It is hard to write about these things, but it is reality for all of us with children. I hope that I will continue to cherish this short time I am with these beautiful boys and not take it for granted!! God is good to me!

No more idols!

What a beautiful day we are having!! I love this time of year!! I met some friends at the movies to see Mama Mia, very cute. I love feel good movies!! These were some of the same ladies that joined me in doing the summer bible study, No Other Gods by Kelly Minter! It has been a turning point for me, putting away my idols and making room for God which means; I am trusting Him to help me develop some deeper friendships and to make new ones. I have put such a wall up around me, my entire life, just to protect myself and it has also served as my own prison. I have lived in such fear of really letting others close to me, fear of what they would really think if they "really" knew me. I am stripping down my wall and taking chances! God is giving me such a peace in this area, even though I have only started on this new journey. I am trusting God more completely, by allowing other women into my heart, is allowing God to work through these women in my heart, if that makes sense. It may take some time, but I know it will be well worth it!

I am also reading a new book, one that was recommended on another blog I read, called Sabbath Keeping by Lynne Baab. It is wonderful! Very short but so much there! At the end of each chapter are a couple of questions for the reader to really think about and pray about. I love the whole idea of having a "sabbath" or a day of stopping my normal routine to totally be free, free to play, laugh, enjoy my family, freedom from all that occupies my time just taking care of life. I hope to start this very soon, or at least just to fine tune our "sabbath" time we currently have and to be more deliberate in what we are doing and having a better awarness of why! I will keep you posted as to what we do and how it is bring glory to God! Enjoy the rest of the day!!

The Shack

I just finished reading The Shack by William P. Young. I loved this book. It was one that I just couldn't put down and once I finished I was a little sad that I'm not still reading it.

Today I washed my westies and then attempted and somewhat succeeded at giving one a hair cut. She looks much better, but it was such a job. I hate to shell out $70.00 to have them both cut. They both smell so much nicer. Other than that it was a pretty eventless day, which I did enjoy!!

New Start

I know it's been awhile since I posted and I'm not sure why. Each day I read a few other's blogs and really enjoy hearing what other mom's are up to. So, I think I will attempt to blog more frequently with just daily random stuff.

I just wrapped up a bible study over the summer, actually I was leading it in my home with 6 other women. It is called No Other Gods by Kelly Minter. What a great study, simple yet very deep. I highly recommend it. I really enjoyed getting to know these women a little better and deeper. It seems that so many of us, me included, are just so on our guard with other women. Being hurt in the past by my "friends" puts me on the defense. I so long for those deep, deep friendships, where I can be myself without being judeged. Those are so hard to find, yet so many of us are in the same boat. Feeling isolated and alone. So, I am going to trust God and pursue these types of relationships and take a chance. There are no guarantees but I do know God will guide me and has already given me a peace about this whole issue. So, I'm diving in.

Today, I am working on homeschool curriculum and our schedule. Big fun! I still have a few books to buy. I shipped our DVD/Recorder back to Phillips to be replaced and hoping it will come this week. I use BJU HomeSat and record classes for my 3 sons. There is still a lot to do before we begin, but I'm not worried or crazy over it. I will just do what I can do and that will be enough. I hope everyone else has a great week, starting back to school!

Enjoy the day!